Perhaps you were invited too..? An invitation was indelibly printed upon a gathering of hearts before time was time. As this heart yearns to soar, I wonder who will join me?  Thoughts of love invite us to dare concepts of the physical, and fly unbound together into the realms of a Greater Self. 

By necessity, all great journeys of the human spirit - yours and mine - are intensely personal. This story is no exception. Yet somewhere along every path, all human ambition loses itself in the soul's yearning for relationship with a greater Self.  And it is there within (the last place my 'adult' self expected to find it). There within, according to the power of grace, each may be touched by that which transcends all limitation - a living, loving, light-filled 'experience' that is truly Universal.

Here I have given my heart and my truth. Now I must ask of you your presence. There is no condition for you to read on, other than your own willingness. There will be no satisfaction in my words for mere intellectual curiosity. In your reading do not force yourself to accept anything that does not feel right to you. In all our searching, learning, remembering, let there be no higher authority beyond the wisdom of personal experience and each good hearts' knowing.

For ten years I felt no inclination even attempting to express this 'experience' in written form, not least because its very nature is ineffable. But I met so few who had the same experience, or even remotely understood, I felt a greater necessity to reach out in hope to the few who might understand - and preserve some of my connection to 'it' in the world.

For a long time even attempting to express it in written form only seemed to limit the experience, and take me further from it. There was also enormous doubt and resistance within my quiet human nature to sharing something so personal, so openly.

I also had to consider a very wise train of thought within established spiritual traditions:

Those that know do not speak. Those that speak do not know.

Whereby it is often said that it is not well to talk about one's individual spiritual experiences, lest anyone fall into the trap of glorifying one individual (or individual experience) over another, rather than the transcendent spirit constantly within (and about) us all. It is my sincere wish that this telling manages to avoid that trap as much as possible. And it should be said that precisely because I haven't (had) the luxury of being part of any established spiritual tradition, that I feel great need to reach and encourage other rare individuals courageously trying to find meaning and purpose chiefly within their own thoughts and experiences.

Secondly I wish to challenge the common distorted perception that this experience is some kind of 'special attainment' - whereby an individual who 'has it' is, or becomes, in some way 'superior' to others.  Any genuine enlightenment puts to rest such fallacies completely, at least in the mind of the individual experiencer.

One sees the equality of all things in eternity.

There is no difference in the potential of each individual. The only difference is the extent that each individual has realised it within themselves. And all will realise it  in their own way - in their own time. 

So where then did the will to write come from? Primarily I wish to reach others who have had the same experience - so they know they are not alone in having this experience - something that has been a struggle for me since.

If there is a message of hope for any others reading this, my heart is indeed gladdened. For while love requires no justification, it does seek opportunities to give of itself. Some things - spiritual blessings - must be given to be kept at all. Some things can be given wholly without loss. I would but remind others of their worth in eternity, such as I can in this limited capacity. While I have often spoken about love, I have met few adults who seem willing to believe in it. It is my hope this written effort will find fresh eyes.

And so this ongoing story is presented in a series of chronological chapters, each representing important points of awareness in my life. Every few months I update it with more detail and, I hope, clarity. The story is already quite long and readers are welcome, indeed encouraged to jump straight to any 'chapter' calling them. I expect the 'peak experience' to be of central importance and there I have concentrated and refined the most detail. Other events 'before and after' the experience are significant to me in how they relate to the peak experience. The details are important only in how well they help place the later 'peak experience' in a human - and therefore accessible context. Readers may (or may not) relate to particular episodes.

Incidentally the 'peak experience' happened in 1992. I was 24 at the time.

Appropriate links are provided below.

As a child - an introduction - Adulthood - a human love - Loss and the search for meaning - The choice for love - The Peak Experience
And on another webpage - an Epilogue and some related recommended reading

Introduction

Was it so long ago that we all were awake to love's unending sweetness?

It flowed freely once. Unbound by form, it sung and swayed everywhere; in the light, on the breeze, amongst the trees, and through the unfettered heart of the child. Until, out of pure boundless awareness - concepts, time, and self gradually took form.

Loving was never something incidental to this child. In the crystal deep of childhood knowing, my soul knew love as the interweaving thread of time and space;  the eternal quality of being. Becoming ever more 'self-aware' (according to the standards of the world. ie. body conscious), exploring love's nature in human form became my soul concern..

* * *

It was an Angel who first taught me how to love. She came, as angels very often do, in the form of a girl. In a single fated day, at seven years of age, my life was changed forever.

On stage the all-too-familiar story of Seven Dwarves had long since failed in capturing my attention. Until that is, one girl stood forward to play Snow White.  In that moment my breath stopped.  I was drawn immediately upright in my seat. Everything I had imagined myself to be was stilled by a greater loving presence. My heart overflowed with pure joy. The girl's part in the story was to play the beautiful one, but her beauty in truth went far beyond any mere role she could play. Beauty was her intrinsic nature. And her gift, her real immeasurable gift was to stand up before others to remind them to be themselves as they were also created.

My heart shone as testament to the splendor - of her, in her, deep within me. A love so consistent, so sure, so true. She awoke my deeper being in a blaze of vibrant joy. Here was a depth of love I had never known.

A quick glance aside revealed my fellows saw neither the great light on stage, nor the obvious transformation within me. There was something extraordinary about this bond. I was astounded that no pair of human eyes (including my own) - could actually see the connection. Between our hearts there was a radiant fabric of love that was very real - more vibrant and alive than anything in the world I had ever known.

And beyond the reality of the present, I could see in our relationship the realization of even higher love. There was something about this love within that gave it a quality transcendent.. divine. It went far, far beyond the physical. It went far beyond the familiar gentle loving presence of wind, trees, family; Self.

As I surrendered to the sweetness of this extraordinary dimension, I became aware that this holy dimension of love could only forgive. This radiant love forgave all, without reservation. The love just could not, would not recognise 'wrong' in her. I looked to the stage, transfixed simultaneously by the beauty in her and the love within me, reaching out in heart and mind:

"All I can do is love you for everything. All I can do is bear witness to your radiance. There is nothing.. nothing I can add to you. All I can do is hold the vision of your purity and your innocence. All I can do is share that with you. I bless you now and forever. May you know your own perfection as I know you."

There was a great urgency in my heart to simply be with her, honour her, reflect her beauty back to her, know her many dimensions, and offer her the chance to release any doubt about her worth (should she even have any). I longed for the chance to explore a relationship of such love.

