Perhaps you were invited too..? An invitation was indelibly printed upon a gathering of hearts before time was time. As this heart yearns to soar, I wonder who will join me?  Thoughts of love invite us to dare concepts of the physical, and fly unbound together into the realms of a Greater Self. 

By necessity, all great journeys of the human spirit - yours and mine - are intensely personal. This story is no exception. Yet somewhere along every path, all human ambition loses itself in the soul's yearning for relationship with a greater Self.  And it is there within (the last place my 'adult' self expected to find it). There within, according to the power of grace, each may be touched by that which transcends all limitation - a living, loving, light-filled 'experience' that is truly Universal.

Here I have given my heart and my truth. Now I must ask of you your presence. There is no condition for you to read on, other than your own willingness. There will be no satisfaction in my words for mere intellectual curiosity. In your reading do not force yourself to accept anything that does not feel right to you. In all our searching, learning, remembering, let there be no higher authority beyond the wisdom of personal experience and each good hearts' knowing.

For ten years I felt no inclination even attempting to express this 'experience' in written form, not least because its very nature is ineffable. But I met so few who had the same experience, or even remotely understood, I felt a greater necessity to reach out in hope to the few who might understand - and preserve some of my connection to 'it' in the world.

For a long time even attempting to express it in written form only seemed to limit the experience, and take me further from it. There was also enormous doubt and resistance within my quiet human nature to sharing something so personal, so openly.

I also had to consider a very wise train of thought within established spiritual traditions:

Those that know do not speak. Those that speak do not know.

Whereby it is often said that it is not well to talk about one's individual spiritual experiences, lest anyone fall into the trap of glorifying one individual (or individual experience) over another, rather than the transcendent spirit constantly within (and about) us all. It is my sincere wish that this telling manages to avoid that trap as much as possible. And it should be said that precisely because I haven't (had) the luxury of being part of any established spiritual tradition, that I feel great need to reach and encourage other rare individuals courageously trying to find meaning and purpose chiefly within their own thoughts and experiences.

Secondly I wish to challenge the common distorted perception that this experience is some kind of 'special attainment' - whereby an individual who 'has it' is, or becomes, in some way 'superior' to others.  Any genuine enlightenment puts to rest such fallacies completely, at least in the mind of the individual experiencer.

One sees the equality of all things in eternity.

There is no difference in the potential of each individual. The only difference is the extent that each individual has realised it within themselves. And all will realise it  in their own way - in their own time. 

So where then did the will to write come from? Primarily I wish to reach others who have had the same experience - so they know they are not alone in having this experience - something that has been a struggle for me since.

If there is a message of hope for any others reading this, my heart is indeed gladdened. For while love requires no justification, it does seek opportunities to give of itself. Some things - spiritual blessings - must be given to be kept at all. Some things can be given wholly without loss. I would but remind others of their worth in eternity, such as I can in this limited capacity. While I have often spoken about love, I have met few adults who seem willing to believe in it. It is my hope this written effort will find fresh eyes.

And so this ongoing story is presented in a series of chronological chapters, each representing important points of awareness in my life. Every few months I update it with more detail and, I hope, clarity. The story is already quite long and readers are welcome, indeed encouraged to jump straight to any 'chapter' calling them. I expect the 'peak experience' to be of central importance and there I have concentrated and refined the most detail. Other events 'before and after' the experience are significant to me in how they relate to the peak experience. The details are important only in how well they help place the later 'peak experience' in a human - and therefore accessible context. Readers may (or may not) relate to particular episodes.

Incidentally the 'peak experience' happened in 1992. I was 24 at the time.

Appropriate links are provided below.

As a child - an introduction - Adulthood - a human love - Loss and the search for meaning - The choice for love - The Peak Experience
And on another webpage - an Epilogue and some related recommended reading

Introduction

Was it so long ago that we all were awake to love's unending sweetness?

It flowed freely once. Unbound by form, it sung and swayed everywhere; in the light, on the breeze, amongst the trees, and through the unfettered heart of the child. Until, out of pure boundless awareness - concepts, time, and self gradually took form.

Loving was never something incidental to this child. In the crystal deep of childhood knowing, my soul knew love as the interweaving thread of time and space;  the eternal quality of being. Becoming ever more 'self-aware' (according to the standards of the world. ie. body conscious), exploring love's nature in human form became my soul concern..

* * *

It was an Angel who first taught me how to love. She came, as angels very often do, in the form of a girl. In a single fated day, at seven years of age, my life was changed forever.

On stage the all-too-familiar story of Seven Dwarves had long since failed in capturing my attention. Until that is, one girl stood forward to play Snow White.  In that moment my breath stopped.  I was drawn immediately upright in my seat. Everything I had imagined myself to be was stilled by a greater loving presence. My heart overflowed with pure joy. The girl's part in the story was to play the beautiful one, but her beauty in truth went far beyond any mere role she could play. Beauty was her intrinsic nature. And her gift, her real immeasurable gift was to stand up before others to remind them to be themselves as they were also created.

My heart shone as testament to the splendor - of her, in her, deep within me. A love so consistent, so sure, so true. She awoke my deeper being in a blaze of vibrant joy. Here was a depth of love I had never known.

A quick glance aside revealed my fellows saw neither the great light on stage, nor the obvious transformation within me. There was something extraordinary about this bond. I was astounded that no pair of human eyes (including my own) - could actually see the connection. Between our hearts there was a radiant fabric of love that was very real - more vibrant and alive than anything in the world I had ever known.

And beyond the reality of the present, I could see in our relationship the realization of even higher love. There was something about this love within that gave it a quality transcendent.. divine. It went far, far beyond the physical. It went far beyond the familiar gentle loving presence of wind, trees, family; Self.

As I surrendered to the sweetness of this extraordinary dimension, I became aware that this holy dimension of love could only forgive. This radiant love forgave all, without reservation. The love just could not, would not recognise 'wrong' in her. I looked to the stage, transfixed simultaneously by the beauty in her and the love within me, reaching out in heart and mind:

"All I can do is love you for everything. All I can do is bear witness to your radiance. There is nothing.. nothing I can add to you. All I can do is hold the vision of your purity and your innocence. All I can do is share that with you. I bless you now and forever. May you know your own perfection as I know you."

There was a great urgency in my heart to simply be with her, honour her, reflect her beauty back to her, know her many dimensions, and offer her the chance to release any doubt about her worth (should she even have any). I longed for the chance to explore a relationship of such love.

"Does she even know what a holy gift her human presence is?" I wondered. "Does she already know every dimension of her being is worthy of love? Does she hear enough in her life how beautiful she is?"

"Quite likely, as an Angel, she already knows these things.", I thought. "But what if, in some inconceivable fall from grace, she had somehow forgotten her own perfection? What a terrible, tragic waste if I missed this perfect chance to remind her!"

She had been visiting from another all-girl school, and beyond all the prayers from my heart I did not know how to approach her that day. I had to trust in the unseen power of my pure intent. I could only let her go with the blessing that somehow she would know of her own beauty; the great gifts she had given me.

The rest of the afternoon I was spellbound by this growing miracle of love in human being. To surrender, know and practice more of this transcendent presence in the human realm was clearly my most important mission. All the rest of the day I could not be distracted from the contemplation of this profound new dimension of love. Wave after wave of the most beautiful heavenly visions swept away every human care and concern.

"Blessed be this magical day! This day I have become more real and more alive than ever before. I see how to bring the very sweetness of eternity into humanness. What an incredible gift this angel-girl has given me! Thanks to this one, I have awakened to the never-ending mystery and beauty of love in human form. May this love live forever in the world, within me, and in independent girl-form."

Until that day I had been asleep to the beauty of the feminine; asleep to girl's gentle creative presence; asleep to my own soul's depths. Not any longer.

"Above all", I thought, "I will not - cannot - ever forget this new reality of being."

For hours I lay awake that evening, unwilling to fall asleep to any of the potential that had been awakened within me. It was very, very late before I could allow myself to lapse into the oblivion of sleep.

* * *

The very next day, in the quietness born of the whole heart's certainty, my human purpose became clear. It would be to grow in loving relationships with girls.

As further months went by, it only became more apparent I could learn more of value from them than anything else. All the greatest mystery and beauty of human life would be found in my relationship to them. In the feminine form I saw each soul’s brilliance ever clothed by the softest skin.

How easy it was to see the beautiful light shining within them, when concepts of Self were cast only as crystal possibilities.

Within all - the one. Within one - the all.

The potential of human relationship had suddenly become so obvious to me; I could not imagine that everyone else also saw it. If a girl was open to the possibility of the great dimensions of her own beauty, I found great joy in acknowledging and reflecting as much as I humanly could. My eyes shone in awe at the many brilliant and varied costumes, but the real beauty lay deeper within them, in each ones’ uniqueness and courage to be herself.

School lessons were just so much window dressing; tools to help me explore the outer world. But mostly I saw them as an ideal excuse to be around such wonderful beings. Simply to be in their presence, to bless them with my thoughts, I felt myself experiencing a gift more beautiful than any I could imagine.

Born into a family of boys, I saw about me ample opportunity to practice the masculine qualities of reason, will, courage and action. Community life also fostered these qualities to such an extent in boys that I knew their development would be almost effortless. These qualities were obviously important, but so far from being complete in themselves. To fully understand the human experience I needed to know every human quality; that of both the masculine and feminine.  As a child I carried a very strong ambition to know the complete essence of what it meant to be human. I knew that mission was possible - inevitable - in a single lifetime if I was sincere and didn't allow oneself to become too distracted from my purpose.

In girls I could look upon a host of ethereal qualities; gentleness, intuition, sensitivity, presence, beauty and love. Not only could I practice these vital qualities by being around girls. But here these qualities were manifested before me in unique forms, independent and free of will. Their free will added infinitely to their worth, because it made them breathtaking creators in their own right,  and I saw it allowed the creativity in our relationship to be truly unlimited. In girls I saw colleagues who inspired me constantly: each unique in form and inner design, will, and reflection upon their own experiences. More than anything on this Earth, these wonderful creatures were divinity made manifest in my eyes.

To me it was an opportunity unrivaled in human experience. Each person could explore love, joy and greater wholeness in human relationship with the opposite sex. I could not stop thinking about the possibilities. Not only could I learn the essential feminine qualities from being with girls. But in my confident boyish example they could observe and mirror whatever masculine qualities they desired to realise their own wholeness. In particular I tried to remind girls of the importance of thinking for themselves, believing in their intrinsic beauty, and speaking and acting in faith of their worth. I also tried to convey that their strength was equal that of boys, citing that much of 'strength' is simply focused will.

*  *  *

As a child I sought to share the joy I found in things, and especially the beauty I saw in people. Often I tried to share my vivid inner world with my mother. Normally she would listen in silence. Until one day she said:

“I don’t understand how you can feel so much.”

“Because if I didn’t feel, how could I know love?"

"And if I didn’t know love..”

There was a pause in my struggle to conceive such a reality.

“…I would be as good as dead.”

Only as I finished did I realise the implication of what I had said for her.

Quickly I added: “It’s not that you don’t have the same capacity to feel…”

"...or the same capacity to love", I finished softly.

But I felt I had already said too much. The child's natural instinct to hide nothing can sometimes lead others into their own doubts about themselves. I sensed many adults held onto pain from very distant pasts, something that seemed beyond my capacity to understand. As a child all I knew was the wonder of the present, and in that presence I felt held the certainty of love. It seemed only in that complete mutual presence that we could truly meet another soul. Many adults seemed to have forgotten this. As much as I wanted my family to explore together all that love might be, I knew that I would have to look outside it to truly understand all that love could be on earth. It was to my relationship with girls that I would look.

* * *

As children filled solely with hope and potential, many dream of exploring the great mysteries of human life.

"Countless millions of souls on earth", I reasoned. "Each, like me, without limits beyond those they accept in their minds. Between us our creative potential is unfathomable. Between us we must have mastered all limitation many times over."

I yearned to rise above every human fear and limitation; and ultimately to learn from those who had mastered even the great human enigma of death. But most of all I longed simply to understand love in human form. My heart whispered that everything I truly wanted to know could be found in the unseen grace of loving presence. But I could never know that truly in humanness without the continuous presence of the feminine. I saw that I would thrive only with the presence of girls in my life. So I decided I would honor them completely, beyond what society was teaching me of them, and what it taught of myself. Anything less would be to miss out on so much. Anything else would mean to fail my deeper being and cripple the potential within.

