Love Is, therefore We Are

We often went skiing together. Zooming across a white wilderness of eternal snow, we shot down forested gullies, and emerged laughing amongst (civilization) ancient sun-browned barns.

As time went by, so much shared joy meant we inevitably became very close. All of my focus was drawn progressively into the perfection of the present. At last I was free of regret for the past; free of fear for the future. My spirit's resurrection came in this most human love.

I felt enormous respect and admiration for this girl. She was beautiful, certainly, but not because she conformed to any rigorous external standard. It was the unforced expression of her spirit through her physicality that captured my attention. A fearless spirit of youth shone through her. But more than this; she trusted me. She shared more of her deeper thoughts, feelings, doubts and ambitions that anyone ever had with me. She radiated qualities I had been developing within my adult self. She was courageous; never doubting her ability to accomplish any goal she set herself.

* * *

My working hours allowed abundant free time under the bright mountain sun. Six days a week I spent on skis, far more time on the snow than she. I had always had the will to learn rapidly, and inside I knew the conditions in Switzerland were perfect for my learning.

I never had a formal ski teacher. Something told me most teachers would not encourage my capacity for learning from myself, inadvertently stifling my potential. Instead I taught myself, studying all the technical mistakes one could make, and their correction, from a book. From the mountain lifts I admired the best skiers, contemplating their rythmn and style. I looked to the mountains too, inspiring me with their majesty. Silently I invited the eternal Alpine spirit to awaken whatever grace there was in me.

* * *

Grace always answers the call of the heart. Great guides, while often intangible, are attracted to every spirit’s sincere desire to grow.

In the pure joy of my own self-mastery I sought to excel on skis. My girlfriend had inspired me with her speed and poise. But alone I continued pushing past all my personal fears and limits. I would dash down the great mountains, dreaming the world's greatest ski teachers joining me across time and space, celebrating the speed and joy of learning.

I learned not to fight the mountains; but much more importantly, not to fight myself. My inner teacher reminded me falling is an integral stage of learning. I learned not to fear it. I discovered the very fear of falling would lead to tightening up; making falling much more likely.

I was determined, at least, to achieve such measure of grace whereupon I no longer fell because of my own fear. And as much as I was wholly committed to learning to ski, tiny shivers of joy told that I was learning lessons much greater.

I was reminded the accomplishment of every great human endeavor must include the fundamental address of falling. An inner teacher told me that within every novice there is a master, and within every master a novice. That the most significant difference between a master and a beginner is that the master has learned to forgive themselves for falling, knowing it is inevitable, and sought instead to learn something from it. This commitment in advance to forgive all mistakes, seeing them as opportunities to learn, made possibilities for learning very fast.

At last I was free to learn at my own pace, free of everyone else imposing their values and judgment upon me. So I learned to laugh at error. I learned to laugh at my own pride. I began to esteem crashes in the snow. Whatever mistakes others made, I made. Falls could be spectacular, each with an unbridled creativity. Only in falling individually could humility be fathomed in us all. I saw skiing brought us together as human beings; to fall, to learn, to forgive.

Over the months my own skis came to dance and flash in the brilliant mountain light. I was enchanted in series of singing sweeping turns, eight miles in eight minutes, non-stop from mountaintop to village. The spirit of the mountains taught me the secrets of swift skiing; fast learning. I had never known such pure physical joy and vitality in my life.

Surprising myself with my rapid progress, I overtook my girlfriend on all but the bumpiest slopes. While she was fondest of skiing bumps, I found them jarring, and limited options for graceful lines downhill. Though bumps could not always be avoided. To become more complete I saw the need to navigate all the world's terrain without fear.

* * *

And so time went by joyfully. Not a moment was wasted. I felt myself growing at every level. My girlfriend and I spent much time together. But as the relationship deepened, inevitably a few doubts began to surface within me. Underneath the beautiful facade I noticed she was not, in fact, as 'perfect' as I had initially imagined.

I was contemplating this one day, as I walked alone through the tranquil snowy streets of the village.

I had doubts about her. I had doubts about our relationship.

Was there someone more ideal for me?

Perhaps. But is perfection even possible in a human being?

If I saw her flawed in my mind, then I could hardly deny my own human imperfections.

So there were doubts. Of her – of self – of us together.

All these doubts lived in my mind. They made me uncomfortable. I wanted to push them away. But both doubt and love needed consideration. They were closely related – and not just in me - they were obviously bound together in the greater alchemy of the human condition.

Can love be known again without doubt? And this doubt above all: is this girl worthy of all my love?

I was not sure. But to doubt her worthiness of love would be corrosive to our relationship. Even if I only harboured condemnation of her in my own mind, at a subtle level she would begin to feel a difference and know. And if I were to be honest, and I certainly wanted to be, whatever I thought of her must manifest in my words and actions. And whatever I said or did to her must inevitably be given, in fairness, back to me.

Moreover, if I judged her imperfections as unworthy of love, how could I maintain integrity, and not then condemn myself for my own shortcomings? And even were I to condemn her imperfections, while diverting all eyes from my own, I would never escape the fear of being found out and judged for them, with the added fear of being labelled a hypocrite as well.

I couldn't remain so blind. What frightful cost judgmental thoughts demand! How can I ever entertain them again?

The only way forward in love was to forgive us both for our imperfections. If I could love purely and utterly, like a child, I could preserve integrity, inner peace, and live free of fear of judgment. Otherwise, if I condemned part of her as unworthy of love, both of us would suffer, and every judgment would wound the trust and healing potential of our relationship.

Am I really ready to give her so much of myself?

I was moving deeper into relationship than ever before. I would have to share more of myself than I ever had.

What if she rejects that deeper self?

To continue was to risk being hurt more deeply than I'd ever known.

Am I prepared to trust in our relationship ahead of my fear of being hurt? Am I prepared to risk everything for this love?

Apart from all the shared joys, our relationship had enabled me to accept and express myself in ways I hadn't before. In six weeks I'd made ten years of progress in my growth. Only a coward would turn away from such an opportunity to go on.

In the quietness of the alpine streets I understood.

Our relationship offered the perfect opportunity to grow. Every “imperfection” in her melted into a greater beauty in my eyes, for the choice to forgive accept her “imperfection” was a gift I would also receive myself. To choose to love the "imperfections" I had initially perceived in her, granted me permission to forgive all my own faults, and become the ultimate gift to both of us.

From that moment my love and gratitude for our relationship grew exponentially. This could be a perfectly realised relationship - one filled with joy and boundless opportunities to grow. Mistakes existed only to be forgiven, so that love could continue to flourish. All of it contributed to her individuality and her humanity. All of it contributed to the possibility of my love going beyond what it had ever known before.

I understood there was nothing love could not redeem in both of us.

* * *

How much I had learned in those precious five months! How I had learned about forgiveness; about love of self and others, about grace living in form. At every level I was flourishing; physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. My terrestrial paradise was found. I never wanted it to end.

But all too soon it was May. The strength of the sun was driving the snows into their summer retreat. The winter season was over. Our work was done.

After two weeks apart, we were to meet at her home in Germany. Off a midnight train I stepped at her station. There I was greeted by unusual reserve in her touch. There was no meeting my eyes, no luminous smile, no quickening in her steps towards me.

Impressing me with her youth and ingenuity, she had arranged two bicycles for a ride home from the station. Soon we were racing along together again.

“This is life”, I thought. “Another country, ever-more opportunities to grow.”

I knew next to nothing about her land. I trusted only in my love to guide me. As we sped along the city streets, her blonde hair shone in the moonlight, sweeping tenderly over her shoulders in the slipstream.

“How lucky I am to see ever-new facets of her grace,” I shared with my silver friend in the sky.

But something told me she did not see the moonlight.

* * *

Lying together that night, her back was turned. At breakfast the next day, conversation was halting.

Part of me was afraid to ask what was wrong, but it had to be done.

"Our relationship is over," she told me.

In our two weeks apart, she explained she'd been tormented by doubts. In the end, she'd decided it was finished.

"But why? Is there someone else?"

"No."

In her mind it just couldn't work anymore. Nothing I said could turn her from her resolve to part.