"Does she even know what a holy gift her human presence is?" I wondered. "Does she already know every dimension of her being is worthy of love? Does she hear enough in her life how beautiful she is?"

"Quite likely, as an Angel, she already knows these things.", I thought. "But what if, in some inconceivable fall from grace, she had somehow forgotten her own perfection? What a terrible, tragic waste if I missed this perfect chance to remind her!"

She had been visiting from another all-girl school, and beyond all the prayers from my heart I did not know how to approach her that day. I had to trust in the unseen power of my pure intent. I could only let her go with the blessing that somehow she would know of her own beauty; the great gifts she had given me.

The rest of the afternoon I was spellbound by this growing miracle of love in human being. To surrender, know and practice more of this transcendent presence in the human realm was clearly my most important mission. All the rest of the day I could not be distracted from the contemplation of this profound new dimension of love. Wave after wave of the most beautiful heavenly visions swept away every human care and concern.

"Blessed be this magical day! This day I have become more real and more alive than ever before. I see how to bring the very sweetness of eternity into humanness. What an incredible gift this angel-girl has given me! Thanks to this one, I have awakened to the never-ending mystery and beauty of love in human form. May this love live forever in the world, within me, and in independent girl-form."

Until that day I had been asleep to the beauty of the feminine; asleep to girl's gentle creative presence; asleep to my own soul's depths. Not any longer.

"Above all", I thought, "I will not - cannot - ever forget this new reality of being."

For hours I lay awake that evening, unwilling to fall asleep to any of the potential that had been awakened within me. It was very, very late before I could allow myself to lapse into the oblivion of sleep.

* * *

The very next day, in the quietness born of the whole heart's certainty, my human purpose became clear. It would be to grow in loving relationships with girls.

As further months went by, it only became more apparent I could learn more of value from them than anything else. All the greatest mystery and beauty of human life would be found in my relationship to them. In the feminine form I saw each soul’s brilliance ever clothed by the softest skin.

How easy it was to see the beautiful light shining within them, when concepts of Self were cast only as crystal possibilities.

Within all - the one. Within one - the all.

The potential of human relationship had suddenly become so obvious to me; I could not imagine that everyone else also saw it. If a girl was open to the possibility of the great dimensions of her own beauty, I found great joy in acknowledging and reflecting as much as I humanly could. My eyes shone in awe at the many brilliant and varied costumes, but the real beauty lay deeper within them, in each ones’ uniqueness and courage to be herself.

School lessons were just so much window dressing; tools to help me explore the outer world. But mostly I saw them as an ideal excuse to be around such wonderful beings. Simply to be in their presence, to bless them with my thoughts, I felt myself experiencing a gift more beautiful than any I could imagine.

Born into a family of boys, I saw about me ample opportunity to practice the masculine qualities of reason, will, courage and action. Community life also fostered these qualities to such an extent in boys that I knew their development would be almost effortless. These qualities were obviously important, but so far from being complete in themselves. To fully understand the human experience I needed to know every human quality; that of both the masculine and feminine.  As a child I carried a very strong ambition to know the complete essence of what it meant to be human. I knew that mission was possible - inevitable - in a single lifetime if I was sincere and didn't allow oneself to become too distracted from my purpose.

In girls I could look upon a host of ethereal qualities; gentleness, intuition, sensitivity, presence, beauty and love. Not only could I practice these vital qualities by being around girls. But here these qualities were manifested before me in unique forms, independent and free of will. Their free will added infinitely to their worth, because it made them breathtaking creators in their own right,  and I saw it allowed the creativity in our relationship to be truly unlimited. In girls I saw colleagues who inspired me constantly: each unique in form and inner design, will, and reflection upon their own experiences. More than anything on this Earth, these wonderful creatures were divinity made manifest in my eyes.

To me it was an opportunity unrivaled in human experience. Each person could explore love, joy and greater wholeness in human relationship with the opposite sex. I could not stop thinking about the possibilities. Not only could I learn the essential feminine qualities from being with girls. But in my confident boyish example they could observe and mirror whatever masculine qualities they desired to realise their own wholeness. In particular I tried to remind girls of the importance of thinking for themselves, believing in their intrinsic beauty, and speaking and acting in faith of their worth. I also tried to convey that their strength was equal that of boys, citing that much of 'strength' is simply focused will.

*  *  *

As a child I sought to share the joy I found in things, and especially the beauty I saw in people. Often I tried to share my vivid inner world with my mother. Normally she would listen in silence. Until one day she said:

“I don’t understand how you can feel so much.”

“Because if I didn’t feel, how could I know love?"

"And if I didn’t know love..”

There was a pause in my struggle to conceive such a reality.

“…I would be as good as dead.”

Only as I finished did I realise the implication of what I had said for her.

Quickly I added: “It’s not that you don’t have the same capacity to feel…”

"...or the same capacity to love", I finished softly.

But I felt I had already said too much. The child's natural instinct to hide nothing can sometimes lead others into their own doubts about themselves. I sensed many adults held onto pain from very distant pasts, something that seemed beyond my capacity to understand. As a child all I knew was the wonder of the present, and in that presence I felt held the certainty of love. It seemed only in that complete mutual presence that we could truly meet another soul. Many adults seemed to have forgotten this. As much as I wanted my family to explore together all that love might be, I knew that I would have to look outside it to truly understand all that love could be on earth. It was to my relationship with girls that I would look.

* * *

As children filled solely with hope and potential, many dream of exploring the great mysteries of human life.

"Countless millions of souls on earth", I reasoned. "Each, like me, without limits beyond those they accept in their minds. Between us our creative potential is unfathomable. Between us we must have mastered all limitation many times over."

I yearned to rise above every human fear and limitation; and ultimately to learn from those who had mastered even the great human enigma of death. But most of all I longed simply to understand love in human form. My heart whispered that everything I truly wanted to know could be found in the unseen grace of loving presence. But I could never know that truly in humanness without the continuous presence of the feminine. I saw that I would thrive only with the presence of girls in my life. So I decided I would honor them completely, beyond what society was teaching me of them, and what it taught of myself. Anything less would be to miss out on so much. Anything else would mean to fail my deeper being and cripple the potential within.

As time went by I could not comprehend why society did not encourage development of both sides of the inner being. Nor could I understand why it placed so much emphasis on the gender of our bodies. (We were ever so much more than the body) But worse than that (and unfathomably ignorant of the destructive consequences to me), were that many elements of society willfully and shamefully kept boys and girls apart. To forbid them being together, sharing with each other, communicating with natural respect, learning from and with each other, so much potential, so much love was denied; wasted. I never understood how anyone in a position of authority could make a decision based on such fear and ignorance of our own deepest and most beautiful nature.