As time went by I could not comprehend why society did not encourage development of both sides of the inner being. Nor could I understand why it placed so much emphasis on the gender of our bodies. (We were ever so much more than the body) But worse than that (and unfathomably ignorant of the destructive consequences to me), were that many elements of society willfully and shamefully kept boys and girls apart. To forbid them being together, sharing with each other, communicating with natural respect, learning from and with each other, so much potential, so much love was denied; wasted. I never understood how anyone in a position of authority could make a decision based on such fear and ignorance of our own deepest and most beautiful nature.

*  *  *

Soon after these early milestones, I was to be exposed to some Christian religious doctrine. It began well. The talk of love was something I related to with tremendous enthusiasm and anticipation. However it wasn't long before there was introduced the notion of intrinsic human imperfection : guilt - and the idea of a conditional forgiveness. These cruel ideas grieved me. How could they not know that pure love cannot even conceive of guilt? Wasn't love the intrinsic quality of everyone’s being? Why did they leave the true Self out in the cold?

I questioned this out loud. My dear teacher listened with a tolerant smile, but underneath the facade it was clear she was not at ease.

"No. You are wrong Phillip."

"But I can demonstrate it in my love for you, for my family at home, and my friends in this room." (I hesitated to mention the most extraordinary love I already had for girls, as I knew this could be misunderstood coming from a boy.)

My religious teacher responded very sharply this time. She insisted that the love I spoke of within me was essentially different; invalid before the love of God. Immediately I closed my mouth. There was a cold, mournful emptiness in the classroom. The angels there understood the awful price that was being paid in our silence.

I was shaken to realise my teacher could not herself know love's essential nature. But how could she not? Love was everywhere, not least the joy - the very flow of life through the human heart! Nor did she understand in her mind that love was all-forgiving, unconditional, and a call to presence, not time at all. I was just a child, but even I knew that the higher dimensions of love ask nothing; nothing but the gift of shared presence.

I was deeply unsettled all the rest of that warm summer's afternoon. Intuitively I understood the necessity for the most sincere contemplation. And so it was that I turned my attention to my own thoughts within.

Twice I had been reprimanded for speaking of what I knew of love. Twice I had been scolded for trying to remind others of their innate innocence. I was deliberately censored for speaking what we as children know of love's liberating truth.

And as for my dearest, sweetest, most caring teacher.. How could the unity of truth, love and Self have been lost to her? I had sought to remind her, but she didn't even want to know!  How our relationship changed that day..

She, who had been my most respected teacher, had tried to impose upon me conceptually that love and truth were not one. Moreover she had condemned my pure intent to forgive. She had tried to invalidate the reality of beauty and innocence within us all, and all in the name of some remote 'higher power'.  I could not accept such divisive thoughts in my mind. I just could not acknowledge a higher power than the loving presence that spoke to me from within.

In one stroke I was estranged from all further religious teachings.

That day my loving self was shaken. My life had always been blessed and carefree, but on that day I saw real reason to believe I wasn't in paradise any longer. All the rest of the day I began to consider what sort of lifetime I was entering, and what might be done about it.

"What manner of place was I, where the teacher knew not of higher love, where she taught not the soul's purpose? What place where the teacher knew less of my purpose than I?"

I struggled to make sense of these questions.  It was my third year of school. So far I was sure we hadn't been taught anything especially important. I had imagined this must be the time for the real life lessons to begin. At seven years of age it was surely time to speak and study life’s central issues.

I had supposed the teachings would be uncompromising in their demands for us to know ourselves. Yet nothing at school had really challenged me to be more than I already was – nothing except for love itself. When were we to discuss this great purpose of human life? And why did not adults actually ask the children what we knew about life - about the beauty we saw everywhere, and in everyone?

It seemed in many ways, this strange 'school' was inadvertently adding a layer over what I already knew. But wasn't so much of this knowledge already there somewhere within us, if we dared to look deeply enough below the surface? Didn't some part of us already know the mathematics, hadn't we spoken most of these languages somewhere, sometime before? Was not great wisdom latent within every child, and did not every adult have the presence and perfect innocence of the child in them? I saw the roles of 'child' and 'adult' as a game, but for some reason this world seemed to take such roles very seriously.

A reassuring thought arose then from the quietness within. Somewhere there were teachers who understood all about what it truly meant to be human. There were those who had explored all the deeper mysteries of the human heart.  These teachers could not be blind to my pure intent. These masters must honor it in me as they honored it within themselves. These teachers would know of the real power of love.

But those teachers were not to be seen.

On that day my great faith in the wisdom and will of the adult world was broken. Before then I had assumed that the universal laws of love were so obvious and well understood in my new world, there was simply no call to speak of them. But I could no longer hide from one stark and terrible fact: most adults had deeply forgotten about love and the most joyful and important purpose of being human.

I had not lived enough of human life to understand just how one could forget something so important. But it was clearly time for a serious evaluation of my life - lest I somehow fall into a similar abyss of forgetfulness. I decided that afternoon that school lessons in themselves clearly did not have the capacity to teach me what I most wished to learn. I could only acknowledge that for the next years many of these school teachings would be useful for understanding and getting about in this world.

My inner teacher advised that it would now be essential to develop my own will in the world. I would have to be able to operate independently from those who did not honor the striving for love and joy within themselves and others. Yet I was far from happy with this course of action. To use will deliberately in opposition to another ran contrary to love's own deepest nature. I saw myself reluctantly entering a world divided against itself, a world that seemed to have abandoned the all the most precious living knowledge: of love, truth, Self.

“Just as long as I have the time and space to hold up what is taught to the light of my heart's truth, I can silently reject whatever is false.”, I thought.  “And as long as these lighted girl-beings are about me, it will be impossible to forget my heart's truth. That is what matters most.”

And always still, the greatest source of learning would arise from the depths of Self. Everyone in this world obviously did that in their own silence. In that moment I decided I would respect their strange way for years, until I had learned enough of the ways of this world. Then I saw myself in a vision teaching as I had always wished to learn, not from ignorance and fear, but of what I knew of hope and love..

*  *  *

Not long after that day I was to leave that school for another. From then on everything in my life lead me away from consideration and discussion of spiritual and religious dimensions. I would come to conclude over the years that they did not exist. In our house there were shelves of psychology and philosophy, but if there was a bible I did not know about it. Our family was proud, well read and highly cerebral. Although not fond of labels, if anything we must have been secular humanists.

*  *  *

I was most fortunate to find myself in another school's very first ‘bold’ step into co-education. Every day I counted my blessings to learn in the company of girls. Many idyllic years passed, filled with joy, laughter and discovery. Girls were anything but ordinary. While most other boys condemned and feared their vulnerability, my heart recognized its significance. Opportunities to love seemed everywhere and wherever my heart was drawn it was met without resistance. Beauty was not a complicated formula to learned, but a spontaneous celebration of each one’s uniqueness. Moment after moment shone with the pure loving intent of children's heart. Grace guided my soul’s learning into many of the treasures of human experience. It was a time of great harmony. Even as a child, much was learned…

In primary school I spent time with feet in the two camps; those of both girls and boys. While I enjoyed outdoor games with the boys, I would naturally tend to favor time talking and listening to the girls. In my time with the boys, their prevailing attitude to girls shocked me. I was often saddened to hear how poorly boys thought of them.

Several times I tried challenging the boys' basic principles. Whenever I caught  one blatantly affirming 'Girls are evil' (or any of its slightly more subtle derivatives), I would appeal to the boy's logic with the question 'Do you actually know one?'. Invariably that would be met with silence.

Despite this the boys in my class often affirmed their solidarity in the collective chanting of the popular mantra:

"Boys are strong, like King Kong. Girls are weak. Throw them in the creek."

This peculiar invocation to the giant gorilla within would always startle me. Most often it seemed appropriate cue for my departure. But once or twice, when no girls were to be found, I would stay. Joining in the boy's song I would be greeted with enthusiastic smiles and tribal nods. So many boys were glad to see me there; returning to add my strength to their pack. Little did they know that the fervor in my voice sprung purely from my secret delight at the irony. So much of this so-called 'male strength' amounted to nothing more than stupidity, pride, and fear of its own vulnerability - all blindly projected onto our dear human counterparts. I thought it the most fitting hymn to a great tide of male fear and ignorance - which I knew extended far beyond my young classmates. And playing a practical ten-year old double-agent, promoting the idea occasionally could only leave even more girls for my own company.

* * *

Perhaps it is inevitable that every soul’s sincere journey into humanness eventually takes a plunge into darkness. For me it came at the start of my teenage years. All at once the winds of change came, and a single sudden gust had blown away every girl I loved. Concurrently the pace of academic life quickened significantly. I could no longer succeed academically without giving most of my attention to the teacher.

With few exceptions the day-to-day life took me further away from what my soul most longed to learn. Insidiously, all external influences impressed upon our minds it is never enough just to be. One had to be this or that, and then something else. Life was not meant for being, but doing, and woe-forbid, if not doing then at very least thinking about doing. Loving (if mentioned at all) became something for 'later' (ie. when adult), an ominous precedent that did not sit comfortably with my inner being at all.

Silently, urgently I cried out within to all my friends: “Wait. Didn’t you just feel that shift. Walk carefully. Look within. Don’t forget your true Selves. Love is still here and now! Love is what we are here for. It’s most important. Please don’t forget.”

But they did forget. I watched in distress as I saw my peers herded like unknowing sheep, towards what I knew must be a bleak future. Although I could not articulate it at the time, our schooling was pushing us into a mindset - a spiritual corral - wholly committed towards materialism and maintaining the status quo.

When I sensed this coming the inclination of my spirit was to remove myself from the whole school system, however reason told me that at eleven years of age, with no external support, this path would lead into great difficulties. When I remembered the love for all my peers, I realised that continuing school was perhaps the better of the two flawed paths. At least then I could share in whatever difficulties would come our way.

And so the academic pace whirled on into ever greater furies. There seemed to be no reprieve. We were constantly reminded that life was 'only going to get tougher'.

'You are not children anymore,' we were told sternly. Indeed, there grew in me a great sadness that nothing simple, pure, and beautiful might ever survive this dreadful process of 'growing up'. My inner self was overwhelmed. My mind was forced to accept all manner of 'facts' before I could even begin considering their truth in my own experience, and their relevance to my soul's purpose.

For a few years I half-enthusiastically explored the prevailing theme of development of the self in competition. But a competitive philosophy was clearly less than ideal, for whatever satisfaction was obtained in victory was rare, short-lived and at others’ expense.

My spirit craved time and space to reflect - to sort life out. In my education it was never allowed for. There was no idea of inner development, no approach to intuition or the subconscious mind. Expressions of feeling were collectively regarded as weakness; emotion was a taboo subject. Truly independent thinking, any passionate exploration of our own ideas of self esteem, self-confidence, and inner psychic growth were seen as dissent and put down accordingly. The best therapy for lost peace of mind was given as "keep yourself busy".

There were six years of the most intense development of the intellect, where there was little else but the examination and discrimination of other people's ideas, until 'I' had become little more than a confused collection of expectations impressed upon me by others. A complete false self - ego - was born. A pawl of forgetfulness was drawn over the brightness of the soul's purpose. Insidiously, 'I' was blinded to the deeper realms of Self. My heart's truth - my vulnerability and my strength - was swept under a suffocating carpet of conformity, pride and fear. All the pure will to love was locked away behind bars of self-doubt.

Many long and miserable years followed, driven along by expectations of who I was 'meant to be', and what I 'must' do. I had always understood that to commit my whole identity to any external roles would be to limit the unbounded internal possibilities. And to commit my whole focus and identity to anything less than love would be a huge step backwards..

In those long years I would touch girls only in prayers; prayers that were never spoken ; prayers that went no further than my own heart's hushed yearning. Angels came, but only in the stillness of the night. They could reach me only in the deepest of dreams. Their whispered promises and tender embraces kept the reality of love alive, meeting the longing deep within.

*  *  *

In the world the pure freedom of the present and the Self undefined was largely lost to me. All I could see clearly was that every role and expectation pushed upon me was not what I was. Intuitively I understood that commitment to any one external 'role' could only be a limitation to the freedom and totality of the whole loving Self. In the final years of high school I began cultivating willful detachment from everyone's expectations of me. I began to openly question the reasoning of family, peers, and teachers. I could not idly accept the inconsistency of teacher’s beliefs, thoughts, words and actions.