"I don't know what can be done when people fall out of love," she said.

She didn't wait long before stating her frighteningly inadequate conclusion:

"In the next days you should leave.”

What!? Why?! No!

The prospect of such immediate and complete loss was unfathomable.

Worse than the paucity of words was the stark reality of her feelings. As we toured sights in her home town together that day, strangers appeared radiant in their warmth towards me.

If I had adequate explanation for the changes, I could learn; bless; and move on. While we talked on and on for hours, it only became clearer that she couldn't explain the abrupt reversal of heart. When she declared her disgust at the color of my ski-jacket as justification for our breakup, I solemnly let go of hope in finding further clarity in our exchange.

Regardless of my desire for us to stay together, it was obviously important to respect her will.

After I confirmed my flight ten thousand miles back to Australia, her demeanor relaxed. The further I compassionately explored her reasons for separating, the more uncertain she became. Eventually, when we were both exhausted, around 3am on our last night, she shared that an unspeakable episode from her childhood still bound her. I didn't want to pressure her to relive trauma she wasn't ready to, and she didn't want to share any further.

Time had run out.

In the morning I left Germany. At first there was just shock. But as the train sped deeper into unfamiliar lands, the dreadful finality of it all overcame me.

The relationship was over. The love was gone. There was no turning back.

Immediately I was overcome with an enormous sense of loss. By the time I'd crossed the channel and reached London I was beset with such grief as I had never known. Tears were spilt for the loss of our heart connection; the loss of her physical presence. But far more than this, I was devastated to know the loss of potential the relationship still held. All the joy, the intimacy, the love, and the growth that could have been shared was gone. I couldn't begin to comprehend how so much potential could be wasted.

Grief is the primordial yearning of love separate from its source.

In London I knew no one. I wandered quiet streets, grateful for the darkness. I hadn't faced tears in years, but I knew this was not the time to censor them. After hours of walking, no thought of hope had found purchase in my weary head. Exhausted, I returned to the hostel bunk, falling into the arms of deep sleep.

The next day I awoke with sadness and disbelief, but also with a new sense of purpose. The pain of the loss was still great, but the lack of understanding multiplied the anguish immeasurably.

Why had she turned away?

If I knew the answer, the grief might become tolerable. At least the act of questioning offered distraction.

With that resolve I scoured London bookshops. Gathering an armful of pop psychology books, I raced down their labyrinthine paths.

Initially I settled upon 'my neurotic need for love'. Then perhaps I could take responsibility for the pain.

But several days later back in Australia I began to question this.

Certainly it was true, without love I struggled to find meaning.

But could something so joyful and liberating be wrong? And how could the higher purpose of understanding and forgiving us both be neurotic?

I put the pop psychology books away.

Amongst family and old friends, it was dismaying to find no-one perceived the changes manifest in me.

It didn't surprise me that no-one offered much meaningful guidance. While well meaning, “You’ll get over it,” was terribly inadequate. I knew myself well enough to know I may not get over it at all.

I simply had to make sense of what had happened. Moreover, somehow I had to honor all the lessons learned in Switzerland. I'd been happier than I'd ever imagined an adult could be. I'd created a life unquestionably my own. Back in Australia I saw the risk of losing all I'd gained and grown; of forgetting it all. I couldn't allow myself to simply conform to everyone's old expectations of who I was.

So I flew to Perth, Australia, one of the most isolated cities in the world, thousands of miles from anyone I knew. By night I slept in a dorm with backpacking travelers. The days I spent in the sanctuary of the State Library. I retreated into my inner Self; sheltered waters, even if, by then, somewhat unfamiliar.

Presence is a call to love.

Clouds of anguish overshadowed every familiar sense of self. My customary calmness of mind remained deeply disturbed by the lack of understanding of the loss. The only thing clear was that my life could not go on until this grief was resolved. For the first time in my life I considered using drugs or alcohol to numb myself. However these options held little promise. Love was so central to my nature, it was clear that complete resolution of the pain via unconsciousness could only be achieved by total oblivion. Suicide came briefly to mind, until reflection unmasked it as a complicated and messy business. Although I had no religious or spiritual convictions, who could be quite sure death is the end? If death wasn't final, there would still be suffering for the soul, and the legacy of a suicidal demise would undoubtedly be suffering for all those left behind. Further misery would not honor the love at all.

Somehow the love had to be honored.

I have to learn everything I can from it. But how?

A curious inner thought reminded me that the pure intent to love was very important in itself, and worthy of far more than annihilation of the Self. Inspired somewhat by this welcome idea, I consoled myself that I was thoroughly alive, even if mostly miserable.

It was under this most unusual stress I began to ask myself the most unusual questions.

All I know is that I am suffering. What can be done about it?

Out of the inner turmoil came a thought bearing light.

The question stopped me. Mesmerized me. It offered hope and resolution. It suggested the way out of suffering was within, in understanding.

Where has my inner peace gone? I held back nothing in my intent to love her. Surely to know real love is not to sacrifice peace?

That can't be true. Love itself is peace.

Love has always given me permission to be at peace - the deepest peace that is full of aliveness and joy – a peace that simultaneously includes and transcends the Self.

So I reasoned.

A greater love should equate to greater peace. If I am suffering because of my love, perhaps there are mistakes in my thinking?

And so I was introduced to the idea that distortions and conflicts in the mind cause suffering. And that itself prompted me to consider the true power of the mind. I had always had faith in the ability of my mind to ultimately work life out. Yet here was a task surely possible with my complete commitment: to know myself. It was time to look at what I really believed to be true.

Then and there I befriended my truth; one who’d always been a trustworthy companion, but in that moment became a gracious guiding light in my search for peace.

Let the truth be a gracious guiding light in every search for peace.

The grief prompted an unprecedented inner search for understanding. I knew I could not blame the girl herself for her decision. I loved her too much. I had made a solemn decision to never imagine her as unworthy of love. I hated to see her suffer, and I could not force her to relive the pain from her own past. But I resolved to know the cause of my suffering and the reasons for the separation. I could only look within the framework of my experience, my belief system, and the strength of my love. In my search for the truth I had no option but to look wholly within - to the source of grief and doubt, to my identity, and ultimately to the love beyond them.

As I had made total commitment to never judge my girlfriend as unworthy of love, whatever cruelty still alive in me was tempted to see our separation as proof of my own weakness.

Somehow I must be at fault. I can't be worthy of love. My secret self-doubts must be real.

My doubting mind was ready to wallow in self-blame, but a thought reminded me that in the beginning, she told me she had been completely in love. There'd been days she told me she could not even bring herself to eat, she was so extraordinarily happy. Initially I had been concerned by the strength of her feelings. Nothing had changed after that; except she'd thankfully regained her appetite. I had made a deeper commitment. We'd become closer.

After days of the most careful consideration, I could no longer doubt the goodness of my intent to love. It stood fast under the most demanding self-scrutiny. Its benevolence quite surprised me. It saw beauty at every level of her human being. It gave generously and forgave without conditions. It demanded nothing, honouring her free will utterly. It asked only for her honesty and presence.

How could anyone throw all that away?

I've never known a love so complete.

A crucial turning point came. I'm not sure I could ever turn from such a love offered me, so how could she?

In the beginning she'd welcomed it. But as the intimacy grew, the requirement for honesty deepened, and the emotional stakes had risen. That day walking the streets I'd made conscious the decision to share myself beyond every fear of being rejected and hurt. But was she similarly all in?

If my love had a demand that was too much, it was this: it called on her to open and share all of herself. I had reached a point of understanding there was nothing compassion and forgiveness could not have redeemed in us. All that was required was the commitment of time, honesty and complete forgiveness of whatever might come up.

How could one not have commitment to their own redemption?

I had to consider then the few occasions when I had turned away from love that others had directed my way in life. If another's love had indeed been honest and true, if it had wished purely for my own happiness, according to my own terms, in understanding and appreciation for who I was, without imposing any conditions or expectations, then the only way I ever turned from it was in doubt of my own worth.

It became apparent then, that there was one opposing force to the acceptance and knowing of love. It was doubt. It was fear.