*  *  *

Soon after these early milestones, I was to be exposed to some Christian religious doctrine. It began well. The talk of love was something I related to with tremendous enthusiasm and anticipation. However it wasn't long before there was introduced the notion of intrinsic human imperfection : guilt - and the idea of a conditional forgiveness. These cruel ideas grieved me. How could they not know that pure love cannot even conceive of guilt? Wasn't love the intrinsic quality of everyone’s being? Why did they leave the true Self out in the cold?

I questioned this out loud. My dear teacher listened with a tolerant smile, but underneath the facade it was clear she was not at ease.

"No. You are wrong Phillip."

"But I can demonstrate it in my love for you, for my family at home, and my friends in this room." (I hesitated to mention the most extraordinary love I already had for girls, as I knew this could be misunderstood coming from a boy.)

My religious teacher responded very sharply this time. She insisted that the love I spoke of within me was essentially different; invalid before the love of God. Immediately I closed my mouth. There was a cold, mournful emptiness in the classroom. The angels there understood the awful price that was being paid in our silence.

I was shaken to realise my teacher could not herself know love's essential nature. But how could she not? Love was everywhere, not least the joy - the very flow of life through the human heart! Nor did she understand in her mind that love was all-forgiving, unconditional, and a call to presence, not time at all. I was just a child, but even I knew that the higher dimensions of love ask nothing; nothing but the gift of shared presence.

I was deeply unsettled all the rest of that warm summer's afternoon. Intuitively I understood the necessity for the most sincere contemplation. And so it was that I turned my attention to my own thoughts within.

Twice I had been reprimanded for speaking of what I knew of love. Twice I had been scolded for trying to remind others of their innate innocence. I was deliberately censored for speaking what we as children know of love's liberating truth.

And as for my dearest, sweetest, most caring teacher.. How could the unity of truth, love and Self have been lost to her? I had sought to remind her, but she didn't even want to know!  How our relationship changed that day..

She, who had been my most respected teacher, had tried to impose upon me conceptually that love and truth were not one. Moreover she had condemned my pure intent to forgive. She had tried to invalidate the reality of beauty and innocence within us all, and all in the name of some remote 'higher power'.  I could not accept such divisive thoughts in my mind. I just could not acknowledge a higher power than the loving presence that spoke to me from within.

In one stroke I was estranged from all further religious teachings.

That day my loving self was shaken. My life had always been blessed and carefree, but on that day I saw real reason to believe I wasn't in paradise any longer. All the rest of the day I began to consider what sort of lifetime I was entering, and what might be done about it.

"What manner of place was I, where the teacher knew not of higher love, where she taught not the soul's purpose? What place where the teacher knew less of my purpose than I?"

I struggled to make sense of these questions.  It was my third year of school. So far I was sure we hadn't been taught anything especially important. I had imagined this must be the time for the real life lessons to begin. At seven years of age it was surely time to speak and study life’s central issues.

I had supposed the teachings would be uncompromising in their demands for us to know ourselves. Yet nothing at school had really challenged me to be more than I already was – nothing except for love itself. When were we to discuss this great purpose of human life? And why did not adults actually ask the children what we knew about life - about the beauty we saw everywhere, and in everyone?

It seemed in many ways, this strange 'school' was inadvertently adding a layer over what I already knew. But wasn't so much of this knowledge already there somewhere within us, if we dared to look deeply enough below the surface? Didn't some part of us already know the mathematics, hadn't we spoken most of these languages somewhere, sometime before? Was not great wisdom latent within every child, and did not every adult have the presence and perfect innocence of the child in them? I saw the roles of 'child' and 'adult' as a game, but for some reason this world seemed to take such roles very seriously.

A reassuring thought arose then from the quietness within. Somewhere there were teachers who understood all about what it truly meant to be human. There were those who had explored all the deeper mysteries of the human heart.  These teachers could not be blind to my pure intent. These masters must honor it in me as they honored it within themselves. These teachers would know of the real power of love.

But those teachers were not to be seen.

On that day my great faith in the wisdom and will of the adult world was broken. Before then I had assumed that the universal laws of love were so obvious and well understood in my new world, there was simply no call to speak of them. But I could no longer hide from one stark and terrible fact: most adults had deeply forgotten about love and the most joyful and important purpose of being human.

I had not lived enough of human life to understand just how one could forget something so important. But it was clearly time for a serious evaluation of my life - lest I somehow fall into a similar abyss of forgetfulness. I decided that afternoon that school lessons in themselves clearly did not have the capacity to teach me what I most wished to learn. I could only acknowledge that for the next years many of these school teachings would be useful for understanding and getting about in this world.

My inner teacher advised that it would now be essential to develop my own will in the world. I would have to be able to operate independently from those who did not honor the striving for love and joy within themselves and others. Yet I was far from happy with this course of action. To use will deliberately in opposition to another ran contrary to love's own deepest nature. I saw myself reluctantly entering a world divided against itself, a world that seemed to have abandoned the all the most precious living knowledge: of love, truth, Self.

“Just as long as I have the time and space to hold up what is taught to the light of my heart's truth, I can silently reject whatever is false.”, I thought.  “And as long as these lighted girl-beings are about me, it will be impossible to forget my heart's truth. That is what matters most.”

And always still, the greatest source of learning would arise from the depths of Self. Everyone in this world obviously did that in their own silence. In that moment I decided I would respect their strange way for years, until I had learned enough of the ways of this world. Then I saw myself in a vision teaching as I had always wished to learn, not from ignorance and fear, but of what I knew of hope and love..

*  *  *

Not long after that day I was to leave that school for another. From then on everything in my life lead me away from consideration and discussion of spiritual and religious dimensions. I would come to conclude over the years that they did not exist. In our house there were shelves of psychology and philosophy, but if there was a bible I did not know about it. Our family was proud, well read and highly cerebral. Although not fond of labels, if anything we must have been secular humanists.