In supposedly inspirational speeches we were assured that our intellectual development at school would be perfectly balanced with carefully guided 'physical development'. This amounted to compulsory attendance of sports designated appropriate for us. One particular occasion my Physical Education class was told it was time for high jump. Deliberately I made my way to the back of the queue. My own  individuality had long been struggling for survival and I knew a confrontation with the system was pending. Yet I hated conflict. As I quietly made the front of the queue I paused, wishing desperately my body would just melt away.

"Phillip. It's time for you to jump."

"Jump Phillip, Jump!"

"But I really don't want to do this. Tell me why I have to?"

"It's a discipline. It's for your own good."

"But the only worthwhile discipline is self-discipline. And how do you know what is good for me? You don't have a clue about who I really am and what I really want. In ten years at school, no one has even asked with any real sincerity. In fact I suspect that no-one is actually interested. Is that true?"

"Phillip, you are being difficult."

"I am sorry for disrupting the class. But you haven't answered my question and I think it is important. I am a human being, not a sheep. I just cannot be told to jump, run there, do this, do that. I cannot believe that just following another person's orders are the basis of an effective education - or an effective life. I don't tell you what to do. I would not, for I do not know you. And I believe in your ability to decide for yourself. So what right do you have to order me?

There was silence. We both knew her inevitable answer. I was reprimanded and given detention for my 'disobedience'. In this and other similar incidents I lost my peers' support, yet I won a vital battle for control of my soul. My individual will was not broken.

It wasn't long before I had finished with formal education forever. That sort of school could never complete me, and I never completed that school. 

It took a while, but over five or more years, I managed to shake off more and more the shackles of external demands, and reclaim my free will. I was to leave my familiar Australian 'world' far behind.

* * *

It was amongst the crystal blue skies and sparkling snows of Switzerland that I  found a new sense of Self. The pure air cleared my mind. The beauty of the great mountains was intoxicating. Their imposing heights humbled my human body, while inviting my spirit upwards. Their untouched faces and soaring ridges led my eyes back to the heavens.  Far from Australia's beaches I had always felt mountains were my true home.

There I found delightful freedom and expression in strapping two planks to my feet and swooshing down the endless variety of slopes. In skiing I found incredible joy. It held secrets for me of an unspoken grace; a promise of beauty made manifest. Unlike any other physical activity, I sensed skiing could liberate my spirit in the world of form.

And snow, the stuff of dreams, how I had always loved it so! I had long been mesmerized by its purity; its brilliance in the sun. I was spellbound when it fell, quietly transforming every landscape with softness. In Australia it had all seemed so rare; whilst in Switzerland it fell with no effort at all. In Switzerland it lies on the great peaks forever.

It was into this wonderful world that she came. One girl was the key to my awakening. She was life’s messenger to me that love was still my way.

It was almost Christmas. All was beautiful, pure and white. For days the snow had been falling in great drifts. I was working outdoors, shoveling a path for the winter guests. I was glad to be busy on a day the mountains were all closed for avalanche danger.

Many guests were passing on foot in their way to and from the village. One particular blonde girl caught my attention. She passed several times, each with a smile. Eventually we struck up an easy conversation. She was from Germany and found an Australian shoveling snow in Switzerland to be rather curious.

“Would you like to go skiing together?” I finally asked a little nervously.

“Yes!” Her smile registered in my heart, my mind never needing to grasp her spoken reply.

*  *  *

She was magnificent on skis, out-running even the wind. Following as best I could, I was pushed beyond all my previous limits. I would struggle just to keep her within sight. In my bravest attempts to keep up, I would crash spectacularly. Yet nothing real was ever broken. I knew pride could only be an impediment to my learning; to my loving. I was not afraid to fall. And so I learned fast, very fast indeed.

We often went skiing together. We zoomed across a pure white wilderness of eternal snows, shot down forested gullies, and emerged laughing amongst ancient sun browned barns.

As time went by, so much shared joy meant we inevitably became very close. All of my focus was drawn progressively into the perfection of the present. At last I was free of regret for the past; free of fear for the future. I felt my spirit's resurrection in this very human love.  

I had enormous respect and admiration for this girl. She was beautiful, certainly, but not because she conformed to any standard that had been impressed upon me. It was the natural expression of her spirit through her physicality that captured my attention. So much of her spirit shone through her actions and physical form. But more than this; she trusted me. She shared more of her deeper thoughts, feelings, doubts and ambitions that anyone ever had with me. She radiated a multitude of qualities that I sought to awaken within my adult self. She was courageous, open, and confident.

* * *

My evening working hours encouraged abundant free time under the bright mountain sun. Six full days a week I spent on skis, far more time on the snow than she. I had always had the will to learn rapidly, and in heart and soul I knew the conditions in Switzerland were perfect for my learning.

I never had a desire for a formal ski teacher. Something told me most teachers would not encourage my capacity for learning from myself, inadvertently stifling my true potential. So instead I taught myself from a book. From the mountain lifts I studied the best skiers, while contemplating the mind-set behind their natural style. I considered well the mountains too, inspiring me with their quiet majesty. Silently I invited the great Alpine spirit to awaken whatever grace there was in me.

* * *

Grace always answers the call of the heart. Great guides, while often intangible, are attracted to every spirit’s sincere desire to grow.

For the pure joy of my own self-mastery I sought to excel on skis. My girlfriend had inspired me with her speed and grace. But alone I continued pushing past all my personal fears and limits. I would dash down the great mountains, dreaming the world's greatest ski teachers joining me across time and space, celebrating the speed and joy of learning.

I learned not to fight the mountains; but much more importantly, not to fight myself. My inner teacher reminded me falling is an integral stage of learning. I was not to fear it. And I discovered the very fear of falling would lead to tightening up; making falling much more likely.

I was determined, at least, to achieve such measure of grace whereupon I no longer fell because of my own fear. And as much as I was wholly committed to learning to ski, something within knew I was learning also lessons much greater.

I was reminded the accomplishment of every great human endeavor must address falling (or failing). Some quiet confident voice told me that within every novice there is a master, and within every master a novice. That the only significant difference between a true master and a beginner is that the master has learned to forgive themselves for falling, knowing it is inevitable, but seeks instead to learn something from it.  This commitment in advance to forgive all mistakes and see them as opportunities to learn made possibilities for learning very fast.

At last I felt free in the world; free to learn at my own pace, free of everyone else imposing on me what was and was not worthwhile, free to learn through joy. I learned to laugh at error; I learned to laugh at my own pride. Whatever mistakes others made, I made. I loved crashes in the snow. It was spectacular. It had  an unpredictable creativity. It had the power to instill humility in us all. I understood skiing brought us together as human beings; to fall, to learn, to forgive.

Over the months my own skis came to dance and flash in the brilliant mountain light. I was enchanted in series of singing sweeping turns, eight miles in eight minutes, non-stop from mountaintop to village. The spirit of the mountains taught me the secrets of swift skiing; fast learning. I had never known such pure physical joy and vitality in my life.

Surprising myself with my rapid progress, I overtook my girlfriend on all but the bumpiest slopes. While she delighted most in skiing bumps, I did not relish them. I felt they jarred, confined my speed, and limited the options for a graceful line downhill. Though bumps could not always be avoided. To become more complete I saw the need to navigate all the world's terrain without fear.

*  *  *

And so time went by joyfully. Not one moment was wasted. I felt myself growing at every level. My girlfriend and I spent much time together. But as the relationship deepened, inevitably a few doubts began to rise within me. Under the surface I noticed she was not, in fact, as ‘perfect’ as I had initially hoped.

I was contemplating this alone one day, as I walked through the tranquil snowy streets of the village.

I had doubts about her. I had doubts about our relationship. Was there someone more perfect for me?

Perhaps. But what does perfection actually mean? If I saw her flawed in my mind, then I could hardly deny my own human imperfections. There still lingered self-doubts, particularly from my teenage years.

So there were doubts. Of her – of self – of us together.

All these doubts lived in my mind. They made me uncomfortable. I wanted to push them away, but they called for attention.

The self-doubts had always called for my attention.

For years I had run from them. For years I had waited for a realized love to walk with me into their forbidding mystery. Now I could hardly deny it. That love was finally here.

Clearly both doubt and love needed consideration here and now. They were closely related within the self – and not just in me - they were bound together in the alchemy of the human condition.

Was doubt as real as love?

My first big doubt : is this girl worthy of all my love?

I was not sure. But to judge her as unworthy would not foster our relationship. To nurture and justify doubts and judgments in my mind would contribute to the disintegration of the relationship. If I were to be honest, and I certainly wanted to be, whatever thoughts I held of her would inevitably manifest in my words and actions. And whatever I gave to her must inevitably be given in fairness back to me.

But moreover to judge her, how could I be honest – consistent – and not then condemn myself for my own imperfections? I could not remain so blind. I hadn't realised just how costly judgmental thoughts were! It seemed everyone must suffer in consequence of judgments of unworthiness, and they must imperil the deeper possibilities of love and trust in relationship. Clearly I did not want any of that.

Was I really ready to give her so much of myself?

I had to acknowledge I was moving deeper into relationship than ever before. I would have to share more of myself than I ever had. What if she rejected that deeper self? To continue was to risk being hurt more deeply than anything I had ever known. While I had suffered for years in loving before, I could not imagine how deeply I might be hurt if I was to go deeper into the relationship. To continue into the relationship required a conscious decision to trust in love ahead of my fear of being hurt.

Was I prepared to risk everything for this love? What exactly did this love mean to me?

Apart from all the shared joys, our relationship had enabled me to accept and express myself in ways I had never known before. I might have never learned to accept parts of myself without her presence in my life. In just months I had made a dozen years of progress in my growth; in my experience of the full joy of humanness. I would be a fool or a coward not to continue exploring this unrivalled opportunity for growth.

So is love only justified if someone is perfect?

Well, I was far from perfect. I had learned that over the years. Yet I was often certain in my love for others, and I wanted to believe I was somehow worthy of someone's love.   Love. Love. Love.  It was always love that led me closer to the realization of perfection; in others; and perhaps ultimately in some unimaginable redemption of Self.

But what is perfection? And who decides what is perfect?

It was then I saw much of my adult suffering clearly. Since the age of eleven I had been allowing EVERYONE else decide for me what was beautiful and worthy. My whole fixed idea of 'perfection' had come with the thought there was someone I could (or 'had to') become that would please everyone. But the notion of worthiness had become so exclusive that I could no longer see a single person fitting the bill - including myself. I saw that sort of 'perfection' was impossible and striving for it unconsciously had been a terrible constraint on my free spirit.

Yet I had traveled so far beyond what my old world had taught me. Both my girlfriend and I stood far beyond every narrow old standard of approval. In the last months all I had known were the wonders of love. There was great joy, peace, freedom beyond all my old concepts of right and wrong. It was love that was liberating me. Love itself was my most significant human step towards perfection.

What, then, is perfect about love?

It was then that I remembered.

Pure love treasures all expressions of our humanity. It can never condemn.

Suddenly it was dawning upon me again how the human potential for love was unlimited. Nothing was perfect in itself in the human world; nothing except for love. What made love perfect in the human world was its pure intent to accept and forgive all. Judgment, condemnation and doubt could only separate : within minds and within relationships. Only pure love could accept, unify, heal, reveal, share and forgive all. The higher dimensions of love are wholly consistent and wholly forgiving; of both Self and others.

In the quietness of the alpine streets I understood.

The pure intent to forgive all was the invitation to perfect love in the human world. Only pure love could unify the whole human Self.

This relationship was offering the perfect opportunity to grow, because I had the opportunity to forgive and bless everything human in her. Every “imperfection” in her melted into a greater perfection in my eyes, for the opportunity to accept her “imperfection” was a gift I would also receive myself. This relationship was life’s lesson to forgive and accept both our uniquely human selves. To choose to love the ‘imperfections’ I had initially perceived in her, granted me permission to forgive all my own faults, and become the ultimate gift to both of us.

From that moment my love and gratitude for the relationship became truly unlimited. This could be a perfectly realised relationship - one filled with joy and boundless opportunities to grow. Mistakes existed only to be forgiven, so that love could continue to flourish. Only with commitment to share the Self and forgive completely could love blossom without limits within me - and within the relationship.           