But every fear within the girl of my affections was an illusion! I loved all her precious humanity, even in her self-doubt. I could never judge her as unworthy. Whatever vulnerabilty she shared with me would only make me love her more. The equation was simple to me. A gift of the inner self=vulnerability=trust=opportunity for intimacy=deeper love.

I began to see clearly the relationship between the forces of love, growth and intimacy, opposed to fear, loss and separation. In that I stumbled across an incredible and long-forgotten alchemy. Love and fear seemed to be the two major players in human experience. Fear obstructed love and growth, but also expression, creativity, spontaneity, joy, and learning. Fear was clearly a block to the best of life itself!

Something within my girlfriend terrified her of the prospect of deepening intimacy. She had chosen fear over love, but that was something I could no longer do to myself. Far too much love had been awakened in me to allow fear to stifle love again.

Then and there I refused to accept fear as a limit within myself. Clearly it was time to have a deep look within at what fears I had been holding unexamined.

I soon realised that as powerful a negative force as fear appeared to be, it could only exist unconsciously. To hold fear was to doubt the essential goodness of Self and to doubt the all-forgiving nature and intent of love. Fear could not remain if gently challenged for its message and truth.

Take love by the hand and ask fear to explain itself.

Offering acceptance and forgiveness to my own fears and self-doubts was a transaction of perfect efficiency. After an initial struggle there was no resistance. Behind every unheard fear was a trapped aspect of the whole Self, yearning only to be seen without judgment. I gently challenged fears and examined their relationship to acceptance of my deeper self. I extended these concepts within, my understanding blossomed, and every grief began to melt into a much greater awareness.

As I forgave myself for all my own fears and former resistance to love, so I forgave this girl for everything. It occurred then, that even as a humble boy/man my love intended to forgive all. But what manner of love remained in life far beyond my own? And where were the real masters of love – those teachers I'd never met? What would they tell of love?

But I could only imagine such souls, living lives throughout the ages, pursuing excellence in their own dreams, fellow students of love's deeper nature.

The virtues I loved in this girl had always existed as potential within me. Each of us has the potential of the whole within us, but to realise them all alone, without relationship, is impossible. She had been the inspiration and example I needed to realise so much within myself. She had given me many gifts. Oh so many! I could honour the relationship by living myself the qualities she had mirrored to me. The determination to honor what I'd learned from her tempered the massive body of grief. Despite the reality of the physical loss, I could still keep something of her soul's beauty alive within me. And by nurturing it within myself, I might extend it to others in the future, so that what she gave me wouldn't be wasted at all.

Later I explored her decision to separate based upon my knowledge of her past. It became very clear that the girl of my affections was not in a position to receive my love. To move forward in our relationship would require her to explore, challenge, and release all the buried emotions of a very painful childhood, and that was something she was obviously not ready to do. She chose fear – even to fear a love that could only bless and forgive – in order not to be immediately conscious of all her unresolved thoughts and feelings. Her fear was a very effective restraint. It was a decision to remain unconscious, applied so as not to experience too much, too quickly.

But I was ready to move on, and there was no aspect of my self that was not ready to submit to the spirit of love’s all-forgiving vision. This was the fundamental difference between us. We had gone far together. But it was time to bless and release her. And that I did.

Love and gratitude for her would remain, but my deepening trust in life told me she would be okay. Others would love her, and better reflect her own inner architecture. Her coming was meant to be, not to be with me ‘forever’, but to ignite the longing for something greater within me. That had been done p-e-r-f-e-c-t-ly. At last I had returned to the deep pool of knowing within. Into its tranquil depths I gladly swam.

A lighted guide to the love within had been awakened. Eclipsing my love for this one girl was the incredible potential of really understanding my Self, finding my truth, and healing every area of darkness and fear within me. The will to love was burning so brightly within, I could no longer accept anything else in its place. There was no emotion I would not forgive anyone for, neither within myself. My will to know the truth (my deepest beliefs) only deepened, and the exploration of the inner self continued.

In the light of self examination I saw that not every action in my life had always been loving, nor every occasion honest. However something within me reminded me that to condemn myself for my own shortcomings would be to compound the original error, not only that but to forgive myself meant that I would (have to!) be able to forgive others for the same error. The most important quality of pure human love is forgiveness. To believe I was not worthy of forgiveness myself would also be to turn away from the inner light of hope.

Moving deeper I found such freedom within the Self. If I was prepared to challenge and release fear, then I could know love and life unbounded. So I questioned every fear, every guilt, every pain and every single concept of self that I had allowed others to define. Rarely had I knowingly used fear and guilt as weapons against others, and at once I refused to accept them – from others, for others and within me. I realised that suffering from fear and guilt were dependent on the denial (and/or forgetting) of the goodness of one’s own Self. They were alien to the truth, peace, the real inner Self, the source and being of love.

I wished everyone freedom in my thoughts, as I wished to be free, and my whole being quickened with its release.

As I saw the truth that we actually live constantly in the present, and our identity exists most fundamentally as consciousness, it became clear the only pain from the past that could hold me was a past imagined without love. And so I looked at every significant aspect of my ‘past’ to find the love there. If I could not find it from others, I reparented and projected it ‘back’ to myself. The hurt child within was only too happy to receive it. Immediately I would feel a release, bringing more of myself into the freedom of the present. Again I witnessed the power of love and thought; neither could be held by time or space. Indeed there was more and more evidence in my mind that thought and love (or its absence) were the creators of experience.

Every thought that sanctified the power of love liberated more of my inner self. My consciousness and life-force expanded. The tight knots of doubt and fear unravelled in my being. I became aware of unresolved conflicts that had been stored faithfully, unconsciously, in my body. Throughout my life, I'd often seen a connection between any bodily sickness and a disease in my soul.

In the liberated soul, fear has no authority over love.

As the weeks of inner searching went on I began to draw in thoughts of such grace that I knew I'd found ‘the way’ to a final liberation. (I had no inclination that my own inner path might have been considered at all 'spiritual' in nature.)

For the moment, I shan't go on too much further, for the introduction alone could fill several books. In rapid succession there came many insights into spiritual ‘truths’ or ‘laws’, although the word ‘law’ implies force or restraint. The higher spiritual laws are unyielding, but instead of binding, they enshrine free will, growth and equal opportunity above all. They are difficult to explain because they are interdependent on one another. Suffice to say: to be free, one has to take total responsibility within the inner domain, and think for oneself. At a level most subtle and profound, thought creates experience. Therefore one can challenge any thought which limits any aspect of self...

And so, in brief, the introductory stage to the ‘peak experience’ was very deliberate, very conscious, sustained, ever lighter; ever more revelatory.

Over several weeks I felt my true Self awakening. Every new insight liberated long forgotten aspects of my consciousness. I felt myself returning to every potential I'd been born with. Time became something which only existed in the outer world. My inner world was free, and loving thoughts lead my spirit unbound. Almost every moment was filled with a beautiful unity of revelations. I immediately applied each to my Self, expanding my consciousness into incredible realms of freedom, light and joy.

Over the many weeks of contemplation there were significant changes in my perception of myself. As I expanded further, I began to question my remaining identification with the physical body. I had never accepted a mirror could reflect my whole being – at best it reflected a tiny snapshot of a self locked in time. But by this point the body seemed to be almost an irrelevancy. It could not represent who I was. It provided some focus for the mind to know itself in physical reality. But more than this, it would appear to others simply as a mirror for their own expectations, dreams and prejudices.

My spirit was absorbed in love, and the power of the liberated mind to create a reality of its presence unbound. It was absolutely clear that everyone was much, much more than what they had been taught. Most adults appeared asleep – to 99.9% of their own beauty, power, and being. The physical was just a disguise for the true Self.

Ever more apparently, love and thought were the most powerful forces, neither bound by the physical. Love was present as consciousness being and extending itself. As I projected my thoughts with love into consciousness, it became possible to know things far beyond my familiar physical experience. The answers came from deep in the Self, the quiet space all my schooling had taught me to ignore. I remembered that the true teacher was within. I had known it as a child, but the forgetting of my teenage years had been very deep indeed.