*  *  *

I was most fortunate to find myself in another school's very first ‘bold’ step into co-education. Every day I counted my blessings to learn in the company of girls. Many idyllic years passed, filled with joy, laughter and discovery. Girls were anything but ordinary. While most other boys condemned and feared their vulnerability, my heart recognized its significance. Opportunities to love seemed everywhere and wherever my heart was drawn it was met without resistance. Beauty was not a complicated formula to learned, but a spontaneous celebration of each one’s uniqueness. Moment after moment shone with the pure loving intent of children's heart. Grace guided my soul’s learning into many of the treasures of human experience. It was a time of great harmony. Even as a child, much was learned…

In primary school I spent time with feet in the two camps; those of both girls and boys. While I enjoyed outdoor games with the boys, I would naturally tend to favor time talking and listening to the girls. In my time with the boys, their prevailing attitude to girls shocked me. I was often saddened to hear how poorly boys thought of them.

Several times I tried challenging the boys' basic principles. Whenever I caught  one blatantly affirming 'Girls are evil' (or any of its slightly more subtle derivatives), I would appeal to the boy's logic with the question 'Do you actually know one?'. Invariably that would be met with silence.

Despite this the boys in my class often affirmed their solidarity in the collective chanting of the popular mantra:

"Boys are strong, like King Kong. Girls are weak. Throw them in the creek."

This peculiar invocation to the giant gorilla within would always startle me. Most often it seemed appropriate cue for my departure. But once or twice, when no girls were to be found, I would stay. Joining in their song I would be greeted with enthusiastic smiles and tribal nods. So many boys were glad to see me there; returning to add my strength to their pack. Little did they know that the fervor in my voice sprung purely from my secret delight at the irony. So much of this so-called 'male strength' amounted to nothing more than stupidity, pride, and fear of its own vulnerability - all projected blindly onto our beloved counterparts. I thought it the most fitting hymn to a great tide of male fear and ignorance - which I knew extended far beyond my young classmates. And playing a practical ten-year old double-agent, promoting the idea occasionally could only leave even more girls for my own company.

* * *

Perhaps it is inevitable that every soul’s sincere journey into humanness eventually takes a plunge into darkness. For me it came at the start of my teenage years. All at once the winds of change came, and a single sudden gust had blown away every girl I loved. Concurrently the pace of academic life quickened significantly. I could no longer succeed academically without giving most of my attention to the teacher.

With few exceptions the day-to-day life took me further away from what my soul most longed to learn. Insidiously, all external influences impressed upon our minds it is never enough just to be. One had to be this or that, and then something else. Life was not meant for being, but doing, and woe-forbid, if not doing then at very least thinking about doing. Loving (if mentioned at all) became something for 'later' (ie. when adult), an ominous precedent that did not sit comfortably with my inner being at all.

Silently, urgently I cried out within to all my friends: “Wait. Didn’t you just feel that distinct shift. Walk carefully. Look within. Don’t forget your true Selves. Love is still here and now! Love is what we are here for. It’s most important. Please don’t forget.”

But they did forget. I watched in distress as I saw my peers being herded like unknowing sheep, towards what I knew must be a bleak future. Although I could not articulate it at the time, our schooling was pushing us relentlessly into a mindset - a spiritual corral - wholly committed towards materialism and maintaining the status quo.

When I sensed this coming the inclination of my spirit was to remove myself from the whole school system, however reason told me that at eleven years of age, with no external support, this path would lead into great difficulties. When I remembered the love for all my peers, I realised that continuing school was perhaps the better of the two flawed paths. At least then I could share in whatever difficulties would come our way.

And so the academic pace whirled on into ever greater furies. There was no reprieve. We were constantly reminded that life was 'only going to get tougher'.

'You are not children anymore.' We were told sternly. Indeed, there grew in me a great sadness that nothing pure, joyful and beautiful might ever survive this dreadful process of 'growing up'. My inner self was smothered; overwhelmed. My mind was forced to accept all manner of 'facts' before I could even begin considering their truth in my own experience, and their relevance to my soul's purpose.

For a few years I half-enthusiastically explored the prevailing theme of development of the self in competition. But a competitive philosophy was clearly less than ideal, for whatever satisfaction was obtained in victory was rare, always short-lived and also at others’ expense.

My spirit craved time and space to reflect - to sort life out. In my education it was never allowed for. There was no idea of inner development, no approach to intuition or the subconscious mind. Expressions of feeling were collectively regarded as weakness; emotion was a taboo subject. Truly independent thinking, any passionate exploration of our own ideas of self esteem, self-confidence, and inner psychic growth were seen as dissent. The best therapy for lost peace of mind was given as "keep yourself busy".

There were six years of the most intense development of the intellect, where there was little else but the examination and discrimination of other people's ideas, until 'I' had become little more than a confused collection of fixed ideas and expectations impressed upon me by others. A complete false self - ego - was born. A pawl of forgetfulness was drawn over the brightness of the soul's purpose. Insidiously, 'I' was blinded to the deeper realms of Self. My heart's truth - my vulnerability - my strength - was swept under a suffocating carpet of conformity, pride and fear. All the pure will to love was locked away behind bars of self-doubt.

Many long and miserable years followed, trapped by expectations of who I was 'meant to be', and what I 'must' do. I had always understood that to commit my whole identity to any external roles would be to limit the unbounded internal possibilities. And to commit my whole focus and identity to anything less than love would be a huge step backwards..

In those long years I would touch girls only in prayers; prayers that were never spoken ; prayers that went no further than my own heart's hushed yearning. Angels came, but only in the stillness of the night. They could reach me only in the deepest of dreams. Their whispered promises and tender embraces kept the reality of love alive, meeting the longing deep within.

*  *  *

In the world the pure freedom of the present and the Self undefined was largely lost to me. All I could see clearly was that every role and expectation pushed upon me was not what I was. Intuitively I understood that commitment to any one external 'role' could only be a limitation to the freedom and totality of the whole loving Self. In the final years of high school I began cultivating willful detachment from everyone's expectations of me. I began to openly question the reasoning of family, peers, and teachers. I could not idly accept the inconsistency of teacher’s beliefs, thoughts, words and actions.

In supposedly inspirational speeches we were assured that our intellectual development at school would be perfectly balanced with carefully guided 'physical development'. This amounted to compulsory attendance of sports designated appropriate for us. One particular occasion my 'physical education' class was told it was time for high jumping. Deliberately I made my way to the back of the queue. My own  individuality had long been struggling for survival and I knew a confrontation with the system was pending. Yet I hated conflict. As I quietly made the front of the queue I paused, wishing desperately my body would just melt away.

"Phillip. It's time for you to jump. Jump Phillip, Jump!"

"I don't really want to do this. Tell me why I have to?"

"It's a discipline. It's for your own good."

"But the only worthwhile discipline is self-discipline. And how do you know what is good for me? You don't have a clue about me or what I really want. In all my years at school, no one has ever asked what I want with any sincerity. In fact I have reached the conclusion that no-one is really interested. Are you?"