I was filled with renewed appreciation for her; for our relationship; for life. I constantly found fresh appreciation for her exuberant physicality, her movement,  extending to all her feelings, her thoughts, her creative intent, and especially in my forgiveness of every previously imagined human flaw. All of it contributed to the possibility of my love going beyond what it had ever known before. All of it contributed to her individuality.  Every part of her being shared was a gift of potential to me. All my doubts and judgments were dissolving in the fire of an all-forgiving love. It became impossible to judge any part of her physical, emotional, mental, or spiritual being as anything less than beautiful.

I knew there was nothing this love could not redeem in both of us.  This love had a power and grace that refused all notions of condemnation. I knew that in our continuing relationship, this love within must inevitably blossom to include all of myself, before it would 'break its banks' and emerge as love for the whole world.

After so many years in the wilderness, at last I was waking each day filled with genuine gratitude for life. I felt myself soaring upwards in the current of my soul's higher purpose. I finally conceptually understood  how to keep love alive perpetually in the human world.

Every day was an opportunity to learn and practice love, only now as an adult with all the extra wonders and mysteries that entails. I still had so much to learn about putting love into human form, but I felt it all laid out before me in one infinite banquet of opportunity with this one unique soul.

How much I had learned in those precious five months! How I had learned about growth, forgiveness; about love in Self and others, about excellence and joy and grace in form! My being had blossomed at every level; physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I never wanted it to end. I felt certain I getting very close to heaven on earth.

But all too soon it was May and the strength of the sun was driving the snows into their summer retreat. The winter season was over and our work was done.

*  *  *

After two weeks apart, we were to meet at her home in Germany. I stepped off a midnight train at her station. There I was greeted by an unfamiliar reserve in her touch. There was no meeting my eyes, no spontaneous smile, no quickening in her step towards me. Immediately I knew something was not right.

Impressing me with her youth and ingenuity, she had arranged two bicycles for a ride home from the station. Soon we were speeding along together again.

“Magnificent.”, I thought. “This is my life as it is meant to be. Another country, another adventure, still more joyful opportunities to grow.”

I knew next to nothing about her land. I trusted only in my love to guide me. Her blonde hair shone so beautifully in the moonlight, sweeping tenderly over her shoulders in the slipstream.

“How lucky I am to be shown ever-new facets to her beauty. With her I know it need never end.”, I shared with my silver friend in the sky.

But something told me she did not see the moonlight.

* * *

Lying next to her that night, there was a chill to her presence. At breakfast the conversation was halting. A tension had been building in her.

I knew something was very wrong. I was afraid to ask, but my inner teacher reminded me that courage and clear communication is required in every good relationship. So I asked what was wrong.

"Our relationship is over," she informed me.

I had not sensed the fall before it came. But suddenly in her mind it was finished. She was so thoroughly convinced by her doubts, it was as though nothing had ever been shared. Every door that had been opened to intimacy had been closed.

"Why? What is wrong? Is there someone else?"

"No."

In her mind 'it just could not work'. Nothing I did or said could turn her from the resolve to part. She didn't pause long before stating her frighteningly inadequate conclusion:

"You should leave.”

I was stunned.

"What!? Why?! How?! No!" objected my spirit.

The prospect of such immediate and complete loss was unfathomable. I could not believe someone could turn away from such an opportunity to share all the self, to be appreciated and loved for it all. Nor could I believe life itself would allow for such a liberation in love to slip away! It was all incomprehensible.

Worse than any words was the stark reality of her new feelings. Throughout the day complete strangers appeared radiant in their warmth towards me. It was like some great tide had turned within her.

If I had an adequate explanation for her changes, I felt I could at least learn; bless; and move on. Although she tried her honest best, the girl herself could not effectively substantiate her doubts. Over hours of discussion, she offered little logic or reason. When she cited her dislike of the color of my ski-jacket as justification for our breakup, I solemnly let go hope of finding further clarity in conversation.

As I confirmed my flight ten thousand miles back to Australia, she relaxed somewhat. But the further I compassionately explored her reasoning the more uncertain she became. Eventually she courageously shared that an unspeakable episode from her childhood still bound her. I was guided by the simple will to love all, no matter what might arise from her past. I could not use force on her, but neither could she share the details. After days of mostly fruitless discussion, time had run out.

I left Germany. At first I was just numb. But as the train sped deeper into dark and unfamiliar lands, the dreadful finality of it all overcame me.

The relationship was over. The love was gone. There was no turning back.

Immediately I was overcome with an enormous sense of loss. By the time I had crossed the English channel I was beset with such grief as I had never known. I cried for the loss of our connection; the loss of her physical presence. But far more than this, I was devastated to know the loss of potential the relationship still held. There could never be tears enough to assuage such depths of sorrow. All the joy, the intimacy, the love, and the growth that could have been shared was gone. I could not even begin to comprehend how so much potential could be wasted.

In London I knew no one. I wandered quiet streets, grateful for the darkness.  Long shadows hid the tears streaming from my eyes. I hadn't cried in so many years. I knew this was not the time to attempt to censor them. After some hours no thought of hope had found purchase in my weary head. I was at a complete loss. Thoroughly exhausted, I returned to my hostel bunk and fell into the arms of deep sleep.

The next day I awoke with sadness and disbelief, but also with a new sense of purpose. The pain of the loss was still great, but the lack of understanding multiplied the anguish immeasurably.

Why had she turned away?

Perhaps if I knew the answer the grief might become tolerable. At least the act of questioning offered distraction from feeling helpless.

With some resolve, I scoured through London bookshops. Gathering an armful of 'pop' psychology books, my mind raced down their convoluted paths. I was desperate for some explanation of the loss; or at least some validation of my misery.

Initially I settled upon “My neurotic need for love”. At least then it seemed I could take responsibility for the pain.

But several days later back in Australia I began to question this.

Certainly it was true – I struggled to find real meaning in my life without love. And to explore and practice loving a girl had always been my greatest dream.

But could something so liberating and joyful be wrong? And how could the deeper purpose of forgiving us both be neurotic?

I put the pop psychology books away.

Back amongst family and old school friends I was dismayed to find no-one appreciated the great changes that had manifested in me. But then my small Australian circle had never approached relationships - or life - as my inner being had strived to. It did not surprise me that no-one offered much meaningful guidance. While well meaning, “You’ll get over it,” was dismissive and terribly inadequate. I knew enough of myself to know I may not actually 'get over it' at all. I had never seen anyone risk so much, give so much, lose so much. No-one had ever understood the depths of my intent. A perfect and unique opportunity to know love; for two souls to grow in freedom and joy had gone.

The sense of loss remained intolerable. I simply had to make sense of what had happened. Moreover, somehow I had to honor everything that had happened to me in Switzerland. There I had learned so much. There I had truly lived for the first time in my adult life. I had been so free. But in Australia I saw the risk of losing it all; forgetting it all. I could not allow that reborn self to be crushed. I could not simply conform to all the old expectations of who I was.

With no outer resources assisting me, I retreated to a far-flung city in Australia, thousands of miles from anyone I ever knew. By night I shared a simple dormitory with backpacking travelers. By day I spent all my hours in the sanctuary of the state’s library. I withdrew into my inner Self; secure territory, though not entirely familiar.

Clouds of anguish overshadowed every familiar sense of self. My customary calmness of mind remained deeply disturbed by the lack of understanding of the loss. The only thing clear was life could not go on until somehow the sorrow was resolved. For the first time in my life I gave consideration to drugs, alcohol and abject denial of reality. However upon examination these options held little promise. Love was so central to my nature, it was clear that total 'resolution' of the pain in unconsciousness could only be achieved through total annihilation. A quick suicide emerged briefly in my mind as an option, until further reflection exposed it as a complicated and messy business, rather than any sort of real solution. Although I had absolutely no religious or spiritual convictions, I still couldn't be completely sure that death would be the end! If it wasn't the end there would still be suffering for me, and the legacy of a suicidal demise would certainly be suffering for those I left behind. Such an act would not honor the love at all.

Somehow the love had to be honored.

A strange inner thought reminded me that the pure intention to love was very important in itself, and worthy of far more than annihilation of the Self.  Inspired somewhat by this welcome thought, I consoled myself that I was indeed thoroughly alive as never before, even if completely miserable.

It was under this most unusual stress I began to ask myself the most unusual questions.

What am I to do?

I had shaken off everyone's expectations and understanding of me.

Where has my inner peace gone? I held back nothing in my intent to love her. Surely to know real love was not to sacrifice peace?

That can't be true.

“No, love itself is peace. Love has always given me permission to be at peace - the deepest peace that is full of aliveness and joy – a peace that simultaneously includes and transcends the Self.”

That alone had I always held as the central truth of my life.

So I reasoned “The greater the love should equate to greater peace. If I am suffering because of my love, perhaps there are mistakes in my thinking..?”

And so I was introduced to the idea that distortions and conflicts in the mind cause suffering. And that itself prompted me to consider the true power of the mind. I had always had faith in the ability of my mind to ultimately work life out. Yet here was a task surely possible with my complete commitment: to know myself. It was time to look at what I really believed to be true.

Then and there I befriended my truth; one who’d always been a trustworthy companion, but in that moment became a gracious guiding light in my search for peace.

The grief prompted an unprecedented inner search for understanding. I knew I could not blame the girl herself for her decision. I loved her too much. I had made a solemn decision to never imagine her as unworthy of love.  I hated to see her suffer, and I could not force her to relive the pain from her own past. But I resolved to know the cause of my suffering and the reasons for the separation. I could only look within the framework of my experience, my belief system, and the strength of my love. In my search for the truth I had no option but to look wholly within - to the source of grief and doubt, to my identity, and ultimately to the love beyond them.

As I had made total commitment to never judge my girlfriend  as unworthy of love, whatever cruelty still alive in me saw our separation as obvious proof of my own weakness.

Somehow I must be at fault. I could not be worthy of love. My secret self-doubts must be real.

My mind would have gladly seized and expanded upon this, but some welcome thought reminded me that in the beginning, she had been the one so completely 'in love'. There was a time she could not even bring herself to eat, she was so deliriously happy. Initially I had been startled and even a little bit frightened by the strength of her feelings. Nothing had changed after that; except she had thankfully regained her appetite. I had deliberately made a deeper commitment. We had become closer.

After the most careful consideration, I could not doubt the essential goodness of my intention to love. It stood fast under days of the most demanding self-scrutiny. In fact its benevolence surprised me. This love saw beauty at every level of the human being. It was creative. It gave generously and it forgave without conditions. It demanded nothing. It understood the importance of her free will. It asked only for honesty and the shared joy of presence. My expression of love was not perfect, but by all standards it appeared good, and it sought purposefully to improve itself. 

How could anyone throw all that away?

I had never known a love so complete. A crucial turning point came with the thought: “I could never turn from such a love offered to me, so how could she?”

In the beginning she had. But as the intimacy grew, as the requirement for honesty deepened, the stakes had become higher. That day walking the snowy streets I had made a deliberate and conscious decision to risk sharing myself beyond all my fears of being rejected and hurt. But had she?

If my love had one great expectation, a weakness in its desire, it was this: it called on her to open and share all of herself. I had reached a point of understanding there was nothing love could not have redeemed in us. All that was required was the commitment of time, openness, honesty and complete acceptance of whatever might come up.

How could she not have commitment to her own redemption?   

I had to consider then the few occasions when I had turned away from love that others had directed to me in my life. If the love from another had indeed been honest and true, if it had wished purely for my own happiness according to my own terms, in understanding and appreciation for who I was, without imposing any conditions or expectations, then the only way I ever turned from it was in doubt of my own worth.

It became apparent then, that there was one opposing force to the acceptance and knowing of love. It was doubt. It was fear.

But every fear within the girl of my affections was an illusion! I loved her even in her fear, even in her self-doubt. I loved her so much I could not ever judge her as unworthy. If she had shown that vulnerability to me I could only love her more. The equation was simple to me. A gift of the inner self=vulnerability=trust=opportunity for intimacy=deeper love.

I began to see clearly the relationship between the forces of love, growth and intimacy, opposed to fear, loss and separation. In that I stumbled across an incredible and long-forgotten alchemy. Love and fear seemed to be the two major players in human experience. Fear obstructed love and growth, but also expression, creativity, spontaneity, joy, and learning. Fear was clearly a block to the best of life itself!