There were many insights into the deeper nature of life and the field of love within it all. Each insight and wave of energy guided me according to even deeper principles, into realization of my own freedom and destiny. Knowing my primary identity as consciousness, I began to experience many different layers of being.

Deep within every human love, there is a spirit of perfect love inspiring all life.

Along the way I had more and more vivid sleeping dreams and waking visions. Some were obviously symbols and reflections of my own experiences and deeper yearning. Many others seemed to have little relevance, and while fantastic, served only as distractions. Each time I affirmed "No, I know the mind can create all manner of images and phenomenal experience. I do not want mere symbols. I only want to know the truth, who I truly am beyond fear, and what love truly is. I will only explore the realm of thought."

Somewhere around this point it became clear that my thoughts were creating my reality absolutely. All I wanted was the truth - and with it being within - nothing external could hold me back any longer. It was a simple matter of calling falsity and distortion - fear - into the light of loving awareness. No guilt from the past or fear for the future distracted my thoughts from the potential of the present. Every fear was yielding before my focused will to know the truth.

A new energy propelled me forward and inward, for by now it was completely self-sustaining and exponential. I could see clearly that a meeting with the ultimate Truth (truth=liberating principle of life) was inevitable in the near future. Every experience of my life had guided me there. Not only that, but the ultimate truth was fully alive in itself, and it was drawing me in deliberately. It was calling every conscious being to share in its freedom, its joy, and its love of the totality of life. I could not resist because it was so obviously everything I wanted.

There remained nothing in the external world that could capture my attention – because the perfect purest essence of everything I desired called from within. The truth sustained me. It had already liberated me from all the suffering of my life, but it was clear to know still higher truths would be to go beyond every (human) limitation.

For two weeks I was drawn inwards and upwards in a whirlpool of ever-expanding understanding. At the center of the unrelenting search within, there would be an indivisible principle which could liberate my being utterly; a single transcendent truth. I understood one truth lived as a central principal of life; one truth that did not change. This one truth applied to everything. One, around which everything else revolved. I longed for it and I became aware it of its longing for me.

Anything I wished to know in the name of love was revealed to my mind, but it was love’s nature itself that always drew me on. At a certain level in my expanding consciousness I was aware of the ‘reality’ of past lives. I saw they existed within the greater Self (as did so many other dimensions of life I had forgotten in my humanness). But in a broader sense the ‘lives’ were not really past. From the center of expanded consciousness, time is no longer linear. All lives were happening simultaneously. There was a clear opportunity to look into other lives, and I knew in the looking that a love from the ‘present’ lifetime might be explained in more detail. But my spirit knew that whatever had happened in the ‘past’, it was still only the outer fringes of the greater consciousness within. I didn't want to muddle my journey distracted by mere details of other lives. All I wanted to know was the essence of what these other lives had learned about love.

A thought within assured me that deeper within the soul's consciousness was the collective knowing of all previous loves, and my intent would be enough to take me there. And deeper still, at the centre of all lives was the one great love inspiring all. It was this that beckoned me ever on. And so I passed individual details over.

Some final Truths dawned in days that were timeless, until every desire melted into one.

I must know this unseen ultimate truth. It's more real and beautiful than anything else.

There was one last door, and I knew it was the last. There was only one fear left; untouched, unknown. Up to then I'd always avoided it. Never before had I the necessary courage and understanding to face it. But this one fear appeared collectively in every person I'd ever known.

The last threshold of fear was dying.

There progress stopped. Ahead remained that greatest of mysteries to consider. Death: the one challenge I knew as a child I must eventually face. Death: the enigma that called the whole purpose of being human into question.

But in that moment I stopped to look back. I looked with awe to how my consciousness had grown in the last weeks of inner journeying. Beside me, inside me, stood that unseen force of love and the singular will to know the truth beyond all fear. With reverence, I reflected on how the will to love; the will to know my whole self beyond fear had served my growth so truly. I had come so far, so very far beyond anyone I had ever known in my lifetime. My being felt cradled by a beautiful array of interlocking truths – living principles of life consciously willing my growth and freedom.

Another of the gentlest inner thoughts added "Don't stop. Honor your human brothers and sisters. You can face what so many do not yet have the courage or ability to face. Walk with love beyond fear's domain. Don't allow your intent to know love to be limited by any further human ignorance. Face your fear of death squarely; with love and pure commitment to know the truth, and it will fall. You are in the perfect position to know the entire mystery of the human experience."

That was enough. It was time to move on. Although I had once honored others' fearful and limited beliefs out of love for them, I could not allow fear or doubt to hold my spirit in ignorance and suffering any longer.

In my mind then, I refused to accept that death could stop love. With loving thoughts as my guide, I began to question death itself.

A flurry of thoughts spun in my mind. It was exciting to be thinking about death and where my understanding could take me.

Death.. What is it?

I don't know. That is clear. But if death is final, if it's an oblivion of consciousness, then how can there can be any possibility to know it? And then what sense would it make to fear what I cannot experience?

But the Self is consciousness, and consciousness can only explore itself; life. So if death is an oblivion of Self, there can be nothing fearful in it, only approaching it. So there can only be fear of dying - not in death itself. But so few people can even face the idea of death without fear!

Out of everyone I have known, I see now. This is my purpose. I've faced my fears one by one, and they've all fallen before the will to love. All of them have hidden a gem of truth.

I am not afraid now. I am ready. I shall not turn away from death. I want to know what truth it hides, behind its veil of fear.

So what is death? Always some mystery in the future. I know there is nothing to fear in the present, for love is always found in the present, therefore there’s nothing to fear in dying - if one could be present. Just another experience of love.

There can be no death. One can only know the process of dying.

What is dying to humanity, really? It’s fear itself! It’s the one fear humanity has to face. It's the last fear I have held unconsciously.

Could one approach the experience of dying without fear?

Yes! With love. There are always these two choices.

So what happens if one approached dying purely with the will to know love? What would it mean to take only love into that experience?

“If fear has no power over love, then neither can dying. How could it? I can't fear death. Fear is death. There is no separation. To fear is to die by degree! Just as to love is to live! At the most profound level death and fear are the same! “

Again.. here I choose to honor how I was created. I choose to love.

I saw a further connection..

“Fear relies for its existence on the idea of time, just as fear of death relies on our identification with the physical self. Neither time nor fear are wholly true and real. The greatest part of us exists so far beyond these. Time and space are just dimensions of consciousness! Love IS forever. “

”Death only has a reality to a self that accepts itself limited by time and space. It’s only real to the physical Self. Whatever occurs physically at death, to a consciousness centered in the present, it would be just another experience. Love and thought are clearly not bound by the physical. They are qualities of consciousness. Consciousness just IS. Therefore all the true self survives death! So if nothing real dies, what happens? “

My heart skipped a beat in its consideration of the reality: “Contrary to many human expectations, something wonderful must happen! Any of the Self’s identification with the physical must be proven false; at death fear must yield before an unlimited reality of love!”

“Beyond all fear, beyond fear of death must be the one unchanging principal of life. As with meeting the challenge of any fear, consciousness must grow by moving into it. But as fear of death is so universal, to go beyond this fear must be an enormous expansion of consciousness.”

“So fear is nothing. All along it's been just a teacher, a motivator! Bless you fear, and all you have taught me! Fear of death is the last great teacher, prompting growth within the human experience. ‘Dying’ must be a release to greater life! This earth life wasn’t the real life after all!“

And so..

“I am not afraid of dying. I will not fear fear any more. I cannot. I understand its purpose. I love fear. I understand it makes us essentially human. It separates us from the source of all love. But now I will to see beyond fear's final veil. I accept the reality of life, of the unlimited love that must be beyond the physical. Now I will to know life, to know love beyond the idea of death! I will to know the whole truth beyond doubt! Love, my unlimited teacher, take me beyond this final ignorance - the fear of death. I give my being to know the true nature of life – beyond fear, beyond ignorance, beyond death, beyond the ultimate human limitation.”

And so, according to the power of an unseen grace, I found it within me to understand and love fear. And I was free.

Deliverance into boundless Light

As though it had won its last great race, my mind had spent itself. All barriers had fallen away in the singular will for the truth. No further question arose.