"Phillip, you are being difficult."

"I am sorry for disrupting the class. But you still haven't answered my question. Let us please remember I am a human being, not a sheep. I just cannot be told to jump, run there, do this, do that. I cannot believe that just following another person's orders are the basis of an effective education - or an effective life. I don't tell you what to do. I cannot, for I do not know you. And I would not order you for I believe in your ability to decide for yourself. So what right do you have to order me?

There was silence. We both knew her inevitable answer. I was reprimanded and given detention for my 'disobedience'. In this and other similar incidents I lost all my peers' support, yet I won a vital battle for control of my soul. My individual will was not broken.

It wasn't long before I had finished with formal education forever. That sort of school could never complete me, and I never completed that school. 

It took a while, but over five or more years, I managed to shake off more and more the shackles of external demands, and reclaim my free will. I was to leave my familiar Australian 'world' far behind.

* * *

It was amongst the crystal blue skies and sparkling snows of Switzerland that I  found a new sense of Self. The pure air cleared my mind. The beauty of the great mountains was intoxicating. Their imposing heights humbled my human body, while inviting my spirit upwards. Their untouched faces and soaring ridges led my eyes back to the heavens.  Far from Australia's beaches I had always felt mountains were my true home.

There I found delightful freedom and expression in strapping two planks to my feet and swooshing down the endless variety of slopes. In skiing I found incredible joy. It held secrets for me of an unspoken grace; a promise of beauty made manifest. Unlike any other physical activity, I sensed skiing could liberate my spirit in the world of form.

And snow, the stuff of dreams, how I had always loved it so! I had long been mesmerized by its purity; its brilliance in the sun. I was spellbound when it fell, quietly transforming every landscape with softness. In Australia it had all seemed so rare; whilst in Switzerland it fell with no effort at all. In Switzerland it lies on the great peaks forever.

It was into this wonderful world that she came. One girl was the key to my awakening. She was life’s messenger to me that love was still my way.

It was almost Christmas. All was beautiful, pure and white. For days the snow had been falling in great drifts. I was working outdoors, shoveling a path for the winter guests. I was glad to be busy on a day the mountains were all closed for avalanche danger.

Many guests were passing on foot in their way to and from the village. One particular blonde girl caught my attention. She passed several times, each with a smile. Eventually we struck up an easy conversation. She was from Germany and found an Australian shoveling snow in Switzerland to be rather curious.

“Would you like to go skiing together?” I finally asked a little nervously.

“Yes!” Her smile registered in my heart, my mind never needing to grasp her spoken reply.

*  *  *

She was magnificent on skis, out-running even the wind. Following as best I could, I was pushed beyond all my previous limits. I would struggle just to keep her within sight. In my bravest attempts to keep up, I would often crash spectacularly. Yet nothing real was ever broken. I knew pride could only be an impediment to my learning; to my loving. I was not afraid to fall. And so I learned fast, very fast indeed.

We often went skiing together. We zoomed across a pure white wilderness of eternal snows, shot down forested gullies, and emerged laughing amongst ancient sun browned barns.

As time went by, so much shared joy meant we inevitably became very close. All of my focus was drawn progressively into the perfection of the present. At last I was free of regret for the past; free of fear for the future. I felt my spirit's resurrection in this very human love.  

I felt enormous respect and admiration for this girl. She was beautiful, certainly, but not because she conformed to any rigorous external standard. It was the natural expression of her spirit through her physicality that captured my attention. So much of her spirit shone through her actions and physical form. But more than this; she trusted me. She shared more of her deeper thoughts, feelings, doubts and ambitions that anyone ever had with me. She radiated a multitude of qualities that I sought to awaken within my adult self. She was courageous, open, and confident.

* * *

My evening working hours encouraged abundant free time under the bright mountain sun. Six full days a week I spent on skis, far more time on the snow than she. I had always had the will to learn rapidly, and in heart and soul I knew the conditions in Switzerland were perfect for my learning.

I never had a desire for a formal ski teacher. Something told me most teachers would not encourage my capacity for learning from myself, inadvertently stifling my true potential. So instead I taught myself from a book. From the mountain lifts I studied the best skiers, while contemplating the mind-set behind their natural style. I considered well the mountains too, inspiring me with their quiet majesty. Silently I invited the great Alpine spirit to awaken whatever grace there was in me.

* * *

Grace always answers the call of the heart. Great guides, while often intangible, are attracted to every spirit’s sincere desire to grow.

For the pure joy of my own self-mastery I sought to excel on skis. My girlfriend had inspired me with her speed and grace. But alone I continued pushing past all my personal fears and limits. I would dash down the great mountains, dreaming the world's greatest ski teachers joining me across time and space, celebrating the speed and joy of learning.

I learned not to fight the mountains; but much more importantly, not to fight myself. My inner teacher reminded me falling is an integral stage of learning. I was not to fear it. I discovered the very fear of falling would lead to tightening up; making falling much more likely.

I was determined, at least, to achieve such measure of grace whereupon I no longer fell because of my own fear. And as much as I was wholly committed to learning to ski, something within knew I was learning also lessons much greater.

I was reminded the accomplishment of every great human endeavor must include the fundamental address of falling. Some quiet confident voice told me that within every novice there is a master, and within every master a novice. That the only significant difference between a true master and a beginner is that the master has learned to forgive themselves for falling, knowing it is inevitable, but seeks instead to learn something from it.  This commitment in advance to forgive all mistakes and see them as opportunities to learn made possibilities for learning very fast.

At last I felt free in the world; free to learn at my own pace, free of everyone else imposing on me what was and was not worthwhile, free to learn through joy. I learned to laugh at error; I learned to laugh at my own pride. Whatever mistakes others made, I made. I loved crashes in the snow. It was spectacular. It had  an unpredictable creativity. It had the power to instill humility in us all. I understood skiing brought us together as human beings; to fall, to learn, to forgive.

Over the months my own skis came to dance and flash in the brilliant mountain light. I was enchanted in epic series of singing sweeping turns, eight miles in eight minutes, non-stop from mountaintop to village. The spirit of the mountains taught me the secrets of swift skiing; fast learning. I had never known such pure physical joy and vitality in my life.

Surprising myself with my rapid progress, I overtook my girlfriend on all but the bumpiest slopes. While she delighted most in skiing bumps, I did not relish them. I felt they jarred me, confined my speed, and limited the options for a graceful line downhill. Though bumps could not always be avoided. To become more complete I saw the need to navigate all the world's terrain without fear.