Something within my girlfriend terrified her of the prospect of deepening intimacy. She had chosen fear over love, but that was something I could no longer do to myself. Far too much love had been awakened in me to allow fear to stifle love again.

Then and there I refused to accept fear as a limit within myself. Clearly it was time to have a deep look within at what fears I had been holding unexamined.

I soon realised that as powerful a negative force as fear appeared to be, it could only exist unconsciously. To hold fear was to doubt the essential goodness of Self and to doubt the all-forgiving nature and intent of love. Fear could not remain if gently challenged for its message and truth.

A little later I realised that love was a flow of conscious energy through the heart. The great pain I was feeling was because my beliefs blocked the flow of love within me. Love was truly unlimited, but I could not allow my own mind to limit it. If I had imagined my yearning love had nowhere to go, it was because it never occurred to me that I could turn it directly upon myself.

I came back to the thought "I could not turn from such a love offered to me". "Need I turn from it?" And "What is the nature of this love within me - this incredible motivating force - this will to grow, and share and bless beyond all limits?"

I took love by the hand and asked fear to explain itself within me.

Offering acceptance and forgiveness to my own fears and self-doubts was a transaction of perfect efficiency. After an initial struggle there was no resistance.  Behind every unheard fear was a trapped aspect of the whole Self, yearning only to be seen without judgment. I gently challenged fears and examined their relationship to acceptance of my deeper self. I extended these concepts within, my understanding blossomed, and every grief began to melt into a much greater awareness.

As I forgave myself for all my own fears and former resistance to love,  so I forgave this girl for everything. It occurred then, that even as a humble boy/man my love intended to forgive all. But what manner of love was there in life that went beyond my love? And where were the real masters of love – those teachers I had never met? What would they say about love?

But again I only imagine such souls, living lives throughout the ages, pursuing  excellence in their own dreams, fellow students of love's deeper nature.

The qualities I loved in this girl had always existed as potentialities within me. Each of us has every potential within us, but to realise them all on one's own is so very hard. She had been the inspiration I needed to realise so much within myself. She had given me many gifts. Oh so many! I would honour the relationship by living myself the qualities she had mirrored to me. This intention to honor what I had learned at a soul level from her helped assuage much grief. Despite the reality of the physical loss, I could keep something real of her beauty alive within me. I could nurture it within myself and also extend it to others in the future.

Later I explored her decision to separate based upon my knowledge of her past. It became very clear that the girl of my affections was not in a position to receive my love. To move forward in our relationship would require her to explore, challenge, and release all the buried emotions of a very painful childhood, and that was something she was obviously not ready to do. She chose fear – even to fear a love that could only bless and forgive – in order not to be immediately conscious of all her unresolved thoughts and feelings. Her fear was a very effective restraint. It was a decision to remain unconscious, applied so as not to experience too much, too quickly.

But I was ready to move on, and there was no aspect of my self that was not ready to submit to the spirit of love’s all-forgiving vision. This was the fundamental difference between us. We had gone far together. But it was time to bless and release her. And that I did.

Love and gratitude for her would always remain, but my deepening understanding and trust in the greater scheme of life assured me she would be okay. Others would touch her, and better reflect her own inner architecture. I truly understood the deeper purpose of our relationship. Her coming was meant to be, not to be with me ‘forever’, but to ignite the longing for something greater within me. That had been done p-e-r-f-e-c-t-ly. At last I had returned to the deep pool of knowing within my own soul. Into its tranquil depths I gladly swam.

A lighted guide to the love within had been awakened. Eclipsing my love for this one girl was the incredible potential of really understanding my Self, finding my truth, and healing every area of darkness within me. Love burned so brightly within, I could not accept fear and denial of any aspect of self in its place. There was no emotion I would not forgive anyone for, neither within myself. My will to know the truth (my deepest beliefs) only deepened, and the exploration of the inner self continued.

In the light of all-honesty I came to see that not every action in my life had always been loving, nor every occasion honest. However something within me reminded me that to condemn myself for my own shortcomings would be to compound the original error, not only that but to forgive myself meant that I would (have to!) be able to forgive others for the same error. The most important quality of pure human love is forgiveness. To believe I was not worthy of forgiveness myself would also be to turn away from the inner light of hope.

Moving deeper I found such freedom within the Self. If I was prepared to challenge and release fear, then I could know love and life unbounded. So I questioned every fear, every guilt, every pain and every single concept of self that I had allowed others to define. Rarely had I knowingly used fear and guilt as weapons against others, and at once I refused to accept them – from others, for others and within me. I realised that concepts of fear, blame, and guilt were clearly dependent on the denial (and/or forgetting) of the inherent power and goodness of one’s own Self. They were alien to the truth, peace, the real inner Self, the source and being of love – consciousness itself. The real Self was loving consciousness undefined.

I wished everyone freedom in my thoughts, as I wished to be free, and my whole being quickened with its own release.

As I saw the truth that we actually live constantly in the present, it became clear the only pain from the past that could hold me was a past imagined without love. And so I looked at every significant aspect of my ‘past’ to find the love there. If I could not find it from others, I projected it ‘back’ to myself. The hurt child within was only too happy to receive it. Immediately I would feel a release, bringing more of myself into the freedom of the present. Again I witnessed the power of love and thought; neither could be held by time or space. Indeed there was more and more evidence in my mind that thought and love (or its absence) were the creators of experience.

Every thought that sanctified the power of love liberated more of my inner self. My consciousness and life-force expanded. All the tight knots of doubt and fear were rapidly undone within my being. I became aware of unresolved tensions, conflicts of belief stored faithfully, unconsciously, in my body. In my lifetime, I had always been sure that sickness was a product of my mind. But I saw too that illness could manifest as a long process of accumulation of conflicting and negative thoughts about the self. I remembered the times I had almost unconsciously harbored a thought of illness - of doubt. Eventually, after many years these might have manifest as a sickness or physical disability, but only to mirror the imbalance within the real creative center - the mind. I realised I could choose again and bless these conflicting thoughts. I did not need illness now, I did not need its reminder manifesting in my body. My whole being sought to know the truth, the source of the love and life within me.

As I went on I began to draw in thoughts of such grace and power that I knew I had found ‘the way’ to my ultimate liberation. (I had no inclination that my own inner path might have been considered at all 'spiritual' in nature.)

Each time I discovered a new thought, I tested its validity by applying it to my own experience, and then collectively to what I knew of humanity's understanding of itself. Loving thoughts, true thoughts could be widely applied, not just to the self, but then beyond to all life itself. There appeared to be certain principles which all life held to – that all life honored either consciously or unconsciously. By applying these thoughts consciously, one could be liberated to a higher, more expanded realm of being – beyond the limitations that most humans accept..

I shall not go on too much further, for the introduction alone could fill several books. In rapid succession there came many insights into spiritual ‘truths’ or ‘laws’ of freedom, although the word ‘law’ implies force or restraint. The higher spiritual laws are unbreakable, but instead of binding they sanctify free will, growth and equal opportunity for all. They are difficult to explain because they are interdependent on one another. Suffice to say: to be free, one has to take full responsibility and think for oneself. At the most subtle and profound level, thought creates experience. Therefore one can challenge any thought which limits any aspect of self...

And so, in brief, the introductory stage to the ‘peak experience’ was very deliberate, very conscious, sustained, ever lighter; ever more revelatory.

Over several weeks I felt my true Self awakening. Every new insight liberated long forgotten aspects of my consciousness. It felt like I was returning to every potential I had been born with, before I had been taught to believe in limitation. Time became something which only existed in the outer world. My inner world was free and loving thoughts lead my spirit unbound. Almost every moment was filled with a beautiful unity of revelations. I immediately applied each to my Self, expanding my consciousness into incredible realms of freedom, light and joy.

Over the many weeks of contemplation there were significant changes in my perception of myself. As I expanded further, I began to question my remaining identification with the physical body. I had never accepted a mirror could reflect my whole being – at best it reflected a tiny snapshot of a self locked in time. But by this point the body seemed to be almost an irrelevancy. It could not represent the truth of who I was. It would appear to others simply as a mirror for their own expectations, dreams and prejudices. It merely provided some focus for my mind and intent to know love in physical reality.

My spirit was absorbed in love itself, and the power of the liberated mind to create a reality of its presence unbound. It was absolutely clear that everyone was much, much more than what they had been taught. Most of humanity appeared asleep to the present – to 99.9% of their own beauty, power, and being. The physical was just a disguise for the true Self.

Ever more apparently, love and thought were the most powerful forces, neither bound by the physical. Love was present as consciousness being and extending itself. As I projected my thoughts with love into consciousness, it became possible to know things far beyond my familiar physical experience. The answers came from deep in the Self, the quiet space all my schooling had taught me to ignore. I remembered that the true teacher of freedom was within. I had known it as a child, but the forgetting of my teenage years had been very deep indeed.

There were many insights into the deeper nature of life and the field of love within it all. Each insight and wave of energy guided me according to even deeper principles, into realization of my own freedom and destiny. I knew my primary identity as consciousness, able to experience many different layers of being at will.

Along the way I had more and more vivid sleeping dreams and waking visions. Some were obviously symbols and reflections of my own experiences and deeper yearning. Many others seemed to have little relevance, and while fantastic, served only as distractions. Each time I affirmed "No, I know the mind can create all manner of images and phenomenal experience. I do not want mere symbols. I only want to know the truth, who I truly am beyond fear, and what love truly is. I will only explore the realm of thought."

Somewhere around this point it became clear that my thoughts were creating my reality absolutely. All I wanted was the truth - and as the truth was clearly within - nothing external could hold me back any longer. It was a simple matter of calling falsity and distortion - fear - into the light of loving awareness. No guilt from the past or fear for the future distracted my thoughts from the infinite potential of the present. Every fear was yielding before my focused will to know the truth in the present.

A new energy propelled me forward and inward, for by now it was completely self-sustaining and exponential. I could see clearly that a meeting with the ultimate Truth (truth=liberating principle of life) was inevitable in the near future. Every experience of my life had guided me there. Not only that, but the ultimate truth was fully alive in itself, and it was drawing me in deliberately. It was calling every conscious being to share in its freedom, its joy, and its love of the totality of life. I could not resist because it was so obviously everything I wanted.

There remained nothing in the external world that could capture my attention – because the perfect purest essence of everything I desired called from within. The truth sustained me. It had already liberated me from all the suffering of my life, but it was clear to know still higher truths would be to go beyond every (human) limitation.

I was being drawn ever inwards in a vast whirlpool of spiritual truths. For two weeks I was aware of the existence of a single transcendent truth. At the center of the unrelenting search within, there would be an indivisible principle which could liberate my being utterly. I understood one truth lived as a central principal of life; one truth that did not change. This one truth applied to everything. One, around which everything else revolved. I longed for it and I was aware it of its conscious longing for me.

Anything I wished to know in the name of love was revealed to my mind, but it was love’s nature itself that always drew me on. At a certain level in my expanding consciousness I was aware of the ‘reality’ of past lives. I saw they existed within the greater Self (as did so many other dimensions of life I had forgotten in my humanness). But in a broader sense the ‘lives’ were not really past. To the centre of the expanded awareness all lives were happening simultaneously. There was a clear opportunity to look into other lives, and I knew in the looking that a love from the ‘present’ lifetime might be explained in more detail. But my spirit knew that whatever had happened in the ‘past’, it was still only the outer fringes of the greater consciousness and love within. I didn't want to muddle my deliberate journey distracted by mere details of other lives. All I wanted to know was what the essence of what these other lives had learned about love - about the real meaning of life.

A thought within assured me that deeper within my soul's consciousness was the collective knowing of all previous loves, and my intent would be enough to take me there.  And deeper still, at the centre of all lives was the real love inspiring all my lives and all my loves. It was this silent call that beckoned me ever on. And so I passed individual details over.

Some final Truths dawned in days that were timeless, until every desire melted into one :

“I must know this unseen ultimate truth. It is more real and much more beautiful than anything else.”

There was one last doorway, and I sensed it was the last. There was only one fear left; untouched, unknown.

Never before had it really touched my life. Never before had I the necessary courage and understanding to face it. But one common fear appeared collectively in every single person I had ever known. 