And my spirit moved on.

Beyond thought, I could sense every opposite, every duality of mind coalescing into a single rising force of consciousness. As though the last cloak of constraint had been lifted, my being finally stood wholly fearless; wholly open. ‘I’ was released to the subtlest caress of consciousness; pure living, knowing essence. Beyond mind’s domain, life danced wholly as ever-presence. Life, pure consciousness, was a beautiful dynamic whole, existing everywhere simultaneously.

Unblinking, my eyes sparkled perfectly clear. The whole of Human Being danced the world over; as one, not limited by my physical body. In this awareness everything was worthy of love. Within and without there was no difference. Everything human was simply an opportunity to love.

But the source of all love lay still deeper; greater; beyond everything I could imagine myself to be. And it called my spirit on.

I was engulfed by an ocean of indescribable peace, and within its deeper knowing melted every yearning. Until at the the center of the ocean, the promise of an even greater truth began welling up within my soul, something that would answer and eclipse every human desire.

From this very center of my being, a wave of pure consciousness began expanding out in every direction simultaneously, unstoppable. Every unconscious depth was restored in this single wave of awakening; an ever-growing wave that took everything with it.

Until my spirit was cradled by absolute peace and the certainty of even more. Soaring at the top in pure loving will, my individual consciousness was lifted ever higher, far above the realm of what the human mind can comprehend.

Just a breath ahead, waiting in pristine composure, my spirit sensed the imminent company of the All. Within came the words, “(Such as knowledge is,) knowledge has served its purpose. (Such as time is) this is your time. Only Love Is.”

In this (horizon) limitless quietness, time and space acquiesced; the final veil of physical vision just fell away.

All at once pure consciousness exploded perfection beyond every conceivable frontier. Shining before my inner eye, every hearts’ prayer was answered, every hope made manifest. The love of all eternity dawned as One Perfect Light.

One Light shone in answer to every yearning. One Light shone as pure consciousness; pure life. One Light; unmistakable, indivisible. One eternal living truth. One Light shining with the impossible poise of gentleness, kindness and strength; knowing all; forgiving all; loving all; the manifestation of impossible, unthinkable grace.

Many brilliant rays, each inexpressibly beautiful, reached out from a single source. This symphony of living rays shone with untaintable clarity, out through dark emptiness unto infinity.

Nothing opposed the Light. Nothing could divide it. In itself all-being, amongst its rays all-knowing, and in its warmth all-loving.

The one light gave all, sustained all, and embraced all. This Light could never falter; this Being sees all our humanity and cannot doubt its worth. It was unquestionably eternal, and in its wondrous rays I knew the soul-self wholly beyond death. It was inconceivably beautiful, far beyond compare, one wholly inclusive Being of Life. In it was the perfect realization of everything I had ever wanted.

In the most exquisite embrace, the great rays reached towards to my soul with utter compassion and understanding. These great rays had always reached to me, but with no more fear of love in me - of who I was - I could see clearly. Before the great light every facet of my humanness was blessed; every uniqueness in my being was cherished; every previously imagined 'flaw' loved without even the possibility of reservation. In the light was the complete relationship I had always sought to realise on earth.

Liberation.

At last I was fully alive. Beyond all doubt, my being was wholly light. My soul was filled with its radiance. There was the absolute certainty and the bliss of knowing: the true nature of Self is absolute freedom - forever. At every level of consciousness my being was awake and fully aware. In reality there was nothing to fear. There was no death – not for who I truly was and not for who anyone truly was. There was only the shedding of a human skin and birth into greater life. Every human experience was just a shadowy dream before the fully awakened reality of the light. How long I had slept through earthly nights before journey’s end! At last I was there. That was all that mattered. Here was the purpose and meaning of human life – to return to this glory; to this knowing, to this being of life in its totality.

Exaltation.

Such as no physical light, the rays of light reached out infinitely; forever. So great, nothing within the physical universe could contain it; could even conceive it fully. The light waited always at the edge – asking nothing but live forever and grow in the love that One is All.

Here shone the source and being of All-That-Is. Here shone the gentle spirit of life..unlimited..light..blessing.. understanding..All-That-Is. At the center of every human longing I had always been seeking it - a secret only to myself. Within the light’s rays was the perfect essence of every beauty I had ever seen (or would see), every joy I had ever felt, every love I had known, and every life I had lived. And there it was. Perfection unfolding forever : all real and all inclusive; all in the vision of the light itself.

I was held by the light; the consummate embrace of ten thousand lifetimes. It had filled my mind; shared its vision; exalted my spirit.

But then a ray reached to my human heart.

Rapture.

So beautiful, tears of the purest joy plunged down my cheeks. I was held in this love - so powerful my physical heart stopped - and love exploded into eternity within me, through me, into everything I was, am, and could ever be...and out, out in one cosmic blessing of love, forgiveness and gratitude to all I had ever known.

Every boundary exploded into the heart, joy, and being of the infinite.

One Love - in All, for All. Forever...

Love supreme pulsed gently within this one unified heart, until, after some breaths with eternity there was some consciousness of myself again as an individual entity, looking to the light.

The perfect light still shone there in its timeless peace. But no longer did it only shine in my vision. When the light reached my human heart it had transformed every aspect of my being.

I realised I had died to everything I had been on Earth. How beautiful it was!

The stunning rays shone then with even greater reach, for there remained nothing in my being to resist. I had given everything to it. The light shone in my vision; now acknowledging itself in my being, and my being in it. The communication, the appreciation of love was perfect. Nothing remained between us, nothing but perfect love; perfect understanding. The great rays played about my being; sparkling in our shared knowing. To see the light now was to know that it had always stood at the center of who I was. Everything real within me was born from its love. All my longing was fulfilled within the Light – within this unlimited, eternal Self.

The ultimate beautiful meaning of life had been revealed in the great radiance of conscious light. My being was whole; everything was complete. My spirit danced and shone with the light. I was vibrantly alive; every aspect of consciousness liberated.

Life review

Subsequently I was reminded I had just completed a human life, and this is what I was shown.

It was my pure intent to love; my will to follow my own freedom and joy, and the final relentless pursuit of truth that had released me from the human journey so quickly. Every time I trusted my loving intuition in the face of other's lack of inner vision had been a call from the sacred. So many on earth were so far from this peace and this freedom. The light within always sought to guide us. How strong was it's call to witness love, truth, freedom, joy, and peace - to share the Self with others. How easy it would have been to turn aside for another life and lose myself in the maelstrom of distorted and tired ideas going round after round on earth. Within the truth of love eternal, how blessed and inevitable the release of death would come to the soul who lost their way on earth.

By now every conceivable piece of guilt, fear, sorrow, regret, and pain within my being had ceased to exist. Everything not of love had only been a misunderstanding, a distortion of the truth, an illusion in time, an impossibility in the living reality of light. In the full light of truth everything I had done, been, felt, even every thought was blessed and received with love.

No misperception was possible in the light. I was shown I had played my part on Earth perfectly. According to the higher wisdom there were no mistakes. I was surprised to see that even what I had considered mistakes were equally worthy of love! Every ‘mistake’ I'd made, every choice that brought suffering upon myself had eventually prompted learning, and that greater awareness led later to the light. ‘Mistakes’ were just one way of learning and growing – perhaps unconsciously and painfully, and the most fashionable human way ;), but still blessed. The understanding, compassion and love from the light was total. Wrongdoing was inconceivable to it. Its vision was complete throughout eternity.

But my will to love, my intention to manifest my heart’s reality on Earth had been enough. It was so far from being a mistake. Rarely had I seen it received or reflected, but far higher powers and greater hearts had witnessed it all. How utterly practical was the pure intent to love in the realm of the eternal. Every thought and action coming from the greater love served and extended the whole of life. Unconditional love was clearly the highest expression of life. The love I had felt for others was an extension of all of life’s love for me. In that, my will was supported by some of the highest essences of life itself. Before the light I was a being of love, an eternal child of life, one who had sought to know it on earth. I was blessed for the courage attempting to share it there.