*  *  *

And so time went by joyfully. Not one moment was wasted. I felt myself growing at every level. My girlfriend and I spent much time together. But as the relationship deepened, inevitably a few doubts began to rise within me. Under the surface I noticed she was not, in fact, as ‘perfect’ as I had initially hoped.

I was contemplating this alone one day, as I walked through the tranquil snowy streets of the village.

I had doubts about her. I had doubts about our relationship. Was there someone more perfect for me?

Perhaps. But what does perfection actually mean? If I saw her flawed in my mind, then I could hardly deny my own human imperfections. There still lingered self-doubts, particualrly from my teenage years.

So there were doubts. Of her – of self – of us together.

All these doubts lived in my mind. They made me uncomfortable. I wanted to push them away, but they called for attention.

The self-doubts had always called for my attention.

For years I had run from them. For years I had waited for a realized love to walk with me into their forbidding mystery. Now I could hardly deny it. That love was finally here.

Clearly both doubt and love needed consideration here and now. They were closely related within the self – and not just in me - they were bound together in the alchemy of the human condition.

Was doubt as real as love?

My doubt : is this girl worthy of all my love?

I was not sure. But to judge her as unworthy would not foster our relationship. To nurture and justify doubts and judgments in my mind must contribute to disintegration of the relationship. If I were to be honest, and I certainly wanted to be, whatever thoughts I held of her would inevitably manifest in my words and actions. And whatever I gave her must inevitably be given in fairness back to me.

But moreover to judge her, how could I be honest – consistent – and not then condemn myself for my own imperfections? I could not remain so blind. I hadn't realised just how costly judgmental thoughts were! It seemed everyone must suffer in consequence of judgments of unworthiness, and they must imperil the deeper possibilities of love and trust in relationship. Clearly I did not want any of that.

Was I really ready to give her so much of myself?

I had to acknowledge I was moving deeper into relationship than ever before. I would have to share more of myself than I ever had. What if she rejected that deeper self? To continue was to risk being hurt more deeply than anything I had ever known. While I had suffered for years in loving before, I could not imagine how deeply I might be hurt if I was to go deeper into the relationship. To continue into the relationship required a conscious decision to trust in love ahead of my fear of being hurt.

Was I prepared to risk everything for this love? This love. What did it mean?

Apart from all the shared joys, our relationship had enabled me to accept and express myself in ways I had never known before. I might have never learned to accept parts of myself without her presence in my life. In just months I had made a dozen years of progress in my growth; in my experience of the full joy of humanness. I would only be a fool or a coward not to continue exploring this unrivalled opportunity for growth.

Was love only justified if someone was perfect?

Well, I was far from perfect. I had learned that over the years. Yet I was often certain in my love for others, and I wanted to believe I was somehow worthy of someone's love.   Love. Love. Love.  It was always love that led me closer to the realization of perfection; in others; and perhaps ultimately in some unimaginable redemption of Self.

But what is perfection? And who decides what is perfect?

It was then I saw that since the age of eleven I had been allowing EVERYONE else decide for me what was beautiful and worthy. My whole fixed idea of 'perfection' had come with the thought there was someone I could (or 'had to') become that would please everyone. But the notion of worthiness had become so exclusive that I could no longer see a single person fitting the bill - including myself. I saw that sort of 'perfection' was impossible and striving for it unconsciously had been a terrible constraint on my free spirit.

I had traveled so far beyond what my old world had taught. Both my girlfriend and I stood beyond every narrow old standards of approval. In the last months all I had known were the wonders of love. There was great joy, peace, freedom beyond all my old concepts of right and wrong. It was love that was liberating me. Love itself was my most significant human step towards perfection.

What, then, was perfect about love?

It was then that I remembered.

Pure love accepts. It can never condemn.

Suddenly it was dawning upon me again how the human potential for love was unlimited. Nothing was perfect in itself in the human world; nothing except for love. What made love perfect in the human world was its pure intent to accept and forgive all. Judgment, condemnation and doubt could only separate : within minds and within relationships. Only pure love could accept, unify, heal, reveal, share and forgive all. The higher dimensions of love are wholly consistent and wholly forgiving; of both Self and others.

In the quietness of the alpine streets I understood.

The pure intent to forgive all was the invitation to perfect love in the human world. Only pure love could unify the whole human Self.

This relationship was offering the perfect opportunity to grow, because I had the opportunity to forgive and bless everything human in her. Every “imperfection” in her melted into a greater perfection in my eyes, for the opportunity to accept her “imperfection” was a gift I would also receive myself. This relationship was life’s lesson to forgive and accept both our uniquely human selves. To choose to love the ‘imperfections’ I had initially perceived in her, granted me permission to forgive all my own faults, and become the ultimate gift to both of us.

From that moment my love and gratitude for the relationship became truly unlimited. This could be a perfectly realised relationship - one filled with joy and boundless opportunities to grow. Mistakes existed only to be forgiven, so that love could continue to flourish. Only with commitment to share the Self and forgive completely could love blossom without limits within me - and within the relationship.           

I was filled with renewed appreciation for her; for our relationship; for life. I constantly found fresh appreciation for her exuberant physicality, her movement,  extending to all her feelings, her thoughts, her creative intent, and especially in my forgiveness of every previously imagined human flaw. All of it contributed to the possibility of my love going beyond what it had ever known before. All of it contributed to her individuality.  Every part of her being shared was a gift of potential to me. All my doubts and judgments were dissolving in the fire of an all-forgiving love. It became impossible to judge any part of her physical, emotional, mental, or spiritual being as anything less than beautiful.

I knew there was nothing this love could not redeem in both of us.  This love had a power and grace that refused all notions of condemnation. I knew that in our continuing relationship, this love within must inevitably blossom to include all of myself, before it would 'break its banks' and emerge as love for the whole world.

After so many years in the wilderness, at last I was waking each day filled with genuine gratitude for life. I felt myself soaring upwards in the current of my soul's higher purpose. I finally conceptually understood  how to keep love alive perpetually in the human world.

Every day was an opportunity to learn and practice love, only now as an adult with all the extra wonders and mysteries that entails. I still had so much to learn about putting love into human form, but I felt it all laid out before me in one infinite banquet of opportunity with this one unique soul.

How much I had learned in those precious five months! How I had learned about growth, forgiveness; about love in Self and others, about excellence and joy and grace in form! My being had blossomed at every level; physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I never wanted it to end. I felt certain I getting very close to heaven on earth.