The last threshold of fear was the thought of dying.

I stopped my forward progress there. Ahead was the final great human mystery to consider. Death. The one I knew as a child I would eventually face. The one mystery that called the whole purpose of being human into question. While beside me, inside me, stood that unseen force of love and the singular will to know the truth beyond all fear.

But in that moment I stopped to look back. I looked with awe to how my consciousness had grown in the last weeks of inner journeying. With reverent gratitude, I reflected on how the will to love; the will to know my whole self beyond fear had served my growth so truly. I had come so far, so very far beyond anyone I had ever known in my lifetime. My being was surrounded by a beautiful series of interlocking truths – living principles of life consciously willing my growth and freedom.

Another of the gentlest inner thoughts added "Don't stop. Please do not stop, beautiful One. Honor your human brothers and sisters. Truly honor them in the depths of your being. You can face what so many do not yet have the courage or ability to face. Walk with love beyond fear's final threshold. Do not allow your intent to love to be limited by any human ignorance. Face the fear of death squarely; with love and pure commitment to know the truth, and it will fall. You are in the perfect position to know the entire mystery and beauty of the human Self."

That was enough. It was time to move on. It was time to know the greater truth; my own destiny. Although I had once honored others' fearful and limited beliefs out of love for them, I could not allow fear or doubt to hold my spirit in ignorance and suffering any longer.  

In my mind then, I refused to accept that death could stop love. With loving thoughts as my guide, I began to question the very meaning of death itself.

A flurry of thoughts revolved rapidly around my mind:

"Death.. What is it?"

"I don't know. That is clear. But if death is final, there is no possibility to know it. It would be the end of consciousness."

But the Self is consciousness, and consciousness can only explore itself; life. So if death is oblivion, there could be nothing fearful in it, only approaching it. So there can only be fear of dying - not in death itself. But so few face the idea of death without fear!

Out of everyone I have known, I see now. This is my purpose. I have faced my fears and every single one has fallen. All of them have hidden a gem of truth. I am not afraid now. I am ready. I shall not fear death. I want to know the truth behind it's mask of fear.

“So what is death? Always some mystery in the future. I know there is nothing to fear in the present, for love is always found in the present, therefore there’s nothing to fear in dying - if one could be present. Just another experience of love."

There can be no death. One can only know the process of dying.

“What is dying to humanity, really? It’s fear itself! It’s the one fear humanity has to face. It's the last fear I have held unconsciously.“

Can one approach dying without fear?"

Yes! With love. There are always these two choices.

"So what happens if one approached dying purely with the will to know love? What would it mean to take only love into that experience?"

“If fear cannot stop love, then neither can dying. How could it? I cannot fear death, for fear is death. There is no separation. To fear is to die! Just as to love is to live!  At the most profound level death and fear are the same! “

Again.. here I choose to honor how I was created. I choose to love.

I saw a further connection..

“Fear relies for its existence on concepts of time, just as death relies on concepts of a physical self. None of these are wholly true and real. The greatest part of self exists so far beyond these. Time and space are just dimensions of consciousness! Love IS forever. “

”Death only has a reality to a self that accepts itself limited by time and space. It’s only real to the physical Self. Whatever occurs physically at death, to a consciousness centered in the present, it would be just another experience. Love and thought are clearly not bound by the physical. They are qualities of consciousness. Consciousness just IS. Therefore all the true self survives death! So if nothing real dies, what happens? “

My heart skipped a beat in its consideration of the reality: “Contrary to most human expectations, something truly wonderful must happen! Any of the Self’s identification with the physical must be proven false; at death fear must yield before an unlimited reality of love!”

“Beyond all fear, beyond fear of death must be the one unchanging principal of life. As with meeting the challenge of any fear, consciousness must grow by moving into it. But as fear of death is so universal, to go beyond this fear must be an enormous expansion of consciousness.”

“So fear is nothing - just a teacher, a motivator! Bless you fear, and all you have taught me! Fear of death is the final great teacher, prompting growth within the human experience. ‘Dying’ must be a release to greater life! This earth life wasn’t the real life after all!“

And so..

“I am not afraid of dying. I will not fear fear any more. I cannot. I understand its purpose. I love fear. I understand it makes us essentially human. It separates us from the source of all love. But now I will to see beyond fear's final veil. I accept the reality of life, of the unlimited love that must be beyond the physical. Now I will to know life, to know love beyond the idea of death! I will to know the whole truth beyond doubt! Love, my unlimited teacher, take me beyond this final ignorance - the fear of death. I give my being to know the true nature of life – beyond fear, beyond ignorance, beyond death, beyond the ultimate human limitation.”

And so, according to the power of an unseen grace, I found it within me to understand and love fear. And I was free.

Deliverance into boundless Light

As though it had won its last and greatest race, my mind had spent itself. All barriers had fallen away in the singular will for the truth. Within, there appeared nothing more to think. No further question arose for consideration. Thought seemed to have served its purpose, and dissolved into a silence filled only with promise.

And my spirit moved on.

Beyond thought itself, I could sense every opposite, every duality of human mind coalescing into a single rising force of consciousness. As though the last cloak of constraint had been lifted, my being finally stood wholly fearless; wholly open. ‘I’ was released to the subtlest caresses of consciousness; pure living, knowing essence. Beyond mind’s domain, life danced wholly as ever-presence. Life - pure consciousness - one beautiful dynamic whole – existing everywhere simultaneously.

My eyes were fully open. My vision sparkled intensely alive, perfectly clear, as though newly born. The whole of Human Being danced the world over; as one, not limited by my physical body. In this awareness everything was worthy of love. Within and without there was no difference. Everything human was simply an opportunity to love.

But the source of it all lay still deeper; greater; beyond everything I could imagine myself to be. And it called my spirit on.

I fell into an ocean of unspeakable serenity; and within its deeper knowing blissfully dissolved every human yearning. Until at the the center of the ocean, the promise of an even greater truth began welling up within my soul, something greater than every human desire.

From this very center of my being, pure consciousness began moving out, expanding as a single ripple, unstoppable, in every direction simultaneously. Every unconscious depth of my being restored in a single wave of awakening; an ever-growing wave that took everything with it.

Until my spirit was cradled by absolute peace and the certainty of even more. Soaring at the top in pure loving will, my individual consciousness was lifted ever higher, far above the realm of what the human mind can comprehend.

One breath ahead, in perfect serenity, my spirit sensed the imminent company of the All. Within came the faintest whisper, “(Such as knowledge is) knowledge has served its purpose. (Such as time is) this is your time. Only Love Is. ”

In this limitless quietness, time and space acquiesced; the final veil of physical vision just fell away.

All at once pure consciousness exploded perfection beyond every conceivable frontier. Shining before my inner eye, every hearts’ prayer was answered, every hope made manifest. The love of all eternity dawned as One Perfect Light.

One light shone in answer to every yearning. One light shone as pure consciousness; pure life. One light; unmistakable, indivisible. One eternal living truth. One light shining with the impossible poise of gentleness, kindness and strength; knowing all; forgiving all; loving all; the manifestation of perfect grace.

Brilliant rays, inexpressibly beautiful, reached out from a single source. This symphony of living rays shone with untaintable  clarity, out through dark emptiness unto infinity.

Nothing opposed the Light. Nothing could divide it. In itself all-being, amongst its rays all-knowing, and in its warmth all-loving.

The one light gave all, sustained all, and embraced all. This light could never falter; this being sees all our humanity and cannot doubt its worth. It was unquestionably eternal, and in its wondrous rays I knew the soul-self wholly beyond death. It was inconceivably beautiful, far beyond compare, one wholly inclusive Being of Life. In it was the perfect realization of everything I had ever wanted.

In the most exquisite embrace, the great rays reached towards to my soul with utter compassion and understanding. These great rays had always reached to me, but with no more fear of love in me - of who I was - I could see clearly. Before the great light every facet of my humanness was blessed; every uniqueness in my being was cherished; every previously imagined 'flaw' loved without even the possibility of reservation. In the light was the complete relationship I had always sought to realise on earth. 

Liberation.

At last I was fully alive. Beyond all doubt, my being was wholly light. My soul was filled with its radiance. There was the absolute certainty and the bliss of knowing: the true nature of Self is absolute freedom - forever. At every level of consciousness my being was awake and fully aware. In reality there was nothing to fear. There was no death – not for who I truly was and not for who anyone truly was. There was only the shedding of a human skin and birth into greater life. Every human experience was just a shadowy dream before the fully awakened reality of the light. How long I had slept through earthly nights before journey’s end! At last I was there. That was all that mattered. Here was the purpose and meaning of human life – to return to this glory; to this knowing, to this being of life in its totality.

Exaltation.

Such as no physical light, the rays of light reached out infinitely; forever. So great, nothing within the physical universe could contain it; could even conceive it fully. The light waited always at the edge – asking nothing but live forever and grow in the love that One is All.

Here shone the source and being of All-That-Is. Here shone the gentle spirit of life..unlimited..light..blessing.. understanding..All-That-Is. At the center of every human longing I had always been seeking it - a secret only to myself. Within the light’s rays was the perfect essence of every beauty I had ever seen (or would see), every joy I had ever felt, every love I had known, and every life I had lived. And there it was. Perfection unfolding forever : all real and all inclusive; all in the vision of the light itself.

I was held by the light; the consummate embrace of ten thousand lifetimes. It had filled my mind; shared its vision; exalted my spirit.

But then it reached to my human heart.

Rapture.

So beautiful, tears of the purest joy plunged down my cheeks. I was held in this love - so powerful my physical heart stopped - and love exploded into eternity within me, through me, into everything I was, am, and could ever be...and out, out in one cosmic blessing of love, forgiveness and gratitude to all I had ever known.

Every boundary exploded into the heart, joy, and being of the infinite.

One Love - in All, for All. Forever...
 

Love supreme pulsed gently within this one unified heart, until, after some breaths with eternity there was some consciousness of myself again as an individual entity, looking to the light.

The perfect light still shone there in its timeless peace. But no longer did it only shine in my vision. When the light reached my human heart it had transformed every aspect of my being.

I realised I had died to everything I had been on Earth. How beautiful it was!

The stunning rays shone then with even greater reach, for there remained nothing in my being to resist. I had given up everything to it. The light shone in my vision; acknowledging itself in my being, and my being in it. The communication, the appreciation of love was perfect. Nothing remained between us, nothing but perfect love; perfect understanding. The great rays played about my being; sparkling in our shared knowing. To see the light now was to know that it had always stood at the center of my being. Everything real within me was born from its love. All my longing was fulfilled within the Light – within this unlimited, eternal Self.

The ultimate beautiful meaning of life had been revealed in the great radiance of conscious light. My being was whole; everything was complete. My spirit danced and shone with the light, vibrantly alive. I was a fully liberated consciousness.

Life review

Subsequently I was reminded I had just completed a human life, and this is what I was shown.

It was my pure intent to love; my will to follow my own freedom and joy, and the final relentless pursuit of truth that had released me from the human journey so quickly. Every time I trusted trusted my loving intuition in the face of other's lack of inner vision had been a call from the sacred. So many on earth were so far from this peace and this freedom. It was the light that always sought to guide from within. How strong was it's call to witness love, truth, freedom, joy, and peace - to share the Self with others. How easy it would have been to turn aside for another life and lose myself in the maelstrom of distorted and tired ideas going round after round on earth. Within the truth of love eternal, how blessed & inevitable the release of death would come to the soul who lost the way on earth.

By now every conceivable piece of guilt, fear, sorrow, regret, and pain within my being had ceased to exist. Everything not of love had only been a misunderstanding, a distortion of the truth, an illusion in time, an impossibility in the living reality of light. In the full light of truth everything I had done, been, felt, even every thought was blessed and received with love.

No misperception was possible in the light. I was shown I had played my part on Earth perfectly. According to the higher wisdom there were no mistakes. I was surprised to see that even what I had considered mistakes were equally worthy of love! Every ‘mistake’ I had made, every choice that brought suffering upon myself, had eventually prompted learning, and that greater awareness led later to the light. ‘Mistakes’ were just one way of learning and growing – perhaps unconsciously and painfully, and a very fashionable human way ;), but still blessed. The forgiveness and love from the light was completely unconditional. Wrongdoing was simply inconceivable to it. Its vision was complete throughout eternity.