I was distantly aware that tears of joy and profound gratitude were plunging down human cheeks. How fortunate I felt my soul was to know something of what it meant to be human. I was so proud and grateful to have walked a little while amongst all my beloved brothers and sisters in human form, and so fortunate to bring some of that human experience back to the light. Ultimately, love’s will had brought my soul back home - to the light. And in the light my being was free to fly above the human schoolroom.

Looking to humanity

My attention was drawn collectively to everyone I had known. No particular person came to my mind. It was clear no individual I had known was ready to consciously share in the deeper knowledge of the lighted soul.

It had been well to release all the souls I had loved. I was shown they all would grow in their own self-knowing; their own freedom. But everyone I had known had chosen different paths to mine. Each would offer very different gifts to the world. All were safe and guided by their own unique and innate bond to the divine. I thanked the souls with whom I had shared the world. I thanked them for their being; every gift of genuine presence in my Earth life. I thanked them for watching over the boy child and my soul’s growth as far as they could. I had been protected and supported up to the beginning of the pathway of the illumined spirit. But no-one, not one I had known had been able to understand and walk with me any further. Within their souls, in the silence of their unrealized dreams, I heard them bless and urge me on.

From the light I looked to humanity as a group of beings, and with it came the clear awareness: All, every single soul is blessed - as much as they can receive or dare to remember - and all will remember. Every soul can and will know this love, see this light - when the heart calls them home - at their perfect time. And ultimately every great hope, every beautiful dream would be manifest in the fullness of time – with the dawning of the light within each one on Earth.

It was clear that wrongdoing by any soul was impossible - only my vision had not been perfect. In eternity - in reality - the balance is perfect – every thought - every action. The higher order was vast, just, and without flaw. It willed for all life’s growth and encouraged creativity at every level. Everything was ultimately forgiven, but every being would come to know the effects of their actions, as an integral part of their growth. New souls, being largely unaware and insensitive of the effects of their actions on others, might have a long, long journey in the human realm (as they also willed). But every soul, however bright, was still worthy of love. The Light honored every soul’s courage to go beyond itself in the name of forever. The Light knew the potential of each and held a vision of the magnificent beings each would ultimately become. Free will was an integral part of the Universe’s expansion. Each soul would grow into becoming a conscious creator in itself, expanding life further into infinity, expanding the core of conscious light – until everything was light.

Until the soul’s growth was complete on Earth, ‘death’ would be vital and essential to the human journey. It was a vital homecoming to the greater life. Hidden behind humanity's great fear, ignorance and denial of death lay so much of its own deeper meaning, its own beautiful potential, its own glorious destiny. Although many were lost and afraid in their human forgetting, each soul chose its own return to the light. If only people were not afraid. If only everyone knew the reality of their eternal life! Dying could be such an elegant part of life. To die truly was to live without limits!

No one could ever really be separate from the light – and yet most had forgotten it in their essential humanness. How marvelously the Light is hidden within our very humanness! The last place so many people looked for perfect love was within the Self, beyond their own fears and doubts about themselves. No wonder it was easy for souls to chalk up so many experiences and lifetimes in the human realm.

If only people knew that every human desire contained within it the seed of divine desire. If only they knew every human act could be an expression of love. If only people realised love was indeed the most powerful, creative and gentle force in the Universe. If only they knew how completely they were loved in their human frailty - just for the courage required to be fully human. With certain knowledge of their worth, each could grow by challenging the temporal nature of fear and guilt, following their highest joy, giving of their love, extending the truth.

Humanity could grow swiftly and ever so sweetly. There didn’t have to be suffering. But most people did not question the mass beliefs. Most people accepted ill-fitting costumes and lived lives that others defined for them. In that refusal to live their own unique lives, they were keeping themselves in prison. The only guilt was their failure to honour themselves – and even that was their own creation – a choice – a misperception! So many beautiful souls were lost in fear and self-doubt. So few trusted the greater scheme of life. If only people could see the perfection that requires every individual to reach their own potential. If only they could accept that their very uniqueness was an essential and perfect compliment to the great light itself. If only they knew how much their uniqueness was cherished, loved unspeakably. If only they knew how strongly love would respond to their willingness to lay aside their defenses!

Again I was reminded that love can never be forced upon another soul. Humanity must have free will; lest a whole universe of creativity be lost. But how often people used free will to turn away from love and their own joy! So many people on earth were learning so slowly, through suffering! Growth is inevitable either way, though humanity always has the choice to learn through suffering or joy. So often suffering was a decision to be unconscious, to push away part of the Self, to ignore each soul's unique purpose and deepest obligation to fulfill itself. In a tragic but necessary sense, suffering could ultimately serve some souls - bringing light into the issue of personal responsibility for actions and (ultimately) thoughts themselves. Pain could ultimately lead to understanding of their own creative power and consequently transmuted. In the greater scheme of things, the mistakes, the hurts, and the suffering were all blessed as birth pains into a much, much greater life.

Each soul always held the keys to their ultimate freedom and awakening within them. Even so, many had forgotten this sacred truth and become lost. With gratitude I saw how the light responded to the call of the human heart. Throughout the ages great souls had come from the light to Earth to help humanity awaken. Again and again they had come to remind humanity of their intrinsic worth, innate freedom and potential. These souls would continue to come until the remembering on earth was complete. They came to give the gifts of their being, their knowledge and their love, wherever they could be received. But rarely did any of these advanced souls stay long in the human realm.

The human experience was enormously valuable to the growth of the soul, but only up to a certain point. After thorough exploration and learning of the comprehensive challenge of being human, each would ultimately challenge all the illusionary limitations of the physical, until the constant inspiration of love would be the only guide to being. On Earth I had seen much resistance to love! But I was shown the Earth was a temporary playground, one small schoolroom for life to evolve, where love had gone beyond and ultimately could rediscover itself. In the Light there were much grander spheres of consciousness, of life, of pure being - where love is all that is – cause, being and purpose.

Throughout my human life, there had sometimes been vivid connections with these realms of love and the wondrous beings there. In beautiful dream-journeys I had been able to return. There was never any resistance to my soul’s loving there, nor could I ever resist the exquisite embraces of those there. The most beautiful 'dreams' had been living messages from my true home!

Suddenly I was overcome with longing to return; to be there again in form; to be amongst my real brothers and sisters honouring their own direct connection to the light; those honoring love in all its forms. Tears of joy and gratitude poured down my cheeks. There was a reality where love was shared perfectly, where no-one resisted others' acknowledgement of their own innate perfection, for all knew the same source of eternal light. I sensed beautiful worlds where souls had reached the same realization of the Light within, and lived according to the knowing that there was nothing within them that needed to be hidden in darkness, that everything was simply an opportunity to love.

Satisfied humanity’s path was exquisitely beautiful before the light; I turned my focus to the rays once more. I was filled with gratitude and wonder at the perfection of it all. The great plan guaranteed eternal life, sanctified free will, while still growth and joy were inevitable for every one. Every human institution seemed meaningless before such perfection. There was only freedom in the light; freedom to create, freedom to love, freedom to be throughout the Universe.

Looking to other life

Before my vision, the light was undeniably the source of the physical Universe.

Life went ever-on. I saw it could take a myriad of forms in time, but the real essence of life never began and it never ends. Time and space were simply consciousness going beyond itself, an illusion, a wave breaking within the eternal reality of oneness. The rays of light streaming into the void were at once the whole inspiration of physical creation and its nourishment.

In the great rays nothing separated my being from any other thing. The light lived within everything, as it did within me. The light created galaxies, worlds, and all manner of conscious beings. These were no effort for it – simply an extension of itself, of life’s boundless love for itself. There was a spirit of oneness within all things – a boundless mutuality & understanding, a sense of love, deepest respect, unconditional wellbeing - and peace: peace that is quite impossible to describe in human terms. At this level of being it was quite impossible for anything to be harmed; just as it was impossible for there to be any (misunderstanding and) intention to harm. Loving, creative and incredibly aware purpose nurtured the best in each and all.

With pure love it was clearly possible to extend the awareness to any other life. It was possible to partake and learn of another’s reality; to experience their being. With the light I looked to the spirit of the Earth; at once I felt its incredible love for all the forms it nurtured. I looked to the animal, plant, and mineral kingdoms. It was clear that all form had its own consciousness; its own life. Even rock and stone had their own consciousness, although far from how humans perceive themselves.