But all too soon it was May. The full strength of the sun was driving the snows into their summer retreat. The winter season was over. Our work was done.

*  *  *

After two weeks apart, we were to meet at her home in Germany. I stepped off a midnight train at her station. There I was greeted by an unfamiliar reserve in her touch. There was no meeting my eyes, no spontaneous smile, no quickening of her step towards me. Something was not right.

Impressing me with her youth and ingenuity, she had arranged two bicycles for a ride home from the station. Soon we were speeding along together again.

“Magnificent.”, I thought. “This is my life as it is meant to be. Another land, another adventure, still more joyful opportunities to grow.”

I knew next to nothing about her land. I trusted only in my love to guide me. Her blonde hair shone so beautifully in the moonlight, sweeping tenderly over her shoulders in the slipstream.

“How lucky I am to be shown ever-new facets to her beauty. With her I know it need never end.”, I shared with my silver friend in the sky.

But something told me she did not see the moonlight.

* * *

Lying next to her that night, there was a foreign chill to her presence. At breakfast the next day conversation was halting. A tension had been building in her.

I knew something was very wrong. I was afraid to ask, but my inner teacher reminded me that courage and clear communication is required in every good relationship. So I asked what was wrong.

"Our relationship is over," she said.

I had not sensed the fall before it came. But suddenly in her mind it was finished. She was so thoroughly convinced by her doubts, it was as though nothing had ever been shared. Every door that had been opened to intimacy had been closed.

"Why? What is wrong? Is there someone else?"

"No."

In her mind 'it just could not work'. Nothing I did or said could turn her from the resolve to part. She didn't pause long before stating her frighteningly inadequate conclusion:

"You should leave.”

I was stunned.

What!? Why?! How?! No!

The prospect of such immediate and complete loss was unfathomable. I could not believe someone could turn away from such an opportunity to share all the self, to be appreciated and loved for it all. Nor could I believe life itself would allow for such a liberation in love to slip away! It was all incomprehensible.

Worse than any words was the stark reality of her new feelings. Throughout the day complete strangers appeared radiant in their warmth towards me. A great tide had turned within her.

If I had an adequate explanation for the changes in her, I felt I could at least learn; bless; and move on. Although she tried her honest best, the girl herself could not effectively substantiate her doubts. Over hours of discussion, she offered little logic or reason. When she cited her dislike of the color of my ski-jacket as justification for our breakup, I solemnly let go hope of finding clarity in conversation.

As I confirmed my flight ten thousand miles back to Australia, she relaxed somewhat. But the further I compassionately explored her thinking the more uncertain she became. Eventually she courageously shared that an unspeakable episode from her childhood still bound her. I was guided by the simple will to love all, no matter what might arise from her past. I could not use force on her, but neither could she share the details. After days of mostly fruitless discussion, time had run out.

I left Germany. At first I was just numb; in shock. But as the train sped deeper into dark and unfamiliar lands, the dreadful finality of it all overcame me.

The relationship was over. The love was gone. There was no turning back.

Immediately I was overcome with grief; an enormous sense of loss. By the time I had crossed the channel and reached London I was beset with such heartache as I had never known. I cried for the loss of our heart connection; the loss of her physical presence. But far more than this, I was devastated to know the loss of potential the relationship still held. There could never be tears enough to assuage such depths of sorrow. All the joy, the intimacy, the love, and the growth that could have been shared was gone. I could not even begin to comprehend how so much potential could be wasted.

In London I knew no one. I wandered quiet streets, grateful for the darkness.  Long shadows hid the tears streaming from my eyes. I hadn't cried in so many years. I knew this was not the time to attempt to censor them. After some hours no thought of hope had found purchase in my weary head. I was at a complete loss. Thoroughly exhausted, I returned to my hostel bunk and fell into the arms of deep sleep.

The next day I awoke with sadness and disbelief, but also with a new sense of purpose. The pain of the loss was still great, but the lack of understanding multiplied the anguish immeasurably.

Why had she turned away?

Perhaps if I knew the answer the grief might become tolerable. At least the act of questioning offered distraction from feeling helpless.

With some resolve, I scoured through London bookshops. Gathering an armful of 'pop' psychology books, my mind raced down their convoluted paths. I was desperate for some explanation of the loss; or at least some validation of my misery.

Initially I settled upon “My neurotic need for love”. At least then it seemed I could take responsibility for the pain.

But several days later back in Australia I began to question this.

Certainly it was true – I struggled to find real meaning in my life without love. And to explore and practice loving a girl had always been my greatest dream.

But could something so liberating and joyful be wrong? And how could the deeper purpose of forgiving us both be neurotic?

I put the pop psychology books away.

Back amongst family and old school friends I was dismayed to find no-one perceived the great changes that had manifested in me. But then my small Australian circle had never approached relationships - or life - as my inner being had strived to. It did not surprise me that no-one offered much meaningful guidance. While well meaning, “You’ll get over it,” seemed dismissive and terribly inadequate. I knew enough of myself to know I may not get over it at all. I had never seen anyone risk so much, give so much, lose so much. No-one had ever understood the depths of my intent. A perfect and unique opportunity to know love; for two souls to grow in freedom and joy had gone.

The sense of loss remained intolerable. I simply had to make sense of what had happened. Moreover, somehow I had to honor everything that had happened to me in Switzerland. There I had learned so much. There I had truly lived for the first time in my adult life. I had been so free. But in Australia I saw the risk of losing it all; forgetting it all. I could not allow my reborn self to be crushed there. I could not simply conform to all the old expectations of who I was.

With no outer resources assisting me, I retreated to a far-flung city in Australia, thousands of miles from anyone I ever knew. By night I shared a simple dormitory with backpacking travelers. By day I spent all my hours in the sanctuary of the state’s library. I withdrew into my inner Self; secure territory, though not entirely familiar.

Clouds of anguish overshadowed every familiar sense of self. My customary calmness of mind remained deeply disturbed by the lack of understanding of the loss. The only thing clear was life could not go on until somehow the sorrow was resolved. For the first time in my life I gave consideration to drugs, alcohol and abject denial of reality. However upon examination these options held little promise. Love was so central to my nature, it was clear that total 'resolution' of the pain in unconsciousness could only be achieved through my total annihilation. A quick suicide emerged briefly in my mind as an option, until further reflection exposed it as a complicated and messy business, rather than any sort of real solution. Although I had absolutely no religious or spiritual convictions, I still couldn't be completely sure that death would be the end! If it wasn't the end there would still be suffering for me, and the legacy of a suicidal demise would certainly be suffering for those I left behind. Such an act would not honor the love at all.