But my will to love, my intention to manifest my heart’s reality on Earth had been enough. It was so far from being a mistake. Rarely had I seen it received or reflected, but far higher powers and greater hearts had witnessed it all. How entirely practical was this pure intent to love within the realm of the eternal. Every thought and action coming from the greater love served and extended the whole of life itself. Unconditional love was clearly the highest expression of life. The love I had felt for others was an extension of all of life’s love for me. In that, my will was supported by some of the highest essences of life itself. Before the light I was a being of love, an eternal child of life, one who had sought to know it on earth. I was blessed for the courage attempting to share it there.

I was distantly aware that tears of joy and profound gratitude were plunging down human cheeks. How fortunate I felt my soul was to know something of what it meant to be human. I was so proud to have walked a little while amongst all my beloved brothers and sisters in human form, and so fortunate to bring some of that human experience back to the light. Ultimately, love’s will had brought my soul back home - to the light. And in the light my being was free to fly above the human schoolroom.

Looking to humanity

My attention was drawn collectively to everyone I had known. No particular person came to my mind. It was clear no individual I had known was ready to consciously share in the deeper knowledge of the lighted soul.

It had been well to release all the souls I had loved. I was shown they all would grow in their own self-knowing; their own freedom. But everyone I had known had chosen different paths to mine. Each would offer very different gifts to the world. All were safe and guided by their own unique and innate bond to the divine. I thanked the souls with whom I had shared the world. I thanked them for their being; every gift of genuine presence in my Earth life. I thanked them for watching over the boy child and my soul’s growth as far as they could. I had been protected and supported up to the beginning of the pathway of the illumined spirit. But no-one, not one I had known had been able to understand and walk with me any further. Within their souls, in the silence of their unrealized dreams, I heard them bless and urge me on.

From the light I looked to humanity as a group of beings, and with it came the clear awareness: All, every single soul is blessed - as much as they can receive or dare to remember - and all will remember. Every soul can and will know this love, see this light - when the heart calls them home - at their perfect time. And ultimately every great hope, every beautiful dream would be manifest in the fullness of time – with the dawning of the light within each one on Earth.

It was clear that wrongdoing by any soul was impossible - only my vision had not been perfect. In eternity - in reality - the balance is perfect – every thought - every action. The higher order was vast, just, and without flaw. It willed for all life’s growth and encouraged creativity at every level. Everything was ultimately forgiven, but every being would come to know the effects of their actions, as an integral part of their growth. New souls, being largely unaware and insensitive of the effects of their actions on others, might have a long, long journey in the human realm (as they also willed). But every soul, however bright, was still worthy of love. The Light honored every soul’s courage to go beyond itself in the name of forever. The Light knew the potential of each and held a vision of the magnificent beings each would ultimately become. Free will was an integral part of the Universe’s expansion. Each soul would grow into becoming a conscious creator in itself, expanding life further into infinity, expanding the core of conscious light – until everything was light.

Until the soul’s growth was complete on Earth, ‘death’ would be vital and essential to the human journey. It was a vital homecoming to the greater life. Hidden behind humanity's great fear, ignorance and denial of death lay so much of its own deeper meaning, its own beautiful potential, its own glorious destiny. Although many were lost and afraid in their human forgetting, each soul chose its own return to the light. If only people were not afraid. If only everyone knew the reality of their eternal life! Dying could be such an elegant part of life. To die truly was to live without limits!

No one could ever really be separate from the light – and yet most had forgotten it in their essential humanness. How perfectly the light hides within the very humanness! The last place so many people looked for perfect love was within the Self, beyond their own fears and doubts about themselves. No wonder it was easy for souls to rack up so many experiences and lifetimes in the human realm.

If only people knew that every human desire contained within it the seed of divine desire. If only they knew every human act could be an expression of love. If only people realised love was indeed the most powerful, creative and gentle force in the Universe. If only they knew how completely they were loved in their human frailty - just for the courage required to be fully human. With certain knowledge of their worth, each could grow by challenging the temporal nature of fear and guilt, following their highest joy, giving of their love, extending the truth.

Humanity could grow swiftly and ever so sweetly. There didn’t have to be suffering. But most people did not question the mass beliefs. Most people accepted ill-fitting costumes and lived lives that others defined for them. In that refusal to live their own unique lives, they were keeping themselves in prison. The only guilt was their failure to honour themselves – and even that was their own creation – a choice – a misperception! So many beautiful souls were lost in fear and self-doubt. So few trusted the greater scheme of life. If only people could see the perfection that requires every individual to reach their own potential. If only they could accept that their very uniqueness was an essential and perfect compliment to the great light itself. If only they knew how much their uniqueness was cherished, loved unspeakably. If only they knew how strongly love would respond to their willingness to lay aside their defenses!

Again I was reminded that love can never be forced upon another soul. Humanity must have free will; lest a whole universe of creativity be lost. But how often people used free will to turn away from love and their own joy! So many people on earth were learning so slowly, through suffering! Growth is inevitable either way, though humanity always has the choice to learn through suffering or joy. So often suffering was a decision to be unconscious, to push away part of the Self, to ignore each soul's unique purpose and deepest obligation to fulfill itself. In a tragic but necessary sense, suffering could ultimately serve some souls - bringing light into the issue of personal responsibility for actions and (ultimately) thoughts themselves. Pain could ultimately lead to understanding of their own creative power and consequently transmuted. In the greater scheme of things, the mistakes, the hurts, and the suffering were all blessed as birth pains into a much, much greater life.

Each soul always held the keys to their ultimate freedom and awakening within them. Even so, many had forgotten this sacred truth and become lost. With gratitude I saw how the light responded to the call of the human heart. Throughout the ages great souls had come from the light to Earth to help humanity awaken. Again and again they had come to remind humanity of their intrinsic worth, innate freedom and potential. These souls would continue to come until the remembering on earth was complete. They came to give the gifts of their being, their knowledge and their love, wherever they could be received. But rarely did any of these advanced souls stay long in the human realm.

The human experience was enormously valuable to the growth of the soul, but only up to a certain point. After thorough exploration and learning of the comprehensive challenge of being human, each would ultimately challenge all the illusionary limitations of the physical, until the constant inspiration of love would be the only guide to being. On Earth I had seen much resistance to love! But I was shown the Earth was a temporary playground, one small schoolroom for life to evolve, where love had gone beyond and ultimately could rediscover itself. In the Light there were much grander spheres of consciousness, of life, of pure being - where love is all that is – cause, being and purpose.

Throughout my human life, there had sometimes been vivid connections with these realms of love and the wondrous beings there. In beautiful dream-journeys I had been able to return. There was never any resistance to my soul’s loving there, nor could I ever resist the exquisite embraces of those there. The most beautiful 'dreams' had been living messages from my true home!

Suddenly I was overcome with longing to return; to be there again in form; to be amongst my real brothers and sisters honouring their own direct connection to the light; those honoring love in all its forms. Tears of joy and gratitude poured down my cheeks. There was a reality where love was shared perfectly, where no-one resisted others' acknowledgment of their own innate perfection, for all knew the same source of eternal light. I sensed beautiful worlds where souls had reached the same realization of the light within, and lived according to the knowing that there was nothing within them that needed to be hidden in darkness, that everything was simply an opportunity to love.

Satisfied humanity’s path was exquisitely beautiful before the light; I turned my focus to the rays once more. I was filled with gratitude and wonder at the perfection of it all. The great plan guaranteed eternal life, sanctified free will, while still growth and joy were inevitable for every one. Every human institution seemed meaningless before such perfection. There was only freedom in the light; freedom to create, freedom to love, freedom to be throughout the Universe.

Looking to other life

Before my vision, the light was undeniably the source of the physical Universe.

Life was clearly ongoing. It might take a myriad of forms in time, but the real essence of life never began and it never ends. Time and space were simply consciousness going beyond itself, an illusion, a wave breaking within the eternal reality of oneness. The rays of light streaming into the void were at once the whole inspiration of physical creation and its nourishment.

In the great rays nothing separated my being from any other thing. The light lived within everything, as it did within me. The light created galaxies, worlds, and all manner of conscious beings. These were no effort for it – simply an extension of itself, of life’s boundless love for itself. There was a spirit of oneness within all things – a boundless mutuality & understanding, a sense of love, deepest respect, unconditional wellbeing - and peace: peace that is quite impossible to describe in human terms. At this level of being it was quite impossible for anything to be harmed; just as it was impossible for there to be any (misunderstanding and) intention to harm. Loving, creative and incredibly aware purpose nurtured the best in each and all.

With pure love it was clearly possible to extend the awareness to any other life. It was possible to partake and learn of another’s reality; to experience their being. With the light I looked to the spirit of the Earth; at once I felt its incredible love for all the forms it nurtured. I looked to the animal, plant, and mineral kingdoms. It was clear that all form had its own consciousness; its own life. Even rock and stone had their own consciousness, although far from how humans perceive themselves.

If only more people knew how to listen to what they have to say! I thought. Of course some do, I remembered.

Highly evolved life on other planets existed too, and I saw they too honored this light. All life honored the light, consciously or unconsciously. The more beings consciously honouring the reality of the greater oneness and the interconnectedness of all things, the more joy, love and prosperity there would be. The loving truth, ever the master, the guide, the healer of my own higher being, was truly quiet lord within All-That-Is.

All was well. Satisfied that the physical Universe was an ongoing act of absolute love, I didn’t look any further into the details. My being was completely alive and filled with gladness. Knowing the Self as pure consciousness; projecting love and thought together would be my passport to a free Universe.

Observing the light

Looking forward again, the light was still before me. My soul’s vision was completely clear; there was no trace of the heaviness (unconsciousness) of physical sight. My being was pure consciousness; shining, knowing, seeing in every direction at once. Nothing was hidden. Before the one eternal light, the whole of life lay open in its magnificence.

I marveled at the flawless beauty of the rays of light, completely incapable of thought. My mind rested in the profound gentleness of the great rays, and for a while only pure wonder and gratitude streamed from my being.

Each ray shone from the source – into my vision certainly, all over my consciousness, but also streamed beyond me into infinity. The great rays reached out through a black oblivion with perfect consistency. And yet the void did not oppose the light. The void could not be separate from the light, for its purpose was clearly that the light might extend into it, that life may go beyond itself in the name of forever. The absolute nature of life was oneness – and that was held in the entirety of all the light’s rays. The light in the void was the primal seed of life in the physical Universe.

The rays were not earthly, but all-knowing, all-living light. There was no distortion possible in its rays. No language can describe the colors; perhaps a cognizant white, somehow including all colors; many yet to be seen on earth. The light was not physical, but it was much more real…because it was so unmistakably forever. Nothing physical could ever contain its totality, could honour its never-ending being.

Many rays shone, each so unique, so incredibly beautiful, so loving, and so life giving. I could have stared blissfully at just one ray for an age. But before me there were so many, and each called me with its own brilliance. Each ray blessed a fundamental aspect of creation. It was impossible to take it all in, to know it completely, without entering it further; letting it enter every level of one’s being. And yet it was exquisite just to look towards the light as an individual soul. I felt the immense value to all, to be an individual soul, able to appreciate the light from ‘outside’. The light itself could not be as great and know itself as completely without the separation. And each individual could not know itself completely – and its true eternal nature - without the return to the oneness of the light. Every individual soul craved this return to the source of all love.

And so the creation process was perfect. Life had to go beyond itself in order to grow into even fuller expression. The only way the Infinite could truly grow was to somehow go beyond knowledge of itself. But as infinity’s nature is oneness; all-inclusiveness, the only way to go beyond consciousness (and being) of itself was to forget within itself. The intention to forget within itself was the origin of darkness and all the dimensions of unconsciousness. As All-being continuously gave everything of itself, it expanded beyond the knowing of itself - into the void as self-determining individuals. Individual souls with free will - each and every human being - held the light of divinity within them. Not separate at all, but within humanity's own unconsciousness lies the forgotten one – the perfect Light hidden deep within. Each ‘individual’ consciousness would collect all manner of unique experiences, before becoming fully self-aware and re-discovering the light within, to return to the Oneness with the benefit of those experiences.

Love itself was the common bond all of creation and each being would ultimately be called back by the love of the whole. Returning to the source and the All, each individual being expanded the one central light, before bursting out again with the will to grow, create, and honor new love in the relationship of all it's forms. This was the great cosmic pulse of creation.