If only more people knew how to listen to what they have to say! I thought. (Of course in less materialistic societies some have and do, I remembered.)

Highly evolved life on other planets existed too, and I saw they too honored this light. All life honored the light, consciously or unconsciously. The more beings consciously honouring the reality of the greater oneness and the interconnectedness of all things, the more joy, love and prosperity there would be. The loving truth, ever the master, the guide, the healer of my own higher being, was truly quiet lord within All-That-Is.

All was well. Satisfied that the physical Universe was an ongoing act of absolute love, I didn’t look any further into the details. My being was completely alive and filled with gladness. Knowing the Self as pure consciousness; projecting love and thought together would be my passport to a free Universe.

Observing the Light

Looking forward again, the light was still before me. My soul’s vision was completely clear; there was no trace of the heaviness or straining to see (unconsciousness) of physical sight. My being was pure consciousness; shining, knowing, seeing in every direction at once. Nothing was hidden. Before the one eternal light, the whole of life lay open in its magnificence.

I marveled at the flawless beauty of the rays of light, completely incapable of thought. My mind rested in the profound gentleness of the great rays, and for a while only pure wonder and gratitude streamed from my being.

Each ray shone from the source – into my vision certainly, all over my consciousness, but also streamed beyond me into infinity. The great rays reached out through a black oblivion with perfect consistency. And yet the void did not oppose the light. The void could not be separate from the light, for its purpose was clearly that the light might extend into it, that life may go beyond itself in the name of forever. The absolute nature of life was oneness – and that was held in the entirety of all the light’s rays. The light in the void was the primal seed of life in the physical Universe.

The rays were not earthly, but all-knowing, all-living light. There was no distortion possible in its rays. No language can describe the colors; perhaps a cognizant white, somehow including all colors; many yet to be seen on earth. The light was not physical, but it was much more real…because it was so unmistakably forever. Nothing physical could ever contain its totality, could honour its never-ending being.

Many rays shone, each so unique, so incredibly beautiful, so loving, and so life giving. I could have marvelled at a single ray happily for ten-thousand years. But before me there were so many, and each called me with its own beauty and brilliance. Each ray blessed a fundamental aspect of creation. It was impossible to take it all in, to know it completely, without entering it further; letting it enter every level of one’s being. And yet it was exquisite just to look towards the light as an individual soul. I felt the immense value to all, to be an individual soul, able to appreciate the light from ‘outside’. The light itself could not be as great and know itself as completely without the separation. And each individual could not know itself completely – and its true eternal nature - without the return to the oneness of the light. Every individual soul craved this return to the source of all love.

And so the creation process was perfect. Life had to go beyond itself in order to grow into even fuller expression. The only way the Infinite could truly grow was to somehow go beyond knowledge of itself. But as infinity’s nature is oneness; all-inclusiveness, the only way to go beyond consciousness (and being) of itself was to forget within itself. The intention to forget within itself was the origin of darkness and all the dimensions of unconsciousness. As All-being continuously gave everything of itself, it expanded beyond the knowing of itself - into the void as self-determining individuals. Individual souls with free will - each and every human being - held the light of divinity within them. Not separate at all, but within humanity's own unconsciousness lies the forgotten one – the perfect Light hidden deep within. Each ‘individual’ consciousness would collect all manner of unique experiences, before becoming fully self-aware and re-discovering the light within, to return to the Oneness with the benefit of those experiences.

Love itself was the common bond all of creation and each being would ultimately be called back by the love of the whole. Returning to the source and the All, each individual being expanded the one central light, before bursting out again with the will to grow, create, and honor new love in the relationship of all it's forms. This was the great cosmic pulse of creation.

In the holographic universe, even the forgetting of the whole, the forgetting of the divinity within was simultaneously an essential act of creation at the very fringes of All-That-Is.

Again tears of joy plunged down my face. Creation was so incredibly beautiful. Every single soul was a vital and holy part of it – without even having to understand the process. And yet to see and know the wonder of creation was to be blessed indeed.

Again my attention was drawn from the beauty of one great ray to another. As my focus shifted from one to another the overall effect was one complete brilliance, sparkling with the reality of all-being, all-knowing, all-loving. The One. The light. The eternal, infinite jewel of all life and all living.

Into the Light

I was drawn into the light, being completely transformed in its beauty. Ever closer I was drawn in the longing to go deeper into the light. It was all that mattered; only that this beauty should exist for everyone, forever. And it does (more tears). My small earth life - everything that had attempted to define my identity to that point - was as nothing before the reality of this eternal beauty. There was nothing I would not give to the light, nothing my soul would not do to honour it. And there appeared nothing real or substantial to my soul remaining in my former earth life. There was no relationship where my soul’s knowledge or love could be truly shared. My soul was ready to go beyond the earth sphere; to unfold into ever greater dimensions of consciousness, uplifted purely by love, never again to doubt its perfection as part of the whole.

And so, giving one more blessing to those I had known, I focused wholly ahead into the great light. Nothing from the past remained before my longing for the eternal. Utterly enraptured by it, my being moved on into the focused core of great rays. I moved on quickly as a soul, deeper into the rays until I could no longer see any of the mysterious void. There were only great rays of light streaming all around and beyond my being, going far behind to bless the dimensions of life remaining there; to the conscious life growing at the cutting edge of physical creation.

According to my own will, my spirit was drawn deeper into the lighted glory of the One, until I became aware of a very clear choice. Ahead, the pure bliss of all creation sang in the Light. There were no reservations about gently and lovingly laying aside my physical body - for it had truly served its purpose.

Except this; to go on further into the Light would be to go beyond doubt - forever - and beyond being human. It would be the end of wearing costumes, the end of every last pretense, the end of not knowing, the end of hiding anything from the Source of all love, the end of playing with the idea of ‘mistakes’. It would be the end of exploring the human world. Beyond this point, I knew there could be no turning back.

In a vision then, I saw my physical shell fall away. It would appear to someone on earth that a young man, one with eyes yet full of promise, had suddenly died. Furthermore, I saw the effects of this on those who remained. To those unable to see the deeper meaning, the higher love calling, and the soul’s waking choice to respond – there would be shock; grief. But even that would serve their own soul’s growth, their human questioning & learning.

‘Beautiful ones, remember the physical is just a shell’, I heard myself calling from the spirit world…’ One body just cannot contain the glory of the soul's light.’ ‘If you could only know the reality of our eternal life, all your tears would be for joy.’

The value of humanness

And so for one last time my attention was drawn back to humankind. But this time the eternal flame was burning brightly within my being, and a boundless love held my earthly hand. Looking from the light, from beyond the earth sphere, I looked back to the world.

Does anything remain as valuable or interesting to my soul in humanness?

Mistakes! There was still incredible beauty to be discovered in mistakes! To be human was to be fallible - able to make mistakes! One could think something; create; without seeing it manifest. One could do things, without seeing all the effects. The lack of complete awareness allowed for dramas and experiences not possible in the greater fullness of Light. One could feel the rush of new experiences and be exposed to a great variety of tempestuous creations. This reckless excitement and unpredictability of the human world still held some appeal to my spirit.

(But at the same time I did not want to get too ensnared in the depths of human forgetting. It would still be important to remember and honour the reality of light there).

Only without the simultaneous awareness of cause and effect, was it possible to conceive of error in humanness. The perception of error could be painful, and it was often projected and multiplied within humanness with the illusions of blame and guilt, but every pain could be dispelled with the grace and beauty of forgiveness. The one great purpose of human life – forgiveness. The whole divine purpose of human relationship was to accept forgiveness and give love - give the true Self. To forgive, to love, to see the beauty in another was to offer the light to them, even in their forgetting. How incredibly beautiful! How magical to remember the light and extend it within the darkness! How beautiful to offer another the truth, to remind them of their true innocence, their infinite worth in themselves!

A network of light was growing between human hearts, until forgiveness will be complete on earth. Consciousness will be lifted, and the great crystal core of light will expand to include the human world.