Somehow the love had to be honored.

A strange inner thought reminded me that the pure intention to love was very important in itself, and worthy of far more than annihilation of the Self.  Inspired somewhat by this welcome thought, I consoled myself that I was indeed thoroughly alive as never before, even if completely miserable.

It was under this most unusual stress I began to ask myself the most unusual questions.

What am I to do?

I had shaken off everyone's expectations and understanding of me.

Where has my inner peace gone? I held back nothing in my intent to love her. Surely to know real love is not to sacrifice peace?

That can't be true.

“No, love itself is peace. Love has always given me permission to be at peace - the deepest peace that is full of aliveness and joy – a peace that simultaneously includes and transcends the Self.”

That alone had I always held as the central truth of my life.

So I reasoned “The greater the love should equate to greater peace. If I am suffering because of my love, perhaps there are mistakes in my thinking..?”

And so I was introduced to the idea that distortions and conflicts in the mind cause suffering. And that itself prompted me to consider the true power of the mind. I had always had faith in the ability of my mind to ultimately work life out. Yet here was a task surely possible with my complete commitment: to know myself. It was time to look at what I really believed to be true.

Then and there I befriended my truth; one who’d always been a trustworthy companion, but in that moment became a gracious guiding light in my search for peace.

The grief prompted an unprecedented inner search for understanding. I knew I could not blame the girl herself for her decision. I loved her too much. I had made a solemn decision to never imagine her as unworthy of love.  I hated to see her suffer, and I could not force her to relive the pain from her own past. But I resolved to know the cause of my suffering and the reasons for the separation. I could only look within the framework of my experience, my belief system, and the strength of my love. In my search for the truth I had no option but to look wholly within - to the source of grief and doubt, to my identity, and ultimately to the love beyond them.

As I had made total commitment to never judge my girlfriend  as unworthy of love, whatever cruelty still alive in me saw our separation as obvious proof of my own weakness.

Somehow I must be at fault. I could not be worthy of love. My secret self-doubts must be real.

My mind would have gladly seized and expanded upon this, but some welcome thought reminded me that in the beginning, she had been the one so completely 'in love'. There was a time she could not even bring herself to eat, she was so deliriously happy. Initially I had been startled and even a little bit frightened by the strength of her feelings. Nothing had changed after that; except she had thankfully regained her appetite. I had deliberately made a deeper commitment. We had become closer.

After the most careful consideration, I could not doubt the essential goodness of my intention to love. It stood fast under days of the most demanding self-scrutiny. In fact its benevolence surprised me. This love saw beauty at every level of the human being. It was creative. It gave generously and it forgave without conditions. It demanded nothing. It understood the importance of her free will. It asked only for honesty and the shared joy of presence. My expression of love was not perfect, but by all standards it appeared good, and it sought purposefully to improve itself. 

How could anyone throw all that away?

I had never known a love so complete. A crucial turning point came with the thought: “I could never turn from such a love offered to me, so how could she?”

In the beginning she had. But as the intimacy grew, as the requirement for honesty deepened, the stakes had become higher. That day walking the snowy streets I had made a deliberate and conscious decision to risk sharing myself beyond all my fears of being rejected and hurt. But had she?

If my love had one great expectation, a weakness in its desire, it was this: it called on her to open and share all of herself. I had reached a point of understanding there was nothing love could not have redeemed in us. All that was required was the commitment of time, openness, honesty and complete acceptance of whatever might come up.

How could she not have commitment to her own redemption?   

I had to consider then the few occasions when I had turned away from love that others had directed to me in my life. If the love from another had indeed been honest and true, if it had wished purely for my own happiness according to my own terms, in understanding and appreciation for who I was, without imposing and conditions or expectations, then the only way I ever turned from it was in doubt of my own worth.

It became apparent then, that there was one opposing force to the acceptance and knowing of love. It was doubt. It was fear.

But every fear within the girl of my affections was an illusion! I loved her even in her fear, even in her self-doubt. I loved her so much I could not ever judge her as unworthy. If she had shown that vulnerability to me I could only love her more. The equation was simple to me. A gift of the inner self=vulnerability=trust=opportunity for intimacy=deeper love.

I began to see clearly the relationship between the forces of love, growth and intimacy, opposed to fear, loss and separation. In that I stumbled across an incredible and long-forgotten alchemy. Love and fear seemed to be the two major players in human experience. Fear obstructed love and growth, but also expression, creativity, spontaneity, joy, and learning. Fear was clearly a block to the best of life itself!

Something within my girlfriend terrified her of the prospect of deepening intimacy. She had chosen fear over love, but that was something I could no longer do to myself. Far too much love had been awakened in me to allow fear to stifle love again.

Then and there I refused to accept fear as a limit within myself. Clearly it was time to have a deep look within at what fears I had been holding unexamined.

I soon realised that as powerful a negative force as fear appeared to be, it could only exist unconsciously. To hold fear was to doubt the essential goodness of Self and to doubt the all-forgiving nature and intent of love. Fear could not remain if gently challenged for its message and truth.

A little later I realised that love was a flow of conscious energy through the heart. The great pain I was feeling was because my beliefs blocked the flow of love within me. Love was truly unlimited, but I could not allow my own mind to limit it. If I had imagined my yearning love had nowhere to go, it was because it never occurred to me that I could turn it directly upon myself.

I came back to the thought "I could not turn from such a love offered to me". "Need I turn from it?" And "What is the nature of this love within me - this incredible motivating force - this will to grow, and share and bless beyond all limits?"

I took love by the hand and asked fear to explain itself within me.

Offering acceptance and forgiveness to my own fears and self-doubts was a transaction of perfect efficiency. After an initial struggle there was no resistance.  Behind every unheard fear was a trapped aspect of the whole Self, yearning only to be seen without judgment. I gently challenged fears and examined their relationship to acceptance of my deeper self. I extended these concepts within, my understanding blossomed, and every grief began to melt into a much greater awareness.

As I forgave myself for all my own fears and former resistance to love,  so I forgave this girl for everything. It occurred then, that even as a humble boy/man my love intended to forgive all. But what manner of love was there in life that went beyond my love? And where were the real masters of love – those teachers I had never met? What would they say about love?

But again I only imagine such souls, living lives throughout the ages, pursuing  excellence in their own dreams, fellow students of love's deeper nature.