In the holographic universe, even the forgetting of the whole, the forgetting of the divinity within was simultaneously an essential act of creation at the very fringes of All-That-Is. 

Again tears of joy plunged down my face. Creation was so incredibly beautiful. Every single soul was a vital and holy part of it – without even having to understand the process. And yet to see and know the wonder of creation was to be blessed indeed..

Again my attention was drawn from the beauty of one great ray to another. As my focus shifted from one to another the overall effect was one complete brilliance, sparkling with the reality of all-being, all-knowing, all-loving. The One. The light. The eternal, infinite jewel of all life and all living.

Into The light

I was drawn into the light, being completely transformed in its infinite beauty. Ever closer I was drawn in the longing to go deeper into the light. It was all that mattered; only that this beauty should exist for everyone, forever. And it does (more tears). My small earth life - everything that had attempted to define my identity to that point - was as nothing before the reality of this eternal beauty. There was nothing I would not give to the light, nothing my soul would not do to honour it. And there appeared nothing real or substantial to my soul remaining in my former earth life. There was no relationship where my soul’s knowledge or love could be truly shared. My soul was ready to go beyond the earth sphere; to unfold into ever greater dimensions of consciousness, uplifted purely by love, never again to doubt its perfection as part of the whole.

And so, giving one more blessing to those I had known, I focused wholly ahead into the great light. Nothing from the past remained before my longing for the eternal. Utterly enraptured by it, my being moved on into the focused core of great rays. I moved on quickly as a soul, deeper into the rays until I could no longer see any of the mysterious void. There were only great rays of light streaming all around and beyond my being, going far behind to bless the dimensions of life remaining there; to the conscious life growing at the cutting edge of physical creation.

According to my own will, my spirit was drawn deeper into the lighted glory of the One, until I became aware of a very clear choice. Ahead, the pure bliss of all creation sang in the Light. There were no reservations about gently and lovingly laying aside my physical body - for it had truly served its purpose.

Except this; to go on further into the Light would be to go beyond doubt - forever - and beyond being human. It would be the end of wearing costumes, the end of every last pretense, the end of not knowing, the end of even ideas of ‘mistakes’. It would be the end of exploring the human world. Beyond this point, I knew there could be no turning back.

In a vision then, I saw my physical shell fall away. It would appear to someone on earth that a young man, one with eyes so full of promise, had suddenly died. Furthermore, I saw the effects of this on those who remained. To those unable to see the deeper meaning, the higher love calling, and the soul’s waking choice to respond – there would be shock; grief. But even that would serve their own soul’s growth, their human questioning & learning.

‘Beautiful ones, remember the physical is just a shell’, I heard myself calling from the spirit world…’ One body just cannot contain the glory of the soul's light.’ ‘If you could only know the greater reality of our eternal life, all your tears would be for joy.’

The value of humanness

And so for one last time my attention was drawn back to humankind. But this time an eternal flame was burning brightly within my being, and a boundless love held my earthly hand. Looking from the light, from beyond the earth sphere, I looked back to Earth.

“Does anything remain as valuable or interesting to my soul in humanness?”

Mistakes! There was still incredible beauty to be discovered in mistakes! To be human was to be fallible - able to make mistakes! One could think something; create; without seeing it manifest. One could do things, without seeing all the effects. The lack of complete awareness allowed for dramas and experiences not possible in the greater fullness of Light. One could feel the rush of new experiences and be exposed to a great variety of tempestuous creations. This reckless excitement and unpredictability of the human world still held some appeal to my spirit.

(But at the same time I did not want to get too ensnared in the depths of human  forgetting. It would still be important to remember and honour the reality of light there).

Only without the simultaneous awareness of cause and effect, was it possible to conceive of error in humanness. The perception of error could be painful, and it was often projected and multiplied within humanness with the illusions of blame and guilt, but every pain could be dispelled with the grace and beauty of forgiveness. The one great purpose of human life – forgiveness. The whole divine purpose of human relationship was to accept forgiveness and give love - give the true Self. To forgive, to love, to see the beauty in another was to offer the light to them, even in their forgetting. How incredibly beautiful! How magical to remember the light and extend it within the darkness! How beautiful to offer another the truth, to remind them of their true innocence, their infinite worth in themselves!

A network of light was growing between human hearts, until forgiveness will be complete on earth. Consciousness will be lifted, and the great crystal core of light will expand to include the human world.

It was then that I saw that already so much  of human relationship was incredibly beautiful. I saw so many forms of love; and the striving for love. There was only this from the perspective of the light. How beautiful it all was, how widespread it was. I saw so many different earthly forms love could take that I had never seen in one lifetime. I saw and felt the pure essence of love of mother for child, of child for parents, between brother and sister, between friends and strangers. I saw the magnificent sacrifice of one human life to demonstrate a higher love. I saw incredibly visionary and far-reaching love manifested on Earth in the forgiveness of ‘the unforgivable act'. I saw the beauty, grace and nobility in it all. My heart was filled with so much joy and pride to have known truly what it means to walk amongst my fellow spirits as human beings.

Love was the most powerful force on earth, moving with unseen purpose only to the unaware. It formed a very strong bond within families, but few adults seemed to remember that established bonds of love reach far beyond one lifetime. So few trusted their intuition with ‘strangers’; between nations; so many opportunities to remember greater love were lost. Every human being was one great family before the light. Every individual's earthly love extended the light, served it, and ultimately returned to it.

From the aspect of eternity, the balance, the justice, the mercy and the love of the human experience was all so clear; so perfect; staggeringly, staggeringly beautiful.

Then I was drawn to look to at the love between male and female in human form. Within each was the potential and essence of the other; within each the whole. Yet together, moving within human relationship the memory of the divine light could surface so perfectly, so joyfully. I saw the opportunity for two spirits to meet in physical form, to embrace, to love, and remember the light within every physical aspect their humanness. Through loving presence and the commitment to forgive all, all the illusions and limitations of the physical veil could fall away so gently, so sweetly. There was depthless beauty waiting to be discovered inside each relationship. Divine love could be re-discovered and celebrated in every aspect of human relationship between man and woman.

I had always held to this precious knowing in my human life. But as my soul searched its earthly experience for a fully loving, fully conscious, fully joyous intimate relationship, I could not recall it. My being had not seen its realization within humanness. My vision could barely even conceive it, the potential was so unspeakably beautiful. The essence of this experience was contained in the light, but its realization within humanity was exquisite far beyond my own soul’s comprehension. My soul had still not manifested the whole light within intimate relationship on Earth. This caused me to pause..

As a soul poised between the great light and the human experience, I was given the vision to see the love within so many facets of humanity. Tremendous love bonds individual elements of humanity to each other, but as I turned to look again to the light, I truly understood the connection between humanity and the divine light. Not only did the great light radiate love to each and all, but conscious messengers from the divine light brought this love to Earth.

Love - divinely inspired love - plays for humanity in a harmony so complete, so perfect I could only weep with joy. Angels - conscious beings who only know love - witnesses and servants of the ultimate truth - see only beauty within us all - and are devoted through all time to every soul on Earth. The most profound swell of love swept away every sense of my individual Being. My soul melted into an epic tide of love for all of humanity. So beautiful and complete was this one resonance; this one group's multidimensional commitment of pure love, no sense of my own identity could remain apart from it.

I was shown all my brothers and sisters on Earth, so many souls who had tragically forgotten the light within them. There were beings of wondrous love who had deeply forgotten their identity on Earth. They had come as children - bringing pure gifts of love to the earth plane – knowing they would forget their divinity. And yet still they came - in the most staggering act of loving sacrifice. I was remotely conscious of (my) physical eyes weeping again, as my soul looked in awe to the courage and grace required simply to enter the human realm. I looked to the essence of all the unique souls on Earth. Ever so many had forgotten outright how awesomely beautiful and precious they are - as individuals - to all the rest of life. My soul yearned to remind them. Every soul experiencing humanness was loved beyond description - and the flame that had entered my heart longed to remind them.

Furthermore, I was shown souls on Earth especially close to my soul, even though I had never met them in the flesh. The essence; the love of these souls resonated profoundly with my own, each of us unique but complimentary. There were exquisite beings on Earth; women, children and men whom my soul could only love. We would be able to rise and play together in celestial harmony. These souls were questioning their earthly identity in the name of the love that called them. There were other souls seeking to know love fully within the human experience, as my soul had sought to. In our shared remembering we would be able to manifest our part of heaven’s promise on earth.

I had seen enough. There were souls on Earth committed to remembering the One. And perfect love simply cannot leave lost any soul willing to be free.

I looked to the light again. This time my being addressed it, speaking directly to the supreme light with my mind.

“I have seen the power of love has no limits. Love creates all life, honors all life - forever. I know that life honors all pure intent by its own perfect law.  So love must respond to this call from within humanity."

"How would you have higher love appear to them?"

"Cannot an Angel simply burst into their reality and show them the light?”

The light echoed a reply in thought: “In another earth time that would have been appropriate. But would not most people fear it now? Had not I too, in my humanness, feared spirits and any such ‘supernatural’ occurrences? Remember: perfect love cannot manifest where fear will be the result.”

“The Great Love will always be there. It has always, and will always reach to humanity. But it’s time for those on Earth to recognise the supreme love within themselves. They have to know it within their humanness.”

The thought trailed off into silence “As you did..”

And so it was; an opportunity dawned in my awareness clear and bright. As a soul coming directly from the light, I had a unique opportunity to bring the Light into humanness. There was a unique opportunity for my soul to return to Earth as a human personality.

“Teach those ready their true creative power, as your soul knows it.”

There was an incredible opportunity to love humanity – to walk fully back into the physical realm – by becoming fallible again myself. “Remind them of their own perfection within human experience – within their imagined fallibility. It’s the only way some of them will remember.”

“How shall I find these souls on earth?”

“Higher powers will remain in the light to guide you. Your heart’s vision will show them to you in the world.”

“But how could I get back to humanness from this?”

“You don’t have to understand the process. With your will aligned with love's complete authority, it can only be so..“

There came the knowing that the way back would involve forgetting of the divine truths. And there would be inevitable suffering in that forgetting. The awakened soul could also see that the earthly human personality was not equipped with any structure for holding and spreading the light. Nor did the earthly personality know a single other soul of like aspiration.

But the pure will to love was so strongly established within the humanness.. that alone would be enough to serve the soul’s highest purpose.

Without further hesitation the spirit said "Yes, we'll take that body again, and we'll pick up the pieces of that human personality, we’ll accept the limitation, just so as to return to Earth with this awareness - so that love may be served to its fullest extent.”

This decision was made before the light; and immediately following, just after the light had faded from vision, an astonishingly clear voice confirmed "Go back, Phillip. It’s not time for you yet. There will be another time."

Immediately I saw; according to my free will on earth, either I would touch the Light again in physically dying, or earlier in another enlightenment if I chose to follow a spiritual path/an inner life in my humanness.

Next I was aware of swiftly, gently, falling, fading from the vision of a universal spirit of love, and yet still cradled by an exquisite higher power.

My consciousness recognized itself back by a familiar physical body. And gradually I became aware of my human eyes gazing absently at the desk in front of me. But my spirit was captured still in the awareness of the unlimited vitality, life and grace pouring into the body. I felt myself on the very edge of ‘optional physicality’, distinctly aware that the body is no limitation to the infinite reality of the loving spirit.

I lifted my head, turned and looked about. Two girls were standing fifteen feet away, staring at me. I looked at them, scarcely able to grasp the scene before my body’s eyes. (The girls stared back, but what they saw I cannot say. Clearly they had witnessed something extraordinary; something that had transfixed them.) I looked at them through physical eyes, at their physical bodies, conscious that it was but a fraction of their whole being; their whole magnificence. I was immediately aware that I could know anything about them I wished at that point, if I turned my attention there.

But I didn’t want to know; whatever they had done, and however they might doubt themselves (in their humanness), they were truly perfect within themselves. They were worthy only of perfect love. That was all that mattered. With that, they were blessed in heart and mind, and they moved slowly away.

And so another journey into humanness had begun.

On another webpage there is an Epilogue and some related recommended reading.

Or links to sections of this page -

As a child - an introduction - Adulthood - a human love - Loss and the search for meaning - The choice for love - The Peak Experience

Photo credits - most of the wonderful nature photographs are by William Neill.