It was then that I saw that already so much of human relationship was incredibly beautiful. I saw so many forms of love; and the striving for love. There was only this from the perspective of the light. How beautiful it all was, how widespread it was. I saw so many different earthly forms love could take that I had never seen in one lifetime. I saw and felt the pure essence of love of mother for child, of child for parents, between brother and sister, between friends and strangers. I saw the magnificent sacrifice of one human life to demonstrate a higher love. I saw incredibly visionary and far-reaching love manifested on Earth in the forgiveness of ‘the unforgivable act'. I saw the beauty, grace and nobility in it all. My heart was filled with so much joy and pride to have known truly what it means to walk amongst my fellow spirits as human beings.

Love was the most powerful force on earth, moving with unseen purpose only to the unaware. It formed a very strong bond within families, but few adults seemed to remember that established bonds of love reach far beyond one lifetime. So few trusted their intuition with ‘strangers’; between nations; so many opportunities to remember greater love were lost. Every human being was one great family before the light. Every individual's earthly love extended the light, served it, and ultimately returned to it.

From the aspect of eternity, the balance, the justice, the mercy and the love of the human experience was all so clear; so perfect; staggeringly, staggeringly beautiful.

Then I was drawn to look to at the love between male and female in human form. Within each was the potential and essence of the other; within each the whole. Yet together, moving within human relationship the memory of the divine light could surface so perfectly, so joyfully. I saw the opportunity for two spirits to meet in physical form, to embrace, to love, and remember the light within every physical aspect their humanness. Through loving presence and the commitment to forgive all, all the illusions and limitations of the physical veil could fall away so gently, so sweetly. There was depthless beauty waiting to be discovered inside each relationship. Divine love could be re-discovered and celebrated in every aspect of human relationship between man and woman.

I had always held to this precious knowing in my human life. But as my soul searched its earthly experience for a fully loving, fully conscious, fully joyous intimate relationship, I could not recall it. My being had not seen its realization within humanness. My vision could barely even conceive it, the potential was so unspeakably beautiful. The essence of this experience was contained in the light, but its realization within humanity was exquisite far beyond my own soul’s comprehension. My soul had still not manifested the whole light within intimate relationship on Earth. This caused me to pause..

As a soul poised between the great light and the human experience, I was given the vision to see the love within so many facets of humanity. Tremendous love bonds individual elements of humanity to each other, but as I turned to look again to the light, I truly understood the connection between humanity and the divine light. Not only did the great light radiate love to each and all, but conscious messengers from the divine light brought this love to Earth.

Love - divinely inspired love - plays for humanity in a harmony so complete, so perfect I could only weep with joy. Angels - conscious beings who only know love - witnesses and servants of the ultimate truth - see only beauty within us all - and are devoted through all time to every soul on Earth. The most profound swell of love swept away every sense of my individual Being. My soul melted into an epic tide of love for all of humanity. So beautiful and complete was this one resonance; this one group's multidimensional commitment of pure love, no sense of my own identity could remain apart from it.

I was shown all my brothers and sisters on Earth, so many souls who had tragically forgotten the light within themselves. There were beings of wondrous love who had deeply forgotten their identity on Earth. They had come as children - bringing pure gifts of love to the earth plane – knowing they would forget their divinity. And yet still they came - in the most staggering act of sacrifice. I was remotely conscious of (my) physical eyes weeping again, as my soul looked in awe to the courage and grace required simply to enter the human realm. I looked to the essence of all the unique souls on Earth. Ever so many had forgotten outright how awesomely beautiful and precious they are - as individuals - to all the rest of life. My soul yearned to remind them. Every soul experiencing humanness was loved beyond description - and the flame that had entered my heart longed to remind them.

Furthermore, I was shown souls on Earth especially close to my soul, even though I had never met them in the flesh. The essence; the love of these souls resonated profoundly with my own, each of us unique but complimentary. There were exquisite beings on Earth; women, children and men whom my soul could only love. We would be able to rise and play together in celestial harmony. These souls were questioning their earthly identity in the name of the love that called them. There were other souls seeking to know love fully within the human experience, as my soul had sought to. In our shared remembering we would be able to manifest our part of heaven’s promise on earth.

I had seen enough. There were souls on Earth committed to remembering the One. And perfect love simply cannot leave lost any soul willing to be free.

I looked to the light again. This time my being addressed it, speaking directly to the supreme light with my mind.

I have seen the power of love has no limits. Love creates all life, honors all life - forever. I know that life honors all pure intent by its own perfect law. So love must respond to this call from within humanity.

How would you have higher love appear to them?

Cannot an Angel simply burst into their reality and show them the light?

In another earth time that would have been appropriate. But would not most people fear it now? Had not I too, in my humanness, feared spirits and any such ‘supernatural’ occurrences? Remember: perfect love cannot manifest where fear will be the result.

The Great Love will always be there. It has always, and will always reach to humanity. But it’s time for those on Earth to recognise the supreme love within themselves. They have to know it within their humanness.

The thought trailed off into silence As you did..

And so it was; an opportunity dawned in my awareness clear and bright. As a soul coming directly from the light, I had a unique opportunity to bring the Light into humanness. There was a unique opportunity for my soul to return to Earth as a human personality.

Teach those ready their true creative power, as your soul knows it.

There was an incredible opportunity to love humanity – to walk fully back into the physical realm – by becoming fallible again myself. “Remind them of their own perfection within human experience – within their imagined fallibility. It’s the only way some of them will remember.”

How shall I find these souls on earth?

Higher powers will remain in the light to guide you. Your heart’s vision will show them to you in the world.

And how would I survive another round in the material world? I don't want to face the same soul-destroying pressure to conform and disown my will to love.

Don't fear. There are those who'll understand that to give to you is to give to the one who sent you, knowing what they give to you, they give to me, and in that they give to themselves many times over.

Will it be hard to find them?

No. Of those drawn to you, some will have enough material resources and spiritual vision to know to support you. You won't have to struggle to survive again. There are those who will want to empower this spirit within you.

But how could one get back to humanness from this?

You don’t have to understand the process. With your will aligned with love's absolute authority here, it can only be so..

There came the knowing that the way back would involve forgetting of the divine truths. And there would be inevitable suffering in that forgetting. The awakened soul could also see that the earthly human personality was not equipped with any structure for holding and spreading the light. Nor did the earthly personality know a single other soul of like aspiration.

But the pure will to love was so strongly established within the humanness.. that alone would be enough to serve the soul’s highest purpose.

Without further hesitation the spirit said "Yes, we'll take that body again, and we'll pick up the pieces of that human personality, we’ll accept the limitation, just so as to return to Earth with this awareness - so that love may be served to its fullest extent.”

This decision was made before the Light; and immediately following, just after the light had faded from vision, a clear voice confirmed "Go back, Phillip. It’s not time for you yet. There will be another time."

Immediately I saw; according to my free will on earth, either I would touch the Light again in physically dying, or earlier in another enlightenment if I chose to follow a spiritual path/an inner life in my humanness.

Next I was aware of swiftly, gently, falling, fading from the vision of a universal spirit of love, and yet still cradled by an exquisite higher power.

My consciousness recognized itself back by a familiar physical body. And gradually I became aware of my human eyes gazing at my notes on the desk in front of me. But my spirit was captured still in the awareness of the unlimited vitality, life and grace pouring into the body. I felt myself on the very edge of ‘optional physicality’, distinctly aware that the body is no limitation to the infinite reality of the loving spirit.

I lifted my head, turned and looked about. Two girls were standing fifteen feet away, staring at me. I looked at them, scarcely able to grasp the scene before my body’s eyes. (The girls stared back, but what they saw I cannot say. Clearly they had witnessed something that had transfixed them.) I looked at them through physical eyes, at their physical bodies, conscious that it was but a fraction of their whole being; their whole magnificence. I was immediately aware that I could know anything about them I wished at that point, if I turned my attention there.

But I didn’t want to know; whatever they had done, and however they might doubt themselves (in their humanness), they were perfect within themselves. They were worthy only of love. That was all that mattered. With that, they were blessed in heart and mind, and they moved slowly away.

And so another journey into humanness had begun.